Book # 11

Crucial Confrontations

Tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior.

by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Okay, now this is a book I can really use. For, as the authors feel, there are many of us out there, that when others have broken promises, violated expectations, or are exhibiting bad behavior: we either resort to violence or silence. Neither response works, at least in the long run. I usually choose silence, until the anger fills me all up and then I erupt. That is no fun for anyone.

Part one: Work on me first.

What to do before a crucial confrontation.

Chapter 1: Choose What and If

How to know what crucial confrontation to hold and if you should hold it.

Problems do not always come in a simple little package. Often they are complicated bundles and we need to know which problem is the most important and what to tackle first. If you find that you are dealing with an issue over and over again, you may be dealing with the wrong issue. The acronym CPR can help to define a problem as well as eliminate "Groundhog Day". Content: What just happened? Pattern: What has been happening over time? Relationship: What is happening to us? Relationship concerns are more important than the content or the pattern. "The issue in not that the other people have disappointed you repeatedly, it's that the string of disappointments has caused you to lose trust in them." If you are concerned over the feelings in the relationship, then continually discussing the content or pattern will leave you feeling dissatisfied over and over again.

The key is to first define the consequence of the behavior that has upset you. Then examine the intention of the culprit. Ask what you really want to happen. And after that, decide if what has you upset is REALLY worth the confrontation.

Often we don't speak up when we should. To help decide whether we are clamming up when we should speak up, ask yourself: Am I acting out my concerns? (You may be silent but is your body language telling a different tale?) Is my conscience nagging me? Am I choosing the certainty of silence over the the risk of speaking up? Am I telling myself that I am helpless?

"To determine whether we are wrongly speaking up, ask if the social system will support your effort."

Chapter 2: Master my stories

How to get your head right before opening your mouth.

Here is the pattern---"we see what a person did and then we tell ourselves a story about why he or she did it, which leads to a feeling, which leads to our own actions. If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response to fight or flight and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile..."  
Oh, so that is why I say such venomous things when I get angry...har har!

The solution is to tell the rest of the story. Instead of coming up with an ugly reason why the person did what he or she did, and assuming the worst, ask yourself "why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do that?" "By asking this humanizing question, individuals who routinely master crucial confrontations adopt a situational as well as a dispositional view of people. Instead of arguing that others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics, influence masters look to the environment and ask, "What other sources of influence are acting on this person? What's causing this person to do that? Since this person is rational but appears to be acting either irrationally or irresponsibly, what am I missing?"

I recently had a successful experience with this principle. I was having a planning meeting with my children and because of an conversation I'd had with another adult recently, I assumed that my 17 year old was willing to do something that I wanted him to do. My son is a reasonable, usually willing child and so I was surprised when he reacted rebelliously and aggressively when I mentioned what I wanted him to do. I stammered a bit and then he stalked out of the house. I thought about it and reasoned that he was right, I shouldn't have assumed that he would do it. ALSO, I realized that he was upset because he had just lost his cell phone. So that evening, I told him about my conversation with the other adult and then apologized for assuming that he would do it and told him that I would be fine if he didn't want to do it, he just needed to let me know, so I could plan on someone else. He replied, "It's okay mom, I was just upset because I lost my phone."  

The rest of that chapter dealt with the six sources of influence which we should examine when we are trying to figure out why the person acted in the negative manner that he or she did. They are:

First, the self / motivate -- Is the person motivated to do the action we want them to do. Does it bring them pleasure or pain? Second, the self / enable -- Does the person have the skills to do what is required? Third, others / motivate -- peer pressure. Is the other person being influenced by peers, the boss, customers, family, or any other human being in some way? Fourth, others / enable -- Are others helping or hindering? Are they providing help, information, tools, materials, or even permission? Fifth, things / motivate -- Are things (the carrot or the stick) motivating the persons behavior? Rewards and punishments motivate. Sixth, things / enable -- when it comes to ability, things can be a bridge or a barrier. A few things that can affect ability are; proximity, or the lack of, (example, a tv in your child's room may hinder them from completing homework) gadgets, (giving your child a watch may help him to come home on time) and data.

Part Two: Confront With Safety

What to do during a crucial confrontation

Chapter 3: Describe the gap
How to start a crucial confrontation.
This chapter starts with a quote by Ambrose Bierce,
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

Before we open our mouths we should be sure about what we are confronting. Was it a gap between what you expected and what actually happened, was it a broken promise, a missed deadline, or bad behavior? The key is to start out by describing what happened. The authors give a list of what not to do, which was: Don't play games (which would be throwing the confrontation in the middle of a pleasant, casual conversation), don't play charades with body language or facial expressions, don't pass the buck to other people, and don't play read my mind. Just start with describing the gap. Some confrontations are controversial or touchy and we need to watch out for the other person's feelings of safety. They will feel unsafe if they feel you don't respect them as a human being (you lack mutual respect), or you don't care about their goals (you lack mutual purpose).

To show mutual respect watch your tone of voice, your facial expressions, your manner and attitude, and the words you say.   

As for showing mutual purpose, making it motivating or easy, or how to stay focused or flexible --- blah, blah, blah -- you are going to have to read the book yourself. Explaining all this is giving me a headache. Honestly, I appreciated this book, but I cannot motivate myself to write one more word about it. It is a library book on inter-library loan and it is already a week late. I have had some personal issues come up and I just can't be held hostage by this blog post any longer. I need to move on. Forgive me. 

Also they have a website where you can get more information---
www.crucialconfrontations.com/book

Until Next Time ;o)
 

Chapter 4: Make it motivating

How to help others want to take action.

Chapter 5: Make it easy

How to make keeping commitments (almost) painless.

Chapter 6: Stay focused and flexible

What to do when others get sidetracked , scream or sulk.

Part Three: Move to Action

What to do after a crucial confrontation

Chapter 7: Agree on a plan and follow up

How to gain commitment and move to action.

Chapter 8: Put it all together

How to solve big, sticky, complicated problems

Chapter 9: The Twelve "Yeah-Buts"

How to deal with the truly tough.

Appendix A: Where do you stand?

A self-assessment for measuring your crucial confrontation skills

Appendix B: Six-source Diagnostic questions

The six-source model

Appendix C: When things go right

Appendix D: Discussion Questions for reading groups.