Book # 49

Let It Go
By Chris Williams

I didn't really want to read this book, but when I saw it in the library I felt compelled to do so. I knew it would be emotional for me since it is about a man who was in an auto accident in 2007 with his family; his wife, unborn child, 11 year old son and 9 year old daughter were killed. He and his 7 year old son survived. Another son, age 14 was not in the car. The other vehicle involved was driven by a 17 year old drunk driver. 

He told a lot of his history with his wife, how they met and married and their life together. He told about his children. He wrote about the accident and how immediately afterward, as he realized that his family members were dead, how excruciating his pain was. And then as he looked toward the other vehicle he described a different feeling coming over him.

   "...I saw the car that had just hit us resting upside down on its roof uphill from my car; there was suddenly an immense peace and silence that filled the inside of the vehicle, my soul, and my thoughts....My thoughts went quiet, I felt at peace, and then I heard a voice that was not my own in my mind as clearly as if it had come from someone seated next to me....it was straightforward and filled with power, and the voice said, 'Let it go!'....I immediately felt an enabling power beyond my own, healing and enlarging, my crushed and receptive soul. I knew exactly what I had to do and exactly what those three words meant. Regardless of whoever had been driving the other car and regardless of whatever the circumstances behind this tragedy were, this was not my burden to carry. I was told in no uncertain terms not to try to pick it up. I understood that this was not an invitation to let it go, this was a direct command to let it go."

For readers of this blog who do not know me, my husband was killed in a car accident almost 9 years ago. He was on his way to work at 6 am the day after Christmas 2003. The other vehicle was driven by a 20 year old young man from a town up north of us. He had been up all night hanging out with his cousin and girlfriend and then he and his cousin headed to Delta for duck hunting. He was in my husband's lane at the time of impact but he claimed that as they approached each other, my husband went into his lane and so he swerved into my husbands lane and then my husband swerved back into his own lane and they hit head on.

It could have happened that way, but I doubt it. I have traveled that road hundreds of times when tired. It is lonely and mesmerizing. There is nothing to keep your interest. It is quiet and dark. I also know my husband. He was a morning person, easy to bounce out of bed at 5 am, without hitting the snooze button even once. He was also a careful driver, especially when the weather was bad, and the weather was bad that morning. There were a few inches of slushy snow on the road at the time of the accident. So, although I have no way of knowing, I believe that the young man was sleeping and made the story up.

Needless to say, I cried through most of this book and read it in about 4 hours during the night. I couldn't put it down. I must say, although I didn't have such a powerful experience with forgiveness that the author did, I did feel that same peace and feeling of "letting it go". I never met the young driver in the other vehicle, but I did meet his cousin. He made an effort to talk to me in the hospital and he was visibly shaken. Without a second thought, I put my arms around him and asked him if he was okay. I asked him about his cousin, the driver. Some have asked me about that moment, wondering how I could do it. Honestly, it was the most natural thing in the world. There have been times when I have been tempted to be bitter or judgmental, and I have simply remembered the peace that I felt right then in the hospital and have let it go. I know that my life has been better for it.

The other part of the book that impacted me, was the author's account of something that happened to him when he was a teenager. He was driving to work, when two small children ran out from between parked cars and were both hit by his car. He was not at fault, but it was still difficult for him when one of them died, a little 5 year old boy named Jimmy. Shortly after the funeral, he received a letter from the boy's mother. She wrote, "We know you, Chris, were chosen to create the physical change in Jimmy to allow him to leave us as the world understands death. Because of the physical damage, it made it much easier for us to let him go....Take courage Chris, and lean on your testimony, all that you've learned of God is true, now let it comfort you and allow you to work for Him in every other way he has in store for you."

I have often pondered those awful death questions.... "If I had just spoken to him for 30 more seconds that morning, would he still be alive?" Was it his time to die, or is this life just full of random accidents?"  I once read a quote by President Joseph Fielding Smith that comforted me. He said, "And may I say for the consolation of those who mourn...that no righteous man is ever taken before his time. In the case of faithful Saints, they are simply transferred to other fields of labor." I have hope that that is true. I know that my husband was and is a righteous man. And that woman's letter put to words the feeling that I have had for these 9 years since his death. If he had died another way, if there hadn't been such seious physical damage, it would have been much harder to let him go. If he had gotten a serious illness, he would have resisted medical intervention, and had he died without receiving treatment, there would have been a lot of doubt, regret and judgment. Had he received treatment, he would have been very bitter about it and upset about all the medical bills he had to leave behind. As for me, it would have been horrible to watch someone so healthy and alive, to waste away. I guess the only better way for him to go would have been like my dad, and that was to immediately succumb to a heart attack. It was difficult not having that time to say our goodbyes, but considering everything, I think it was better. 

The third thought that I had while reading this book was while he was speaking of meeting with the young man, Cameron, who was responsible for the accident. He was asked by the woman who was working with Cameron at the juvenile detention facility, to come and assist her with something she was trying to accomplish with Cameron: helping him to empathize, and more fully appreciate the impact that the death of (Chris' family) had had on the lives of his family. I have often wondered how the young man in my husband's accident is doing in his life. I have wondered if he would benefit from meeting me or having some kind of closure. He would be almost 30 by now and I wonder if his life has been impacted for good or ill because of the accident. I am tempted to call his mother to ask how he is. She and I spoke a few times during the first few years but I haven't spoken to her in a long time. I don't know if my feelings are truly concern, or just curiosity? 

The last feeling I had about the book was of bewilderment. The author was careful not to give specifics, but by the timeline, I believe he was remarried within a year of the accident. Why is it that men who lose a spouse, are so often ready to remarry so quickly? Is is loneliness? Is it the need for sex? Is it because they have kids that need care? Or is it they themselves who need the care? Do they feel less loyalty? Is the scripture in Abraham 5:14 which says, "It is not good that the man should be alone" somehow genetically encoded into the man's cells? I am not judging. Just curious. 

Anyway, there you have it. My thoughts. 

Until next time :o)