Book # 17

20 Compelling Evidences That God Exists

By Kenneth D. Boa & Robert M Bowman Jr.

Okay, Okay .... so I am behind. I should be on book 20. But May has been a tough month. I got out of jail and then had to go back in after 2 weeks. It was just so depressing. Ha Ha! But seriously, I just got to go outside and work in the garden for 2 weeks and then it started to rain again! I am so sick of gray days!!! I am also behind because I picked another dumb book. Just kidding, it wasn't dumb. I liked this book for the first half, it was interesting, challenging, mind stretching. But then it got to where I was thinking "you've got to be kidding me!" and "is it over yet?" And I didn't read it because I doubt the existence of God, I was just interested in what someone had to say about it. I liked the scientific evidence that they presented in the first few chapters the best. The other thing I liked about it was that they also presented the opposite views to their own; what atheists might argue against the evidence of God and Jesus Christ's divinity.

I will make this a brief post. Just so you know, if anyone is interested in reading these books I am writing about, I would be glad to lend them out.

Chapter 1

The Evidence of Reality

If a belief system doesn't claim to correspond to reality, head for the nearest exit.

Chapter 2

The Evidence of Knowledge

You can know the truth--and still not be an arrogant pain in the neck!

Chapter 3

The Evidence of Existence

The most elementary question: Why is there something rather than nothing?

Chapter 4

The Evidence of the Universe's Beginnings

The Universe hasn't always been here, and it's a good thing, too.

Chapter 5

The Evidence of the Universe's Fitness for life

Somebody went to a lot of trouble to make it possible for us to be here.

Chapter 6

The Evidence of Life's Origin

The more we learn about the origin of life, the more of a puzzle it becomes.

Chapter 7

The Evidence of Life's Intelligent Design

The closer we look, the clearer it is that life was intelligently designed.

Chapter 8

The Evidence of a Fallen World

As wonderful as it can be, it's obvious that not all is right with the world.

Chapter 9

The Evidence of the Bible's Reliability

The general reliability of the Bible's text and major "story line" is not in question.

Chapter 10

The Evidence of the Bible's Accuracy

Where we can test the Bible's accuracy in matters of fact, it holds up remarkably well.

Chapter 11

The Evidence of the Bible's Fulfilled Prophesy

The Bible contains remarkable predictions of events occurring centuries later.

Chapter 12

The Evidence of the Bible's Profound Wisdom

Despite all criticism, the Bible contains the wisest counsel ever written.

Chapter 13

The Evidence of Jesus' Life

No one can afford to ignore Jesus, the most compelling person in history.

Chapter 14

The Evidence of Jesus' Claims

By claiming to be God, Jesus left us no room to view Him as just a great teacher.

Chapter 15

The Evidence of Jesus' Death

The death of Jesus holds the key to His identity and to the nature and love of God.

Chapter 16

The Evidence of Jesus' Empty Tomb

The empty tomb of Jesus is a cold, hard fact that even early critics couldn't deny.

Chapter 17

The Evidence of Jesus' Resurrection Appearances

The accounts of Jesus' appearances cannot be reasonably explained away.

Chapter 18

The Evidence of Those Who Lived For Christ

The realty of Jesus' resurrection is evident in those who have lived for Him.

Chapter 19

The Evidence of Those Who Died For Christ

Only Christ has inspired so many to die so nobly as martyrs for their faith.

Chapter 20

The Evidence of the Uniqueness of Christ

The world's religions have no one and nothing to compare with Jesus Christ.

Sorry. Not too much information shared. But the sun is shining today!!! 

So I'm done with this book.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 16

Hellen Keller: A Photographic Biography

By Leslie Garrett

This is a biography published by DK Books. If you aren't familiar with DK it is basically an children's educational publisher. I have been mildly interested in Hellen Keller and bought this book some years ago for my sons so that they could read about someone who achieved success against great odds. I liked the book because it had pictures and facts about the subject, and when they used a word that a young reader would probably not be familiar with, they would have the definition in a little box on the same page. There were also small by-lines about historical facts and people that would help the reader understand the life of the subject better.

Things I learned about Helen Keller, and about her teacher Annie Sullivan.

Annie Sullivan was born in Massachusetts on April 14, 1866. She contracted Tracoma, an eye infection  when she was 3 years old. Her family didn't have money for treatment and so her eyes became very weak. Her mother died of Tuberculosis when Annie was about 10 and her father was an alcoholic and so Annie and her 5 year old brother went to live in the poorhouse, where they were the only children, except for the newborns in the orphans ward.  Her brother passed away there. Annie eye sight was so poor that eventually she received admission to Perkins Institution for the Blind when she was 14. Annie had a terrible temper and was almost sent away from the school but a teacher took her under her wing and taught her manners and how to control herself. She became one of the best students and graduated as class valedictorian. The summer after graduation, she was asked to become the teacher for a Hellen Keller. She spent many months studying how to teach a blind, deaf and mute child, before she accepted the position. On March 3, 1887 she arrived in Tuscumbia, Alabama to teach Hellen Keller. She was 20 years old. She remained as Hellen's teacher, friend and companion for the rest of her life. She died on October 20, 1936 at the age of 70. She was totally blind by then.

Helen Keller was born June 27, 1880 in Alabama. When she was 3 years old, she developed a high fever and as a consequence lost her hearing and sight. She became a wild, uncontrollable child. When Helen was about 5 or 6, her mother read a book by Charles Dickens called "American Notes." He spoke about meeting a blind and deaf woman who lived at the Perkins Institute for the blind and noted that she had learned to communicate. Kate Keller hoped that the same could be accomplished for Hellen. They took Hellen to a noted eye doctor, who admitted that nothing could be done for Helen's eyesight or hearing, but that she was obviously intelligent and could be educated. He recommended that they meet with Dr. Alexander Graham Bell who (among other things) was an expert on teaching speech to the deaf. Dr. Bell recommended that ask the Perkins Institute for a recommendation of a teacher for Hellen. Annie arrived about 7 months later.

Other notable facts:

• Helen was taught to speak but she was difficult to understand by most people.

• Helen learned to lip read by placing one hand on the speakers throat and the other on their lips.

• Helen was a Socialist, but received much financial support from several notable, wealthy capitalists.

• Helen was once charged with Plagiarism.

• Helen graduated cum laude from Radcliffe College when she was 24 years old. 

• Annie Sullivan married a man 11 years her junior and he lived with both women for many years, until he and Annie separated.

• Helen was courted by a man named Peter Fagan. Her mother disapproved, and so they made secret plans to elope. Peter never showed up. Helen was disappointed but decided that it was for the best. She referred to that time when love entered her life as her "little island of joy."

• Helen supported suffragists and workers striving to create unions.

• A silent picture called "Deliverance" was made of Helen's life in 1918. It was not very successful.

• Helen and Annie created a Vaudeville act which was highly successful.

• Helen became quite religious and followed the teachings of Religious philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg. She especially likes his idea of heaven. She came to believe that "death is no more than passing from one room to another." She said that for her though, "In that other room I shall be able to see."

• Helen wrote 2 autobiographies, "The Story of my life" and "Midstream: My Later Life". 

• Helen lectured all over the country for the American Foundation for the Blind.

• In 1954 a documentary was made about Helen, featuring Helen and was called "Helen Keller in Her Story."

• Helen traveled extensively and met many famous and powerful people. She was a very famous person in her time.

• Helen visited the wounded during WWII. 

• In 1959 a play called "the Miracle Worked" was presented on Broadway. It was very successful and was later made into a movie and tells the story of Helen when Annie first came to be her teacher.

• Helen died of a heart attack in June 1, 1968 in Westport, Connecticut.

Book # 15

"Satan's War On Free Agency"

By Greg Wright

I saw this book in our local drug store which is owned by our recently released Stake president. It caught my eye and I wondered what else could be said about Satan and his war on our agency. It was surprising and I thoroughly appreciated this book.

The author is or was a Seminary teacher. This is an object lesson he used with his students to demonstrate the difference between choice, freedom and agency. 

He would put a penny in one of his hands, close his hand into a fist and then hold it out in front of him. Then he would ask a student to pick a hand. The student would momentarily be confused and then would pick the hand with the coin in it because it was the only one offered. They then would discuss that choice means that you have a minimum of 2 options. 2 options = Choice

Then he puts a penny in each hand and offers both fists to a student and asks them to choose. Now, the student has 2 options, but the result of both choices is the same. So they talk about how that in order to have freedom there needs to be different results in your different options. "In Nephi 2:11 we read that there must be opposition in all things, so we need not only opposite choices, but also opposite, or at least different results." 

2 options + different results = Freedom.

So then he puts a penny in only one hand and offers two closed fists to a student and tells them that they now have two options and opposite results, and the empty hand means that they go to hell and the hand with the penny means that they go to heaven. If the student picks the empty hand he tells them "sorry, you are going to hell." He then asks if this person had agency. Then they discuss how in order to have agency, one needs knowledge of the results. 

2 options + different results + knowledge of the results = Agency

He then discusses how political freedom differs from spiritual freedom. He noted that political freedom means choice without penalty. But spiritual freedom means choice without compulsion. He says, "This is a key concept that many of our youth do not understand. Some of them think that when their parents impose penalties for making bad choices, that their free agency has been taken away. What is worse is that some parents believe this as well......The philosophies of the world today fuel this falsehood by promoting the notion that freedom always means choice without penalty. Such false doctrine insists that no penalty should be administered for so-called wrong choices simply because people have the right to make choices. They believe that if anyone, (including God) threatens to impose a penalty for their choices, their rights have been violated. The truth is that the "free" in "Free agency" is not without penalty and never has been--but it is without compulsion."

He talks about how we simplify the word "agency" a lot to mean freedom to choose, when it really means so much more. The word agency is derived from the word "agent" and to be an agent means to be a steward, to be responsible for something, and in the religious sense we are agents for ourselves, for our souls. "The 1928 (Webster's dictionary) definition of the word agent is: a substitute, or deputy, one entrusted with the business of another. This refers to someone who is assigned to and responsible for certain duties...In other words, an agent is a steward, someone who is accountable to someone else for the choices he makes." We are accountable to God for our own souls. In Moses 1:39 it tells us that God's purpose is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man". But he doesn't force us to obtain it. We are our own agents in making this happen. So the formula is 2 options (choice) + different results (freedom) + knowledge of results = agency, which also means accountability. 

I love this. I'm going to give a family home evening lesson using this object lesson.

Then he talks about how Lucifer, "a son of the morning"  became Satan. How we mistakenly think that Satan's plan was to force us to be good so we could qualify for heaven. How do you force someone to be good? This is something I have often wondered. You might be able to compel someone to do the right actions but how can you control their mind? The author talks about 3 plans and compares them to attending a university.

The first university is Force College "At force college, no one ever has, or ever will get into trouble on campus. No one ever breaks any rules. No one needs to worry about their safety or well being. There are security guards every where who do not allow anyone to break any rules or harm anyone else in any way. All students are forced to live the school's standards. Personal tutors force students to study and learn. As a result, everyone gets straight A's. Graduation and straight A's are absolutely guaranteed to every single person enrolled in force college."

The second university is University of Freedom. "Do as you please is the school motto. The only requirement is attendance on campus, though not necessarily in class. You may read, study, sleep, play, dance, talk, wander around, or just sit and listen to your music. There are absolutely no rules or restrictions. There are no standards of dress or conduct....If you wish to educate yourself, you are free to do so. Teachers are available if and when you need them. Books are also available in the library should you want to study. The campus entertainment center is always open, complete with everything you can imagine. The cafeteria is always open and the food is free...You are totally free to do as you please. They also guarantee you will receive straight A's, and every single student will graduate regardless of what you have or have not done."

The third university is Law School. Law School is "a place where facilities and teachers are available only at certain times, and a strict schedule of classes is maintained. There are many rules of conduct which provide a safe and orderly environment to protect the rights of everyone. Obedience to the standards is expected and disobedience is punished. Learning is the purpose of this school and efforts toward learning are expected of all. No one will be compelled in any way either to study or to attend classes, but hard work and dependability will be rewarded while laziness will not. Generally, only a few excel, though all are free to do so. You are graded against certain standards and criteria but not against other students. You are free to succeed, fail or be average. While straight A's and graduation are possible for every student, they are only given to those who meet the requirements."

He then quotes general authorities and the scriptures to persuade the reader why Satan's plan was the University of Freedom and Not Force College. First of all, Satan persuaded a third part of Heavenly Father's children to rebel. Who in their right mind would vote for going to Force College? He believes that Satan wanted to save us in our sins, not from our sins. In Moses 4:1, Lucifer says, "I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost." If he imposed the force plan and we were all sinless, then he wouldn't need to redeem us. The force plan is not logical. But allowing us to sin and then redeeming us without any effort on our part, is something that many of us would want. It is the philosophy of many in the world now. A free ride. No responsibility or accountability for our actions. I can see how Lucifer could have led away so many of God's children with that idea.

With this in mind, the reason why we say that Satan wanted to rob us of our agency, isn't because he wanted to take away our choices. He wants to take away our accountability. We would no longer be agents for ourselves. If he redeemed us of all sin, then we have no reason to repent or to modify our behavior in anyway. But the sneaky part of his plan was that when there aren't different results, then we have less freedom, not more. Pretty deep, huh?

Then he talks about modern day secret combinations and how Satan uses them to corrupt people. He said that they have many methods of operation, but he only focused on two. He said that the government convinces us to trade our freedom for security, and also through Hollywood corrupting our morals. 

The last part of the book focuses on us as parents, especially those in the gospel, who mistakenly believe that when we impose consequences for our children's bad choices, then we are stealing their agency. I have to admit I am sort of one of those parents. He talks about the different parenting methods, and then he gives several examples of good parents and bad parenting. I KNOW that I need to have consequences but I have difficulty following through. My trouble is, I have been blessed with really good children. Why get upset when they are only 5 minutes late for curfew? My son's best friend just got his cell phone taken away for 5 days for being 5 minutes late. And I know that his being late isn't a common occurrence. So why make a big deal of it? I tried to explain to my son why they might have done it and how we as parents do the best we can, but he wasn't buying it. I guess I fear causing my children to rebel if I am too strict. But the author definitely gave me some things to think about. 

I highly recommend this book.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 14

The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, Mockingjay

By Suzanne Collins

This was not a book series I intended to read. I had heard about it and the subject matter seemed sickening. Isn't there enough sickening in the world without adding depressing fiction to our brains? So you will laugh when you hear that once I picked it up, I couldn't put it down. Seriously.

My son was reading it for school and he surprised me because he is not a big reader, yet every chance he got, I would see him reading it. So last Saturday night, after he had finished it, I asked him if I could read it before he took it back to school. Of course, I am always curious about what interests my sons. So after I put my youngest to bed at 8pm, I started reading. At 1am, I reluctantly dragged myself to bed and then most miserably lay there, fidgeting, until I exclaimed "What's the use?" I threw back the covers and continued to read until 4am, when I finished it.

The Hunger Games

It is a story set in the United States--now called Panem--far in the future. The political structure is different, yet the same. The Capitol is located in the Rocky mountains, surrounded by 12 districts, all who work different specialties, all for the benefit of those living within the Capitol. There used to be 13 districts, but at one point there was a revolution, which was quelled and all the inhabitants of section 13 were annihilated.

As a punishment for, and reminder of the rebellion, every year, each district has a lottery, where 2 children, a boy and a girl between the ages of 12 and 18, are sent from their population to be a tribute. They are briefly trained and then sent into an elaborate arena, where they fight each other to the death until there is only one survivor. This is all filmed for the entertainment of the inhabitants of the Capitol. The residents of all the districts watch too, yet for them it is not entertaining. The one survivor is taken home with honor and lives in luxury for the rest of their life.

This story is told in the first person by a 16 year old girl named Katniss Everdeen. She is a citizen of district 12 and ends up as a tribute. And that is all I'm going to tell, because if you are interested in an exciting tale, you should read it yourself. Just give yourself a day when you have no pressing matters or interruptions, because you won't want to put it down.

Catching Fire

So, I read the second book, Catching Fire, the other night. I had been putting it off because I wanted to finish Crucial Conversations and get it posted. So, I started the book at 11pm. I wasn't going to, but I'd had a nap that day and so I wasn't tired yet. Besides I thought that I would be safe because how could I possibly read it all the way through when I started it at 11pm? Well, I will tell you how. You don't go to bed that night. Uhg! I have no self control! I finished it at 6am. 

So, in this book Katniss has more adventures, of which I don't want to spoil for you, but I will say that this book made me think about some things. One, where is our country, and specifically our government going? And two, this book made me think of a tactic that I'm sure Satan is really good at. Provoke your victims into fighting each other, and they will do your work for you. They will forget who their real enemy is.

Mockingjay
I had a little more self control with this book. I read it in 2 days. And it was good. I liked the ending, even though I hate books where your heroine has to choose between two men that she loves. But I was happy with her choice. That is who I would have chosen. Also you find out why the USA is now called Panem. "Panem et circenses". If you know Latin then you know what that means. Interesting little tidbit that makes you think more about where our country is headed.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 13

Crucial Conversations

Tools for talking when stakes are high

By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

This book is similar to the other one I read. Actually this one was written first, but I requested them both from inter-library loan and the Crucial Confrontations came first, so I went with it. I found that they were very similar anyway.


If you remember, Crucial Confrontations was the one where I couldn't, wouldn't finish the post. This one almost went the same way, yet I was determined. I hope you appreciate it! It's been excruciating to write. I think it has something to do with me needing the information so badly yet feeling that I will never get it. And wondering if I'd only known this information, would my second marriage have succeeded? Okay, Okay...to those of you in the know, yes, he was crazy, but I will still always wonder.

In the foreword, written by Steven Covey, who of course, is raving about this book, there is a quote that I like. He says, "What you learn is that crucial conversations transform people and relationships....They produce what Buddhism calls "the middle way"--not a compromise between two opposites on a straight-line continuum, but a higher way, like the apex of a triangle. Because two or more people have created something new from genuine dialogue, bonding takes place....When you produce something with another person that is truly creative, it's one of the most powerful forms of bonding there is..."  He also talked about creating the right mind set, the right heart set, and developing and utilizing the right skill set.

Chapter 1 

What's a Crucial Conversation?

And who cares?

A crucial conversation is a discussion between 2 or more people where:

Opinions vary

The stakes are high

Emotions run strong

"What makes each of these conversations crucial--and not simply challenging, frustrating, frightening, or annoying--is that the results can have a huge impact on the quality of your life."

We can choose... Avoid them and suffer the consequences. Face them, handle them poorly and face the consequences. Face them and handle them well. Why would we choose anything other that the latter? Well, because often when something comes up, it causes us to experience a strong emotion, and when emotions are high, adrenaline kicks in. Adrenaline cause more blood flow to the large muscles of our arms and legs (to be used for fight or flight) and thus we get less blood flow to the higher reasoning sections of the brain. Also we might handle it poorly because we are stumped. We don't know how to handle it any better. Practice makes perfect is the old saying, but we often don't know what to practice. We often haven't seen how many of our problems are best handled. Many of us have only seen what not to do by others. We also act in self defeating ways. Example-- your spouse acts in a way that bothers you, and so you nag. Nagging bothers your spouse and and so then he or she avoids you or reacts in another negative way. It can be a vicious cycle.

The rest of the chapter talks about how mastering your crucial conversations will help you to improve your career, strengthen your relationships, vitalize your organizations and communities, and improve your health.

Chapter 2

Mastering Crucial Conversations

The Power of Dialogue

Dialogue is the free flow of meaning between two or more people. Skilled people find a way to get relevant information from themselves and others out into the open, into the "pool of information", as the authors like to put it. They also do their best to make it safe for everyone to share their feelings, opinions, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. The more information that is shared, the smarter the decisions made. Also when people share in making a decision, they are more likely to willingly act on the decision. Samuel Butler said, "He that complies against his will, is of his own opinion still." I love that quote. When people aren't made to feel safe in expressing themselves, they either resort to silence or violence. Examples of silence would be when we play "salute and stay mute", or "freeze your lover". "Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our point. We play martyr and then pretend we're actually trying to help...On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we rely on violence---anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks...we use every manner of force to get our way....the goal, of course, is always the same--to compel others to our point of view."

The rest of the chapter is encouragement to let us know that dialogue skills are learnable, and then it outlines the rest of the book and how they are going to teach us those skills.

Chapter 3

Start with Heart

How to stay focused on what you really want

People who care about the outcomes of conversations "start with heart". They work on themselves first. They start high risk discussions with the right motives and stay focused no matter what happens. They know what they want and the don't make excuses for unhealthy behavior. They know that dialogue is always the better option.

While having an important conversation, you might start to feel attacked or embarrassed. Ask yourself, "What do I really want here? "In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself--much like an outsider. Ask yourself: "what am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive? As you make an honest effort to discover your motive, you might conclude...I'm doing anything to win the argument." When you recognize that your motives have shifted to only protecting yourself, you can consciously shift back to better motives. Ask yourself: "What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? How would I behave if I really wanted these results? When we ask ourselves what we really want, we return to our original purpose, despite the fact that we are being tempted to take the wrong path, either by people who are trying to pick a fight, by our own emotions, or by our own habit of trying to win.

Also when you ask yourself the question of what we really want, we take charge of our body. "As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that helps us think, and away from the parts of our body that help us to take flight or begin a fight."

Often there are tempting deviations from our course. We want to win. We want revenge. Or we hope to remain safe. Refuse to be moved from your course. What do you really want?

 Refuse the "Sucker's Choice". That is when you believe that you only have 2 options, and they are both ugly. "Either we can be honest and attack our spouse, or we can be kind and withhold the truth. Either we can disagree with the boss to help make a better choice--and get shot for it-- or we can remain quiet and keep our job." But a smart person recognizes that there is a third option. Maybe there is a way to be honest and respectful.

First--Clarify what you really want: example--

"What I want is for my husband to be more reliable. I'm tired of being let down by him when he makes commitments that I depend on."

Second-- Clarify what you really don't want: example--

"What I don't want is to have a useless and heated conversation that creates bad feelings and doesn't lead to change."

Third--Present your brain with a more complex problem: example--

"How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about being more dependable and avoid creating bad feelings or wasting our time?"

So, decide what you don't want, add what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

Chapter 4

Learn to look

How to notice when safety is at risk

The first thing to look for is when a conversation has turned into a crucial conversation. That is when things start to get tense, and if we blow it, then the consequences can be high. There a physical signs that you should learn to recognize in yourself, as well as in others. They can be different for everyone. Learn to recognize yours, and when you see them emerge, slow down and "start with heart" before things get out of hand. Notice your emotions. When you start to feel strong emotions, before you react or suppress them, take a step back, slow down and take steps to turn your brain back on. Some cues can be behavioral. A raised voice, a pointed finger, hands on the hips.

Learn to look for safety problems. "When it's safe, you can say anything....Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning--period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear." When people feel fear they resort to silence or violence. Silence can be masking, which is selectively showing or understating our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, avoiding, and withdrawing are all forms of silence.Violence is when we use any verbal strategy to convince, control or compel others to your point of view. Violence includes controlling, labeling, attacking, name-calling,  and monologuing.

The book recommends that we look for our style under stress. There is a "Style Under Stress " test included in the book, that can also be found on the website, www.crucialconversations.con/sus. It will help you to see what tactics you resort to when in the middle of a crucial conversation.

Chapter 5

Make it safe

How to make it safe to talk about almost anything

Often when we begin, the other person doesn't feel safe and so they respond poorly. Unfortunately, our reaction back to them is often not so great. The trick is to learn to step away from the content of what they have said and to restore safety. We restore safety by establishing mutual purpose. If the other person mistrusts your motive, they won't feel safe talking to you. They must believe that you care about them and their goals and objectives. The reason you are having a crucial conversation with this person in the first place is because you have some kind of relationship. So establish your mutual purpose. Do this by stating what you want-- your objective, and what you don't want--to make them feel guilty or uncomfortable, for you to become defensive or to start a fight, etc.

The other part of maintaining safety is showing respect. "The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose--it is now about defending dignity." The part that I liked about this chapter was when they asked that million dollar question...."(How) Can you respect people you don't respect?...Dialogue truly would be doomed if we had to share every objective or respect every element of another person's character before we could talk....We can however stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person's basic humanity...feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves...without excusing their behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them...Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I."

Other ideas to help the conversation are:

Apologize when appropriate

Contrast to fix misunderstanding-- When they react badly, contrast what they thought they heard you say, to what you really meant.

And CRIB, which is:

"Commit to seek a mutual purpose...make a unilateral public commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone."

"Recognize the purpose behind the strategy....Ask people why they want what they are pushing for. Separate what they're demanding from the purpose it serves."

"Invent a mutual purpose....If after clarifying everyone's purposes you are still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or long term purpose that is more motivating than the ones that keep you in conflict."

"Brainstorm new strategies....With a clear mutual purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone."

Chapter 6

Master my stories

How to stay in dialogue when you're angry, scared or hurt.

We have to remember that emotions don't just happen to us, we create them. And once we have created them, we can act on them or be acted on them. "You either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them." If I had a dollar for every time I was held hostage by my own emotions, I would be a millionaire. The time that occurs between what we see or hear, and the emotion we feel, is so quick that we think we have no control over the emotion that we feel. But between the two we tell ourselves a story, and that is what we react to. William Shakespeare said, "Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try retracing your path.  Your path has been that you have seen or heard something. You told a story about it. You felt an emotion in response to that story, And then you acted on it. So go backwards. Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you are really doing. Are you in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story and then ask what emotions are encouraging you to act this way. Analyze your stories. Often we create clever stories that make us the victim or helpless, or the other person the villain. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story.  Ask what story is creating these emotions. And then get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. What evidence do you have to support your story?

And finally tell the rest of the story...Are you pretending not to notice your role in the problem? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? What do you really want? What would you do right now if you really wanted these results?

Chapter 7

State my path

How to speak persuasively, not abrasively

When you have a touchy message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:

Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your path to action. Don't share the nasty conclusion you have reached.

Tell your story. Explain what you are beginning to conclude.

Ask for the other person's path. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.

Talk tentatively. State your story as a story--don't disguise it as a fact.

Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

In order to maintain safety when speaking honestly, have confidence, humility and use skill. Have confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. Have confidence that you can speak openly without being rude or causing undue offense. Have humility to be open to what others may have to say back to you, that maybe you can learn something. And use skill. Hopefully you practiced speaking with candor and using safety. That you have thought through what you really want from the conversation.

Sometimes in a crucial conversation we feel that we are right, no doubt about it and we find ourselves just dying to convince others that our way is best.  We push, they resist and then we push back even harder. To avoid this, watch for the moment when people start to resist you. Then back out of your current  attack and think about what you really want for yourself, others and the relationship. Tone down your approach. Avoid monologuing.

Chapter 8

Explore others' paths

How to listen when others blow up or clam up

Dean Rusk said,  

"One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears--by listening to them."

Often we may be ready to talk about an issue, calmly and rationally but the person we want to talk with either blows up or clams up. What then? Well, get ready to listen. Be sincere about it. People know when you are only pretending to be interested or trying to get them to share their thoughts only to lead the conversation toward your agenda.

Be curious. Even if they begin to attack you. Ask yourself, "why is this reasonable person acting this way? What story is moving them to silence or violence? What is behind all the ruckus?" Be patient. Remember they may be under the influence of adrenaline. Encourage them to talk and possibly share their path. How are they acting? What are they feeling? What happened to cause them to feel this way? Listen to their stories. Stay out of the defensive, even though we may be the target of their feelings. 

How do we encourage them to talk about what they're feeling? 

Remember AMPP:

Ask to get things rolling...some good invitations include--

"What's going on?"

"I'd really like to hear your opinion on this."

"Please let me know if you see it differently."

"Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I really want to know your thoughts."

Mirror to confirm feelings...describe how the other person is looking or acting. 

Some good examples include--

"You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset."

"You seem angry at me. 

"You look nervous about confronting him."

Paraphrase to acknowledge the story...rephrase the story the person has told you and do it in a way that suggests that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's safe to talk candidly.

Prime when you're getting nowhere...Sometimes others won't open up, they act as if they would like to, but still may not feel safe. Prime the pump. Give your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling. Either you will hit the nail on the head and they will agree, or you will miss the mark and they will tell you how you are wrong.

But what if they are wrong in their thinking? "To keep ourselves from feeling nervous while exploring another's path--no matter how different or wrong they seem--remember we're trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it. Understanding doesn't equate with agreement...for now we're merely trying to get at what others think in order to understand why they are feeling the way they're feeling and doing what they're doing."

What if you disagree? Remember your ABC's:

Agree. Agree when you do. Maybe there are some things in the discussion you agree with.

Build. If others leave something out, agree where you do, then add elements that were left out of the discussion.

Compare. When you differ significantly, don't suggest others are wrong, suggest that you differ. Compare your two views.

Chapter 9 

Move to action

How to turn crucial conversations into action and results

"Having more meaning in the pool, even jointly owning it, doesn't guarantee that we all agree on what we're going to do with the meaning....(we) often fail to convert the ideas into action for two reasons:

We have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made.

We do a poor job of acting on the decisions we do make.

So the first step is to decide how to decide. Will it be a command decision, a consultation, a vote, or a consensus? And then determine who does what, by when, and how will you follow up? Document all of that. Record the commitments and then follow up. Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

Chapter 10

Putting it all together

Tools for preparing and learning

This chapter talks about the difficulty putting all of this information together, remembering it and putting it into practice. They mention that if you remember only two things, you will be better off. Learn to look  --  continually ask yourself whether you are in or out of dialogue. Are you falling into silence or violence? "They may not know how to fix the specific problem they're facing, but they know if they're not in dialogue, it can't be good. And then they try something to get back to dialogue. As it turns out, trying something is better than doing nothing." The other thing is to remember to keep it safe. The number one cause of the absence of dialogue is lack of safety. "If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine times out of ten you'll intuitively do something that helps. Sometimes you'll build safety by asking a question and showing interest in others' views. Sometimes an appropriate touch (with loved ones and family members --not at work where touching can equate with harassment) can communicate safety. Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief time out can help restore safety..."

The rest of the chapter shows a nice little model of dialogue with everything that was included in the book. Also a table which coaches you through a crucial conversation. It might be useful to copy these and refer to them often to see if we are remembering what we've learned and if we are making any progress.

Chapter 11

Yeah, but

Advice for tough cases

This chapter deals with 17 of the tough cases that people may have to deal with. They state the case, where we are likely to go wrong, and then the solution. This was very helpful, but it would be really great to see it done in real life. Which is what they apparently do on their website. I haven't looked yet, but hope to get around to doing it.

Chapter 12

Change your life

How to turn ideas into habits

The authors talk about the variables that affect our chances at success with our newly learned skills. They are surprise, emotion, and scripts. It is hard to prepare for things that take us by surprise, and which can be heavily laden with emotion on both sides of the conversation. Also we often find ourselves using scripts, which are pre-bundled phrases we use in common conversations. When we use scripts, we are not really thinking. And when we are using scripts it is difficult to pull ourselves out of the routine and try something new.

The authors suggest four principles:

Master the content. Recognise what works and why. Generate new scripts of your own.

Master the skills. "Use your new scripts in a way that is consistent with the supporting principles. You have to be able to say the right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions." I like the story they share about the Vietnam war prisoner who plays golf in his head to keep his sanity. When he gets home, he plays and shoots his best score ever, one under par. His friends are astonished and he explains, "Why shouldn't I have shot under par? I never once shot over par while I was in prison."

Enhance your motive. "You must want to change. Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped." To help our motives we can apply incentives, go public, remember the costs and focus on the rewards, think about things that can help, and schedule crucial conversations when you're feeling confident.

Watch for cues. "To overcome surprise, emotion and scripts, you must recognize the call to action. Old stimuli generate old responses. If a problem doesn't cue your new skills, you'll return to your old habits without even realizing you missed a chance to try something new."

Good luck!

Until next time ;o)

Book # 12

The Unexpected, Amazing and Elusive Mrs. Pollifax

by Dorothy Gillman

Hey! Time for something a little less serious....

When I was a child I could sneak around my whole house, evading the squeaky floor spots, without making a sound. I would slink into the kitchen when my 2 older sisters were doing the dishes and listen to their conversation. One day they caught me listening, and outraged, they asked if I was going to grow up to be a thief. No, not a thief... a spy.

When I was in college, I joined the military. I wanted to specialize in Military Intelligence but there wasn't a MI unit nearby, and so I had to choose between being a cook and a radio operator. Neither one appealed to me and so I picked the one I was most familiar with. I became a cook. I hate cooking!

Also in college I met a guy and became his girlfriend. He was bad for me in so many ways, number one way being that he continued to see and sleep with his old girlfriend and I knew it. He didn't know that I knew it, he thought that he was so sneaky, but I knew everything that he did. Everything. I don't know why I put up with him, call it the stupidity of the young and inexperienced, but I did get a perverse pleasure out of finding out everything about him and him not knowing that I knew.

Now I am in my mid-40's. I am full of "dry rot". I went to a conference a few weekends ago and a woman asked what I did for a living. I told her that I had a window cleaning business, but that I didn't yet know what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told her that I was considering going back to school in the fall, but that I had no clue what to go for. Then the words slid out of my mouth, "I want to be a private investigator." We both laughed. But then I seriously told her about wanting to be a spy when I was a kid and she said, "well maybe you would be good at it then." So it lodged in my brain and when my mom and sisters came for a visit I told them about my funny idea, and during our discussion, it occurred to me that my niche could be investigating for men and women who had met someone (online or otherwise) and wanted to discover any skeletons in their closet before they got involved too deep. I wish I had hired a PI before falling head over heels for my ex. Would have made life a lot less dramatic and painful these last 2 years. Would have saved me a lot of money and heartache. So anyway, during this conversation with my mom and sisters, one sister said that I should read the Mrs. Pollifax series and within a week, I have read 3. The Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax, The Amazing Mrs. Pollifax and the Elusive Mrs. Pollifax. They are charming---really.

Mrs Pollifax is an elderly lady who has has raised 2 children and lost her husband. She has lived a comfortable life, but now feels like her life is "so unused, so purposeless". She is tempted to take her life, but is interrupted as she is contemplating. Then she reads an article in the newspaper about a woman who, at 63 finds a successful career in the theater. She was performing in a play that had opened to rave reviews in New York. "I owe it to my age" the actress told the interviewer. "The theater world is teeming with bright and talented young things, but there is a dearth of 63 year old character actresses. They needed me--I was unexpected." Mrs. Pollifax wondered if there was an area in which she too might be unexpected? When she was young, she wanted to be a spy and so she decides to volunteer to work for the CIA. Through a funny mistake she is recruited to act as a courier for the CIA and sets off on an adventure to Mexico.

These are my favorite parts---

From the Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax...

He was listening attentively--yes he was a very nice young doctor. "I think you said you do a great deal of volunteer work?" In a precise way she ticked off the list of charities to which she gave her time; it was a long and sensible list. The doctor nodded. "Yes, but do you enjoy volunteer work?" Mrs Pollifax blinked at the unexpectedness of his question. "That's odd," she said, and suddenly smiled at him. "Actually I suppose I loath it." He could not help smiling back at her; there was something contagious about her smile, something conspiratorial and twinkling. "Then perhaps it is time you looked for more congenial outlets," he suggested...."Do you feel you're a particularly creative person?" Mrs. Pollifax smiled. "Goodness, I don't know. I'm just --me." He ignored that, saying very seriously, "It's very important for everyone, at any age, to live to his full potential. Otherwise a kind of dry rot sets in, a rust, a disintegration of personality."...."Isn't there something you've always longed to do, something you've never had either the time or the freedom for until now?" Mrs. Pollifax looked at him. "When I was growing up--oh for years--I planned to become a spy," she admitted. The doctor threw back his head and laughed, and Mrs, Pollifax wondered why, when she was being her most serious, people found her so amusing....

From The Amazing Mrs. Pollifax...

"As she stood transfixed the last notes of a muezzin's chant reached her ears from below, sounding phantoms in the high clear air, and Mrs. Pollifax thought, I must remember this moment, and then, I shall have to come back and really see this country. Yet she knew if she did come back it would be entirely different. It was the unexpected that brought to these moments this tender unnameable rush of understanding, this joy in being alive. It was the safety following danger, it was the food after hours of hunger, rest following exhaustion, it was the astonishing strangers who had become her friends. It was this and more, until the richness of living caught at her throat, and all the well meant security with which people surrounded themselves was exposed for what it truly was: a wall to keep out life, a conceit, a mad delusion."

From The Elusive Mrs. Pollifax...

"As they taxied down the runway for takeoff she opened a tattered copy of Newsweek. But as the plane lifted, Mrs. Pollifax realized that printed words were lifeless to her at a moment when she was about to begin another courier assignment. She put down the magazine and gazed out of the window, wondering what she would be like when she finished this job because it seemed to her that each one left her changed. Now, once again, she was leaving behind friends, identity, children, possessions--everything secure--for another small adventure. At her age, too. But this was exactly the age, she thought, when life ought to be spent, not hoarded. There had been enough years of comfortable living, and complacency was nothing but delusion. One could not always change the world, she felt, but one could change oneself.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 11

Crucial Confrontations

Tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior.

by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Okay, now this is a book I can really use. For, as the authors feel, there are many of us out there, that when others have broken promises, violated expectations, or are exhibiting bad behavior: we either resort to violence or silence. Neither response works, at least in the long run. I usually choose silence, until the anger fills me all up and then I erupt. That is no fun for anyone.

Part one: Work on me first.

What to do before a crucial confrontation.

Chapter 1: Choose What and If

How to know what crucial confrontation to hold and if you should hold it.

Problems do not always come in a simple little package. Often they are complicated bundles and we need to know which problem is the most important and what to tackle first. If you find that you are dealing with an issue over and over again, you may be dealing with the wrong issue. The acronym CPR can help to define a problem as well as eliminate "Groundhog Day". Content: What just happened? Pattern: What has been happening over time? Relationship: What is happening to us? Relationship concerns are more important than the content or the pattern. "The issue in not that the other people have disappointed you repeatedly, it's that the string of disappointments has caused you to lose trust in them." If you are concerned over the feelings in the relationship, then continually discussing the content or pattern will leave you feeling dissatisfied over and over again.

The key is to first define the consequence of the behavior that has upset you. Then examine the intention of the culprit. Ask what you really want to happen. And after that, decide if what has you upset is REALLY worth the confrontation.

Often we don't speak up when we should. To help decide whether we are clamming up when we should speak up, ask yourself: Am I acting out my concerns? (You may be silent but is your body language telling a different tale?) Is my conscience nagging me? Am I choosing the certainty of silence over the the risk of speaking up? Am I telling myself that I am helpless?

"To determine whether we are wrongly speaking up, ask if the social system will support your effort."

Chapter 2: Master my stories

How to get your head right before opening your mouth.

Here is the pattern---"we see what a person did and then we tell ourselves a story about why he or she did it, which leads to a feeling, which leads to our own actions. If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response to fight or flight and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile..."  
Oh, so that is why I say such venomous things when I get angry...har har!

The solution is to tell the rest of the story. Instead of coming up with an ugly reason why the person did what he or she did, and assuming the worst, ask yourself "why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do that?" "By asking this humanizing question, individuals who routinely master crucial confrontations adopt a situational as well as a dispositional view of people. Instead of arguing that others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics, influence masters look to the environment and ask, "What other sources of influence are acting on this person? What's causing this person to do that? Since this person is rational but appears to be acting either irrationally or irresponsibly, what am I missing?"

I recently had a successful experience with this principle. I was having a planning meeting with my children and because of an conversation I'd had with another adult recently, I assumed that my 17 year old was willing to do something that I wanted him to do. My son is a reasonable, usually willing child and so I was surprised when he reacted rebelliously and aggressively when I mentioned what I wanted him to do. I stammered a bit and then he stalked out of the house. I thought about it and reasoned that he was right, I shouldn't have assumed that he would do it. ALSO, I realized that he was upset because he had just lost his cell phone. So that evening, I told him about my conversation with the other adult and then apologized for assuming that he would do it and told him that I would be fine if he didn't want to do it, he just needed to let me know, so I could plan on someone else. He replied, "It's okay mom, I was just upset because I lost my phone."  

The rest of that chapter dealt with the six sources of influence which we should examine when we are trying to figure out why the person acted in the negative manner that he or she did. They are:

First, the self / motivate -- Is the person motivated to do the action we want them to do. Does it bring them pleasure or pain? Second, the self / enable -- Does the person have the skills to do what is required? Third, others / motivate -- peer pressure. Is the other person being influenced by peers, the boss, customers, family, or any other human being in some way? Fourth, others / enable -- Are others helping or hindering? Are they providing help, information, tools, materials, or even permission? Fifth, things / motivate -- Are things (the carrot or the stick) motivating the persons behavior? Rewards and punishments motivate. Sixth, things / enable -- when it comes to ability, things can be a bridge or a barrier. A few things that can affect ability are; proximity, or the lack of, (example, a tv in your child's room may hinder them from completing homework) gadgets, (giving your child a watch may help him to come home on time) and data.

Part Two: Confront With Safety

What to do during a crucial confrontation

Chapter 3: Describe the gap
How to start a crucial confrontation.
This chapter starts with a quote by Ambrose Bierce,
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

Before we open our mouths we should be sure about what we are confronting. Was it a gap between what you expected and what actually happened, was it a broken promise, a missed deadline, or bad behavior? The key is to start out by describing what happened. The authors give a list of what not to do, which was: Don't play games (which would be throwing the confrontation in the middle of a pleasant, casual conversation), don't play charades with body language or facial expressions, don't pass the buck to other people, and don't play read my mind. Just start with describing the gap. Some confrontations are controversial or touchy and we need to watch out for the other person's feelings of safety. They will feel unsafe if they feel you don't respect them as a human being (you lack mutual respect), or you don't care about their goals (you lack mutual purpose).

To show mutual respect watch your tone of voice, your facial expressions, your manner and attitude, and the words you say.   

As for showing mutual purpose, making it motivating or easy, or how to stay focused or flexible --- blah, blah, blah -- you are going to have to read the book yourself. Explaining all this is giving me a headache. Honestly, I appreciated this book, but I cannot motivate myself to write one more word about it. It is a library book on inter-library loan and it is already a week late. I have had some personal issues come up and I just can't be held hostage by this blog post any longer. I need to move on. Forgive me. 

Also they have a website where you can get more information---
www.crucialconfrontations.com/book

Until Next Time ;o)
 

Chapter 4: Make it motivating

How to help others want to take action.

Chapter 5: Make it easy

How to make keeping commitments (almost) painless.

Chapter 6: Stay focused and flexible

What to do when others get sidetracked , scream or sulk.

Part Three: Move to Action

What to do after a crucial confrontation

Chapter 7: Agree on a plan and follow up

How to gain commitment and move to action.

Chapter 8: Put it all together

How to solve big, sticky, complicated problems

Chapter 9: The Twelve "Yeah-Buts"

How to deal with the truly tough.

Appendix A: Where do you stand?

A self-assessment for measuring your crucial confrontation skills

Appendix B: Six-source Diagnostic questions

The six-source model

Appendix C: When things go right

Appendix D: Discussion Questions for reading groups.