Book # 13

Crucial Conversations

Tools for talking when stakes are high

By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

This book is similar to the other one I read. Actually this one was written first, but I requested them both from inter-library loan and the Crucial Confrontations came first, so I went with it. I found that they were very similar anyway.


If you remember, Crucial Confrontations was the one where I couldn't, wouldn't finish the post. This one almost went the same way, yet I was determined. I hope you appreciate it! It's been excruciating to write. I think it has something to do with me needing the information so badly yet feeling that I will never get it. And wondering if I'd only known this information, would my second marriage have succeeded? Okay, Okay...to those of you in the know, yes, he was crazy, but I will still always wonder.

In the foreword, written by Steven Covey, who of course, is raving about this book, there is a quote that I like. He says, "What you learn is that crucial conversations transform people and relationships....They produce what Buddhism calls "the middle way"--not a compromise between two opposites on a straight-line continuum, but a higher way, like the apex of a triangle. Because two or more people have created something new from genuine dialogue, bonding takes place....When you produce something with another person that is truly creative, it's one of the most powerful forms of bonding there is..."  He also talked about creating the right mind set, the right heart set, and developing and utilizing the right skill set.

Chapter 1 

What's a Crucial Conversation?

And who cares?

A crucial conversation is a discussion between 2 or more people where:

Opinions vary

The stakes are high

Emotions run strong

"What makes each of these conversations crucial--and not simply challenging, frustrating, frightening, or annoying--is that the results can have a huge impact on the quality of your life."

We can choose... Avoid them and suffer the consequences. Face them, handle them poorly and face the consequences. Face them and handle them well. Why would we choose anything other that the latter? Well, because often when something comes up, it causes us to experience a strong emotion, and when emotions are high, adrenaline kicks in. Adrenaline cause more blood flow to the large muscles of our arms and legs (to be used for fight or flight) and thus we get less blood flow to the higher reasoning sections of the brain. Also we might handle it poorly because we are stumped. We don't know how to handle it any better. Practice makes perfect is the old saying, but we often don't know what to practice. We often haven't seen how many of our problems are best handled. Many of us have only seen what not to do by others. We also act in self defeating ways. Example-- your spouse acts in a way that bothers you, and so you nag. Nagging bothers your spouse and and so then he or she avoids you or reacts in another negative way. It can be a vicious cycle.

The rest of the chapter talks about how mastering your crucial conversations will help you to improve your career, strengthen your relationships, vitalize your organizations and communities, and improve your health.

Chapter 2

Mastering Crucial Conversations

The Power of Dialogue

Dialogue is the free flow of meaning between two or more people. Skilled people find a way to get relevant information from themselves and others out into the open, into the "pool of information", as the authors like to put it. They also do their best to make it safe for everyone to share their feelings, opinions, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand. The more information that is shared, the smarter the decisions made. Also when people share in making a decision, they are more likely to willingly act on the decision. Samuel Butler said, "He that complies against his will, is of his own opinion still." I love that quote. When people aren't made to feel safe in expressing themselves, they either resort to silence or violence. Examples of silence would be when we play "salute and stay mute", or "freeze your lover". "Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our point. We play martyr and then pretend we're actually trying to help...On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we rely on violence---anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks...we use every manner of force to get our way....the goal, of course, is always the same--to compel others to our point of view."

The rest of the chapter is encouragement to let us know that dialogue skills are learnable, and then it outlines the rest of the book and how they are going to teach us those skills.

Chapter 3

Start with Heart

How to stay focused on what you really want

People who care about the outcomes of conversations "start with heart". They work on themselves first. They start high risk discussions with the right motives and stay focused no matter what happens. They know what they want and the don't make excuses for unhealthy behavior. They know that dialogue is always the better option.

While having an important conversation, you might start to feel attacked or embarrassed. Ask yourself, "What do I really want here? "In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself--much like an outsider. Ask yourself: "what am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive? As you make an honest effort to discover your motive, you might conclude...I'm doing anything to win the argument." When you recognize that your motives have shifted to only protecting yourself, you can consciously shift back to better motives. Ask yourself: "What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? How would I behave if I really wanted these results? When we ask ourselves what we really want, we return to our original purpose, despite the fact that we are being tempted to take the wrong path, either by people who are trying to pick a fight, by our own emotions, or by our own habit of trying to win.

Also when you ask yourself the question of what we really want, we take charge of our body. "As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that helps us think, and away from the parts of our body that help us to take flight or begin a fight."

Often there are tempting deviations from our course. We want to win. We want revenge. Or we hope to remain safe. Refuse to be moved from your course. What do you really want?

 Refuse the "Sucker's Choice". That is when you believe that you only have 2 options, and they are both ugly. "Either we can be honest and attack our spouse, or we can be kind and withhold the truth. Either we can disagree with the boss to help make a better choice--and get shot for it-- or we can remain quiet and keep our job." But a smart person recognizes that there is a third option. Maybe there is a way to be honest and respectful.

First--Clarify what you really want: example--

"What I want is for my husband to be more reliable. I'm tired of being let down by him when he makes commitments that I depend on."

Second-- Clarify what you really don't want: example--

"What I don't want is to have a useless and heated conversation that creates bad feelings and doesn't lead to change."

Third--Present your brain with a more complex problem: example--

"How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about being more dependable and avoid creating bad feelings or wasting our time?"

So, decide what you don't want, add what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

Chapter 4

Learn to look

How to notice when safety is at risk

The first thing to look for is when a conversation has turned into a crucial conversation. That is when things start to get tense, and if we blow it, then the consequences can be high. There a physical signs that you should learn to recognize in yourself, as well as in others. They can be different for everyone. Learn to recognize yours, and when you see them emerge, slow down and "start with heart" before things get out of hand. Notice your emotions. When you start to feel strong emotions, before you react or suppress them, take a step back, slow down and take steps to turn your brain back on. Some cues can be behavioral. A raised voice, a pointed finger, hands on the hips.

Learn to look for safety problems. "When it's safe, you can say anything....Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning--period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear." When people feel fear they resort to silence or violence. Silence can be masking, which is selectively showing or understating our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, avoiding, and withdrawing are all forms of silence.Violence is when we use any verbal strategy to convince, control or compel others to your point of view. Violence includes controlling, labeling, attacking, name-calling,  and monologuing.

The book recommends that we look for our style under stress. There is a "Style Under Stress " test included in the book, that can also be found on the website, www.crucialconversations.con/sus. It will help you to see what tactics you resort to when in the middle of a crucial conversation.

Chapter 5

Make it safe

How to make it safe to talk about almost anything

Often when we begin, the other person doesn't feel safe and so they respond poorly. Unfortunately, our reaction back to them is often not so great. The trick is to learn to step away from the content of what they have said and to restore safety. We restore safety by establishing mutual purpose. If the other person mistrusts your motive, they won't feel safe talking to you. They must believe that you care about them and their goals and objectives. The reason you are having a crucial conversation with this person in the first place is because you have some kind of relationship. So establish your mutual purpose. Do this by stating what you want-- your objective, and what you don't want--to make them feel guilty or uncomfortable, for you to become defensive or to start a fight, etc.

The other part of maintaining safety is showing respect. "The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose--it is now about defending dignity." The part that I liked about this chapter was when they asked that million dollar question...."(How) Can you respect people you don't respect?...Dialogue truly would be doomed if we had to share every objective or respect every element of another person's character before we could talk....We can however stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person's basic humanity...feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves...without excusing their behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them...Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I."

Other ideas to help the conversation are:

Apologize when appropriate

Contrast to fix misunderstanding-- When they react badly, contrast what they thought they heard you say, to what you really meant.

And CRIB, which is:

"Commit to seek a mutual purpose...make a unilateral public commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone."

"Recognize the purpose behind the strategy....Ask people why they want what they are pushing for. Separate what they're demanding from the purpose it serves."

"Invent a mutual purpose....If after clarifying everyone's purposes you are still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or long term purpose that is more motivating than the ones that keep you in conflict."

"Brainstorm new strategies....With a clear mutual purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone."

Chapter 6

Master my stories

How to stay in dialogue when you're angry, scared or hurt.

We have to remember that emotions don't just happen to us, we create them. And once we have created them, we can act on them or be acted on them. "You either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them." If I had a dollar for every time I was held hostage by my own emotions, I would be a millionaire. The time that occurs between what we see or hear, and the emotion we feel, is so quick that we think we have no control over the emotion that we feel. But between the two we tell ourselves a story, and that is what we react to. William Shakespeare said, "Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try retracing your path.  Your path has been that you have seen or heard something. You told a story about it. You felt an emotion in response to that story, And then you acted on it. So go backwards. Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you are really doing. Are you in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story and then ask what emotions are encouraging you to act this way. Analyze your stories. Often we create clever stories that make us the victim or helpless, or the other person the villain. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story.  Ask what story is creating these emotions. And then get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. What evidence do you have to support your story?

And finally tell the rest of the story...Are you pretending not to notice your role in the problem? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? What do you really want? What would you do right now if you really wanted these results?

Chapter 7

State my path

How to speak persuasively, not abrasively

When you have a touchy message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:

Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your path to action. Don't share the nasty conclusion you have reached.

Tell your story. Explain what you are beginning to conclude.

Ask for the other person's path. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.

Talk tentatively. State your story as a story--don't disguise it as a fact.

Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

In order to maintain safety when speaking honestly, have confidence, humility and use skill. Have confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. Have confidence that you can speak openly without being rude or causing undue offense. Have humility to be open to what others may have to say back to you, that maybe you can learn something. And use skill. Hopefully you practiced speaking with candor and using safety. That you have thought through what you really want from the conversation.

Sometimes in a crucial conversation we feel that we are right, no doubt about it and we find ourselves just dying to convince others that our way is best.  We push, they resist and then we push back even harder. To avoid this, watch for the moment when people start to resist you. Then back out of your current  attack and think about what you really want for yourself, others and the relationship. Tone down your approach. Avoid monologuing.

Chapter 8

Explore others' paths

How to listen when others blow up or clam up

Dean Rusk said,  

"One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears--by listening to them."

Often we may be ready to talk about an issue, calmly and rationally but the person we want to talk with either blows up or clams up. What then? Well, get ready to listen. Be sincere about it. People know when you are only pretending to be interested or trying to get them to share their thoughts only to lead the conversation toward your agenda.

Be curious. Even if they begin to attack you. Ask yourself, "why is this reasonable person acting this way? What story is moving them to silence or violence? What is behind all the ruckus?" Be patient. Remember they may be under the influence of adrenaline. Encourage them to talk and possibly share their path. How are they acting? What are they feeling? What happened to cause them to feel this way? Listen to their stories. Stay out of the defensive, even though we may be the target of their feelings. 

How do we encourage them to talk about what they're feeling? 

Remember AMPP:

Ask to get things rolling...some good invitations include--

"What's going on?"

"I'd really like to hear your opinion on this."

"Please let me know if you see it differently."

"Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I really want to know your thoughts."

Mirror to confirm feelings...describe how the other person is looking or acting. 

Some good examples include--

"You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset."

"You seem angry at me. 

"You look nervous about confronting him."

Paraphrase to acknowledge the story...rephrase the story the person has told you and do it in a way that suggests that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's safe to talk candidly.

Prime when you're getting nowhere...Sometimes others won't open up, they act as if they would like to, but still may not feel safe. Prime the pump. Give your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling. Either you will hit the nail on the head and they will agree, or you will miss the mark and they will tell you how you are wrong.

But what if they are wrong in their thinking? "To keep ourselves from feeling nervous while exploring another's path--no matter how different or wrong they seem--remember we're trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it. Understanding doesn't equate with agreement...for now we're merely trying to get at what others think in order to understand why they are feeling the way they're feeling and doing what they're doing."

What if you disagree? Remember your ABC's:

Agree. Agree when you do. Maybe there are some things in the discussion you agree with.

Build. If others leave something out, agree where you do, then add elements that were left out of the discussion.

Compare. When you differ significantly, don't suggest others are wrong, suggest that you differ. Compare your two views.

Chapter 9 

Move to action

How to turn crucial conversations into action and results

"Having more meaning in the pool, even jointly owning it, doesn't guarantee that we all agree on what we're going to do with the meaning....(we) often fail to convert the ideas into action for two reasons:

We have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made.

We do a poor job of acting on the decisions we do make.

So the first step is to decide how to decide. Will it be a command decision, a consultation, a vote, or a consensus? And then determine who does what, by when, and how will you follow up? Document all of that. Record the commitments and then follow up. Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

Chapter 10

Putting it all together

Tools for preparing and learning

This chapter talks about the difficulty putting all of this information together, remembering it and putting it into practice. They mention that if you remember only two things, you will be better off. Learn to look  --  continually ask yourself whether you are in or out of dialogue. Are you falling into silence or violence? "They may not know how to fix the specific problem they're facing, but they know if they're not in dialogue, it can't be good. And then they try something to get back to dialogue. As it turns out, trying something is better than doing nothing." The other thing is to remember to keep it safe. The number one cause of the absence of dialogue is lack of safety. "If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine times out of ten you'll intuitively do something that helps. Sometimes you'll build safety by asking a question and showing interest in others' views. Sometimes an appropriate touch (with loved ones and family members --not at work where touching can equate with harassment) can communicate safety. Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief time out can help restore safety..."

The rest of the chapter shows a nice little model of dialogue with everything that was included in the book. Also a table which coaches you through a crucial conversation. It might be useful to copy these and refer to them often to see if we are remembering what we've learned and if we are making any progress.

Chapter 11

Yeah, but

Advice for tough cases

This chapter deals with 17 of the tough cases that people may have to deal with. They state the case, where we are likely to go wrong, and then the solution. This was very helpful, but it would be really great to see it done in real life. Which is what they apparently do on their website. I haven't looked yet, but hope to get around to doing it.

Chapter 12

Change your life

How to turn ideas into habits

The authors talk about the variables that affect our chances at success with our newly learned skills. They are surprise, emotion, and scripts. It is hard to prepare for things that take us by surprise, and which can be heavily laden with emotion on both sides of the conversation. Also we often find ourselves using scripts, which are pre-bundled phrases we use in common conversations. When we use scripts, we are not really thinking. And when we are using scripts it is difficult to pull ourselves out of the routine and try something new.

The authors suggest four principles:

Master the content. Recognise what works and why. Generate new scripts of your own.

Master the skills. "Use your new scripts in a way that is consistent with the supporting principles. You have to be able to say the right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions." I like the story they share about the Vietnam war prisoner who plays golf in his head to keep his sanity. When he gets home, he plays and shoots his best score ever, one under par. His friends are astonished and he explains, "Why shouldn't I have shot under par? I never once shot over par while I was in prison."

Enhance your motive. "You must want to change. Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped." To help our motives we can apply incentives, go public, remember the costs and focus on the rewards, think about things that can help, and schedule crucial conversations when you're feeling confident.

Watch for cues. "To overcome surprise, emotion and scripts, you must recognize the call to action. Old stimuli generate old responses. If a problem doesn't cue your new skills, you'll return to your old habits without even realizing you missed a chance to try something new."

Good luck!

Until next time ;o)