Book # 12

The Unexpected, Amazing and Elusive Mrs. Pollifax

by Dorothy Gillman

Hey! Time for something a little less serious....

When I was a child I could sneak around my whole house, evading the squeaky floor spots, without making a sound. I would slink into the kitchen when my 2 older sisters were doing the dishes and listen to their conversation. One day they caught me listening, and outraged, they asked if I was going to grow up to be a thief. No, not a thief... a spy.

When I was in college, I joined the military. I wanted to specialize in Military Intelligence but there wasn't a MI unit nearby, and so I had to choose between being a cook and a radio operator. Neither one appealed to me and so I picked the one I was most familiar with. I became a cook. I hate cooking!

Also in college I met a guy and became his girlfriend. He was bad for me in so many ways, number one way being that he continued to see and sleep with his old girlfriend and I knew it. He didn't know that I knew it, he thought that he was so sneaky, but I knew everything that he did. Everything. I don't know why I put up with him, call it the stupidity of the young and inexperienced, but I did get a perverse pleasure out of finding out everything about him and him not knowing that I knew.

Now I am in my mid-40's. I am full of "dry rot". I went to a conference a few weekends ago and a woman asked what I did for a living. I told her that I had a window cleaning business, but that I didn't yet know what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told her that I was considering going back to school in the fall, but that I had no clue what to go for. Then the words slid out of my mouth, "I want to be a private investigator." We both laughed. But then I seriously told her about wanting to be a spy when I was a kid and she said, "well maybe you would be good at it then." So it lodged in my brain and when my mom and sisters came for a visit I told them about my funny idea, and during our discussion, it occurred to me that my niche could be investigating for men and women who had met someone (online or otherwise) and wanted to discover any skeletons in their closet before they got involved too deep. I wish I had hired a PI before falling head over heels for my ex. Would have made life a lot less dramatic and painful these last 2 years. Would have saved me a lot of money and heartache. So anyway, during this conversation with my mom and sisters, one sister said that I should read the Mrs. Pollifax series and within a week, I have read 3. The Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax, The Amazing Mrs. Pollifax and the Elusive Mrs. Pollifax. They are charming---really.

Mrs Pollifax is an elderly lady who has has raised 2 children and lost her husband. She has lived a comfortable life, but now feels like her life is "so unused, so purposeless". She is tempted to take her life, but is interrupted as she is contemplating. Then she reads an article in the newspaper about a woman who, at 63 finds a successful career in the theater. She was performing in a play that had opened to rave reviews in New York. "I owe it to my age" the actress told the interviewer. "The theater world is teeming with bright and talented young things, but there is a dearth of 63 year old character actresses. They needed me--I was unexpected." Mrs. Pollifax wondered if there was an area in which she too might be unexpected? When she was young, she wanted to be a spy and so she decides to volunteer to work for the CIA. Through a funny mistake she is recruited to act as a courier for the CIA and sets off on an adventure to Mexico.

These are my favorite parts---

From the Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax...

He was listening attentively--yes he was a very nice young doctor. "I think you said you do a great deal of volunteer work?" In a precise way she ticked off the list of charities to which she gave her time; it was a long and sensible list. The doctor nodded. "Yes, but do you enjoy volunteer work?" Mrs Pollifax blinked at the unexpectedness of his question. "That's odd," she said, and suddenly smiled at him. "Actually I suppose I loath it." He could not help smiling back at her; there was something contagious about her smile, something conspiratorial and twinkling. "Then perhaps it is time you looked for more congenial outlets," he suggested...."Do you feel you're a particularly creative person?" Mrs. Pollifax smiled. "Goodness, I don't know. I'm just --me." He ignored that, saying very seriously, "It's very important for everyone, at any age, to live to his full potential. Otherwise a kind of dry rot sets in, a rust, a disintegration of personality."...."Isn't there something you've always longed to do, something you've never had either the time or the freedom for until now?" Mrs. Pollifax looked at him. "When I was growing up--oh for years--I planned to become a spy," she admitted. The doctor threw back his head and laughed, and Mrs, Pollifax wondered why, when she was being her most serious, people found her so amusing....

From The Amazing Mrs. Pollifax...

"As she stood transfixed the last notes of a muezzin's chant reached her ears from below, sounding phantoms in the high clear air, and Mrs. Pollifax thought, I must remember this moment, and then, I shall have to come back and really see this country. Yet she knew if she did come back it would be entirely different. It was the unexpected that brought to these moments this tender unnameable rush of understanding, this joy in being alive. It was the safety following danger, it was the food after hours of hunger, rest following exhaustion, it was the astonishing strangers who had become her friends. It was this and more, until the richness of living caught at her throat, and all the well meant security with which people surrounded themselves was exposed for what it truly was: a wall to keep out life, a conceit, a mad delusion."

From The Elusive Mrs. Pollifax...

"As they taxied down the runway for takeoff she opened a tattered copy of Newsweek. But as the plane lifted, Mrs. Pollifax realized that printed words were lifeless to her at a moment when she was about to begin another courier assignment. She put down the magazine and gazed out of the window, wondering what she would be like when she finished this job because it seemed to her that each one left her changed. Now, once again, she was leaving behind friends, identity, children, possessions--everything secure--for another small adventure. At her age, too. But this was exactly the age, she thought, when life ought to be spent, not hoarded. There had been enough years of comfortable living, and complacency was nothing but delusion. One could not always change the world, she felt, but one could change oneself.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 11

Crucial Confrontations

Tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior.

by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Okay, now this is a book I can really use. For, as the authors feel, there are many of us out there, that when others have broken promises, violated expectations, or are exhibiting bad behavior: we either resort to violence or silence. Neither response works, at least in the long run. I usually choose silence, until the anger fills me all up and then I erupt. That is no fun for anyone.

Part one: Work on me first.

What to do before a crucial confrontation.

Chapter 1: Choose What and If

How to know what crucial confrontation to hold and if you should hold it.

Problems do not always come in a simple little package. Often they are complicated bundles and we need to know which problem is the most important and what to tackle first. If you find that you are dealing with an issue over and over again, you may be dealing with the wrong issue. The acronym CPR can help to define a problem as well as eliminate "Groundhog Day". Content: What just happened? Pattern: What has been happening over time? Relationship: What is happening to us? Relationship concerns are more important than the content or the pattern. "The issue in not that the other people have disappointed you repeatedly, it's that the string of disappointments has caused you to lose trust in them." If you are concerned over the feelings in the relationship, then continually discussing the content or pattern will leave you feeling dissatisfied over and over again.

The key is to first define the consequence of the behavior that has upset you. Then examine the intention of the culprit. Ask what you really want to happen. And after that, decide if what has you upset is REALLY worth the confrontation.

Often we don't speak up when we should. To help decide whether we are clamming up when we should speak up, ask yourself: Am I acting out my concerns? (You may be silent but is your body language telling a different tale?) Is my conscience nagging me? Am I choosing the certainty of silence over the the risk of speaking up? Am I telling myself that I am helpless?

"To determine whether we are wrongly speaking up, ask if the social system will support your effort."

Chapter 2: Master my stories

How to get your head right before opening your mouth.

Here is the pattern---"we see what a person did and then we tell ourselves a story about why he or she did it, which leads to a feeling, which leads to our own actions. If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response to fight or flight and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile..."  
Oh, so that is why I say such venomous things when I get angry...har har!

The solution is to tell the rest of the story. Instead of coming up with an ugly reason why the person did what he or she did, and assuming the worst, ask yourself "why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do that?" "By asking this humanizing question, individuals who routinely master crucial confrontations adopt a situational as well as a dispositional view of people. Instead of arguing that others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics, influence masters look to the environment and ask, "What other sources of influence are acting on this person? What's causing this person to do that? Since this person is rational but appears to be acting either irrationally or irresponsibly, what am I missing?"

I recently had a successful experience with this principle. I was having a planning meeting with my children and because of an conversation I'd had with another adult recently, I assumed that my 17 year old was willing to do something that I wanted him to do. My son is a reasonable, usually willing child and so I was surprised when he reacted rebelliously and aggressively when I mentioned what I wanted him to do. I stammered a bit and then he stalked out of the house. I thought about it and reasoned that he was right, I shouldn't have assumed that he would do it. ALSO, I realized that he was upset because he had just lost his cell phone. So that evening, I told him about my conversation with the other adult and then apologized for assuming that he would do it and told him that I would be fine if he didn't want to do it, he just needed to let me know, so I could plan on someone else. He replied, "It's okay mom, I was just upset because I lost my phone."  

The rest of that chapter dealt with the six sources of influence which we should examine when we are trying to figure out why the person acted in the negative manner that he or she did. They are:

First, the self / motivate -- Is the person motivated to do the action we want them to do. Does it bring them pleasure or pain? Second, the self / enable -- Does the person have the skills to do what is required? Third, others / motivate -- peer pressure. Is the other person being influenced by peers, the boss, customers, family, or any other human being in some way? Fourth, others / enable -- Are others helping or hindering? Are they providing help, information, tools, materials, or even permission? Fifth, things / motivate -- Are things (the carrot or the stick) motivating the persons behavior? Rewards and punishments motivate. Sixth, things / enable -- when it comes to ability, things can be a bridge or a barrier. A few things that can affect ability are; proximity, or the lack of, (example, a tv in your child's room may hinder them from completing homework) gadgets, (giving your child a watch may help him to come home on time) and data.

Part Two: Confront With Safety

What to do during a crucial confrontation

Chapter 3: Describe the gap
How to start a crucial confrontation.
This chapter starts with a quote by Ambrose Bierce,
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

Before we open our mouths we should be sure about what we are confronting. Was it a gap between what you expected and what actually happened, was it a broken promise, a missed deadline, or bad behavior? The key is to start out by describing what happened. The authors give a list of what not to do, which was: Don't play games (which would be throwing the confrontation in the middle of a pleasant, casual conversation), don't play charades with body language or facial expressions, don't pass the buck to other people, and don't play read my mind. Just start with describing the gap. Some confrontations are controversial or touchy and we need to watch out for the other person's feelings of safety. They will feel unsafe if they feel you don't respect them as a human being (you lack mutual respect), or you don't care about their goals (you lack mutual purpose).

To show mutual respect watch your tone of voice, your facial expressions, your manner and attitude, and the words you say.   

As for showing mutual purpose, making it motivating or easy, or how to stay focused or flexible --- blah, blah, blah -- you are going to have to read the book yourself. Explaining all this is giving me a headache. Honestly, I appreciated this book, but I cannot motivate myself to write one more word about it. It is a library book on inter-library loan and it is already a week late. I have had some personal issues come up and I just can't be held hostage by this blog post any longer. I need to move on. Forgive me. 

Also they have a website where you can get more information---
www.crucialconfrontations.com/book

Until Next Time ;o)
 

Chapter 4: Make it motivating

How to help others want to take action.

Chapter 5: Make it easy

How to make keeping commitments (almost) painless.

Chapter 6: Stay focused and flexible

What to do when others get sidetracked , scream or sulk.

Part Three: Move to Action

What to do after a crucial confrontation

Chapter 7: Agree on a plan and follow up

How to gain commitment and move to action.

Chapter 8: Put it all together

How to solve big, sticky, complicated problems

Chapter 9: The Twelve "Yeah-Buts"

How to deal with the truly tough.

Appendix A: Where do you stand?

A self-assessment for measuring your crucial confrontation skills

Appendix B: Six-source Diagnostic questions

The six-source model

Appendix C: When things go right

Appendix D: Discussion Questions for reading groups.

Book # 10

House Rules

By Jodi Picoult

This wasn't supposed to be book #10. I was reading another book and I made the mistake of checking this book out when I was half finished with the other one. A friend told me about it, and I was curious because the main character has Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of autism. She, bearing the brunt of much of my anguish over my recently dissolved marriage, called me up one day, insisting that my ex must have Asperger's. I must admit, it was a thought that had already crossed my mind. So, I picked it up when I saw it at the library, and once I picked it up I could not put it down!  Ask my kids....did I make my bed yesterday....do any Saturday cleaning....do anything fun with them....go grocery shopping....do laundry???  Thank goodness I finished it! Now life can get back to normal. BTW...did you wonder why I am reading mostly non-fiction? That is why. lol

The story revolves around Jacob-- 18 years old, handsome, extremely intelligent, obsessed with forensic science and sadly the boy with Aspergers. His mother is Emma, single parent since Jacob was 3, and advice columnist with the pen name of Auntie Em. Jacob's younger brother Theo, is 15 and hates being part of a family that he feels is so abnormal. He has a bad habit of breaking into homes, when the owner isn't there, and pretending that he is a part of their normal, happy family, where he gets his fair share of attention. Jacob is tutored in social skills by a compassionate young woman named Jess, who has a rotten boyfriend named Mark.  Also part of the story are Rich, the police captain; and Oliver, the brand new lawyer, who appear in the story when Jacob is suddenly and traumatically charged with murder.

I feel this book was well written. Very entertaining, and full of information about Aspergers and forensic science. I liked how each chapter was told through a different character's point of view, and also began with a true story of a crime that was committed and solved through forensic science,  I would recommend it to anyone who wants a good read. However, (and I know this will make me sound prudish) but I didn't appreciate the frequent F bomb. I guess when you have a story about teenage boys, it seems inevitable.  Well, I sure hope my boys don't talk like that. Is that wishful thinking?

Until next time ;o)