Book # 3

"The Vegetarian Myth : food, justice and sustainability"  by Lierre Kieth.

Thinking about writing this particular post has been stressing me out. Then last night I realized that it is silly to be stressed. Nobody is making me do this, I am doing it because I want to and for my own personal growth and pleasure.

So here we go.

This book had me riveted from the moment I picked it up, to the moment I put it down. Not everyone may feel the same way, it would probably depend on interest level in their personal health and their concern about the health of the world. My interest is high, thus I found the book quite absorbing. But I am not going to summarize the book with as much detail as I did with the last two. This is a book that I want you to be curious about, enough to read it for yourself. It isn't just about vegetarianism.  It is so much more!

The book has 5 chapters plus a useful Appendix, Resources section and Bibliography. The three main chapters are based on the premise that vegetarians have basically three different reasons for becoming vegetarian. Moral reasons, political reasons and nutritional reasons. Although I have read books that argue the case for moral or political vegetarianism, and I have vague feelings toward these issues, my main reason for being vegetarian was for nutritional purposes.

Chapter one is titled, "Why this book?" It is a fairly short chapter in which the author tells why she wrote the book. Lierre Kieth was a vegan for 20 years. The reasons that compelled her as young woman to embrace such an extreme philosophy were "justice, compassion, a desperate and all-encompassing longing to set the world right. To save the planet....to protect the vulnerable, the voiceless. To feed the hungry. At the very least to refrain from participating in the horror of factory farming." She is no longer a vegan, not even a vegetarian. She said that  "this book was written to further those passions...It is not an attempt to mock the concept of animal rights or to sneer at the people who want a gentler world...those longings for compassion, for sustainability, for an equitable distribution of resources are not served by the philosophy or practice of vegetarianism." She then briefly describes how her many years of vegan-ism wrecked havoc upon her body. And then she drops a bomb. Factory farming has only been around, for about the last 50-60 years. Yet agriculture, which is devastating the planet, has been around for multiple millennia.  Agriculture? What the...?? Who ever thought that agriculture could be a bad thing?

In Chapter two, "Moral Vegetarians",  Ms Kieth lays out the moral issues that drive many vegetarians. They do not want to be part of the killing of sentient beings. Her discussion on sentient beings is at times amusing, and at others, eye opening. She argues that if you aren't going to eat anything that shows intelligence, then what are you going to eat? She describes the many ways that plants survive and thrive. "Plants produce millions of chemicals to attract, repel, immobilize, or kill animals....it's how they fight back...just because they can't locomote doesn't mean they're passive. And every so often in the evolutionary crapshoot, one of them throws the gene dice and beats the house, producing a perfect match with the pleasure centers in the human brain." Anyone ever hear of cocoa and coffee beans? Wheat? Sugar Cane? She quotes Michael Pollan, the author of "The Omnivore's Dilemma"...."Our grammar might teach us to divide the world into active subjects and passive objects, but in a co-evolutionary relationship every subject is also an object, every object a subject. That's why it makes just as much sense to think of agriculture as something the grasses did to people as a way to conquer the trees." Interesting thought.

She is quite serious about agriculture being a major force of destruction in the world. She spoke about the soil and how it is alive with millions of micro-organisms, many of which are destroyed with our non-sustainable methods of farming.  She said that most of the world started out as a poly-culture; many species living in one area. Man comes along, picks a piece of forest, rips or burns everything out of his way and plants a monoculture. And plants it over and over again, until the soil is dead. "Agriculture is like ethnic cleansing, wiping out the indigenous dwellers so the invaders can take the land....In the history of civilization...the plowshare has been far more destructive than the sword."

Her basic argument against moral vegetarians is in order "for someone to live, someone else has to die" and besides in the big circle of life, we all have to die sometime. And over the years that she fought the battle with herself, she learned more and more about how the world really was, and she finally asked herself, "Where was I going to draw the line? That was the question, my personal, political, spiritual agony. Mammals, fish, insects, plants, plankton, bacteria? Was the least of us going to be an "us"? And if "what" became "who," then what would be left to eat? I have my answer, finally. I'm not going to draw a line. I'm going to draw a circle."

Chapter Three is titled "Political Vegetarians" and is for those who eat vegetarian in order that they may feed the hungry, based on the belief that agriculture is more earth friendly than factory farming. That you can feed more people, more nutritiously, and using less resources by growing plants, than you can by raising animals. She presents a boatload of evidence that would suggest otherwise. It is worth reading and thinking about. I read John Robbins book, "Diet For a New America" many years ago and believed everything he wrote. And it is true that factory farming is inhumane and disease inducing, but there is more to the issue than just saying it is better to grow grain to feed humans, than to grow grain to feed animals, which then feed man.  Much more!

Chapter four is "Nutritional Vegetarians". I struggled with this one. I don't know if I agree with everything she presented. She believes we are more like a carnivore physiologically than an herbivore. While it is true that we are not built like a cow, horse, or deer; we are also not built like a mountain lion. But I must admit, she presented a lot of information that was thought provoking. Like, the fact that many researchers have manipulated the data to make it look like animal products are the biggest contributor to the increased cases of cancer and heart disease in our society. Like, many of the cheap crops grown today and pushed upon us as healthy, are really anything but that. Like, at the same time that we started being bigger meat eaters, we also began to eat more refined carbohydrates, so couldn't they be just as responsible for our ill health?

The last chapter is titled, "To Save the World".  It is obvious to me that Ms Kieth is a very passionate person. All throughout this book, she has thrown in a lot of information about slavery, war, power, corruption, abuse, and all the "isms" that have ruled and reigned with blood and horror on the earth. Ever since she was a young teen she has sought for a better world. It sounds as if she has spent her life searching for answers. I had to chuckle at times because there were a few similarities between her life and mine, such as when she considered becoming breatharian, which has been a very attractive impossibility to me. She says, "I'm going to assume that you know our planet is in trouble. Maybe you mostly turn from the depths of that knowledge, afraid of its emotional acid. Or maybe you live with it like barbed wire tightening around your heart. The promise of personal solutions can ease both denial and despair: most of us are a mixture of those. So if you need your personal fix, here are the three most effective things you can do; Refrain from having children, Stop driving a car, Grow your own food.

My thoughts were that she is evidently not a religious Mormon or a Catholic, has never heard of the Word of Wisdom, has property where she can raise food and animals, and either rides her bike considerable distances, or else lives the life of a hermit. Or maybe she is like many environmentalists who toot their horns at the rest of us, and then fly home in their Leer jet. 

I really don't know.

But what I do know, is that she has given me a lot to think about.

I am thinking about adding a little meat to our diet. Not hot dogs certainly, but meat as natural as I can get it. And then we will see how we feel.

I am thinking about how I can grow my garden differently from now on. This one really excites me! Just today I took my kids on a home school field trip to a local company called Liquidry. They take raw materials, such as grasses, fruits and vegetables, juice them, then dry them using a healthier method to preserve the vitamins and minerals. They sell the finished product to customers all over the world. But of course, I wanted to know what do they do with the pulp left over after they have juiced the product. I learned that they sell it to farmers to feed animals and to spread on their fields. I want some of that!

I am thinking about how often I drive my tank, when I could walk, should walk. How I often go places by myself, like the temple, when I could carpool, just because I want to be by myself or do only what I want. 

I am thinking about all those things I throw away because I am too lazy to fix them, clean them, recycle them or compost them. 

I am thinking that I shouldn't stop seeking for knowledge, even when I think I have all the answers about a particular subject. I think I could even learn from those that I don't particularly agree with.

Until next time..... ;o)

Prologue to Book # 3

My explanation of why this book was so significant to me, is going to be long and personal. Some of you may not want to hear about my personal reasons for for reading this book and why it was such a mind bender for me. So just skip it.

Approximately 23 years ago, my older sister recommended that I read a book called "Fit For Life" by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. I have no doubt that book changed my life. I began an exploration to find true health. Does it exist in our world? What are the parameters of achieving it if it does? I met Adam shortly after and when we married, he eagerly jumped on the wagon and we began our adventure. It was a struggle. It was conflicting and confusing. Everyone was an expert and everyone had a different opinion. But we found something that we thought was the truth and we attempted to live it. We became vegetarian, we gave up sugar, and at times we ate all raw foods. We seemed healthy. We felt really good! 

 These explorations led to others. Namely, building our own little house off the grid on 13 acres out in the middle of nowhere. We had a well, solar power, a septic system, a wood stove, a garden and a compost pile. We had chickens, rabbits, even pigs at one time. (but not for food, for pest control and manure!) We believed in home birth and home school. No TV, video games or computers. We had time and space for our little family to grow and flourish. We stuck to the diet as well as we could. We struggled with social issues, family pressures and cravings. But we felt it was right. And we felt good. Isn't that health?

And then the worst happened. Adam died. Killed in a car accident 3 days before his 39th birthday. Young, fit and healthy. And without my partner, my anchor, I caved. I was a coward. I put the boys in school, I bought a PS2, we ate the standard American diet. My baby grew up on McDonalds and was sick all the time. I ballooned and was depressed. I knew what was sane, for me, but I couldn't do it. Don't you know that ignorance is bliss? I wanted to be ignorant! I wanted to be like everyone else. To eat what I wanted and the consequences be damned!

But then two things happened. First, I found out I had the mutated breast and ovarian cancer gene. That supposedly means that I have a higher chance of getting one of those cancers. I am not one who worries about such things and I don't belong to the worship-the-medical-profession fan club. But what if they were right? Shouldn't I take better care of myself? Besides, if I went back to my old lifestyle, it would be a good excuse to keep people off my back.

But the other thing was bigger. One day my teenage son came home from school with a bunch of his friends. I said hello in the living room before they went upstairs. Then I went into my bedroom and happened to look in the full length mirror and felt humiliated. If I were a teenage boy and had me for a mother, I would be embarrassed to bring my friends home. It wasn't just that I was fat, it was my short, ugly hair, no makeup, my nerdy glasses, my dumpy clothing. I could do better than this! And so I did. I did what Adam taught me. You make up your mind what you want and then you just do it.

It took me between 4 and 5 years to lose 25 solid staying-off-for-good pounds. I did that by exercise and giving up chocolate. I got lasik surgery on my eyes, I colored and grew out my hair, I bought better clothing. Unfortunately with better confidence, came the desire to date. And when I met my now ex-husband, he reminded me of all the things that Adam and I had been trying to do. So with the exterior motivation of a budding romance, it only took me another year to lose 25 more pounds. I felt better than I had since 1993 and I weighed less than I did in high school, but I only felt better physically. Emotionally I was a wreck. I married a man who I shouldn't have even considered and I felt trapped. But I wasn't! All I had to do was open the cage door and step out. So, after nine long, truly absurd months, I did. And once he was gone, I felt safe to continue my exploration.

The first thing I wanted to investigate was a book that my sister recommended, and yes, it was that same sister. It was at a family picnic last fall. My ex wasn't there and so I'm sure she felt more comfortable bringing it up. The book is called "The Vegetarian Myth". At first I was offended. She knew I was a vegan. Heck if I didn't bring corn on the cob from my garden to roast, while everyone else had their steak and hot dogs! But I knew this sister had been on a similar journey the last 23 years and she wouldn't have brought it up unless she thought it was important. But how do you read a book on vegetarianism when you live with the "Thought Police(man)" who is obsessed with health? You don't.

After the D was final, one of the first things I did was buy that book. But I was scared to read it. What would it say? Would it tell me that all my years of deprivation was for naught? Would it cause me guilt for teaching and feeding my children incorrectly all these years? Would it be compelling enough for me to change my mind, my habits and my life again?

Tune in next time to find out. ;o)

Book #2

Ready for another?

“Mission For Mother: Guiding The Child” by G. Hugh Allred.

Okay, I am cheating on this one. I read this book at the end of last year. But I am behind and want to keep up with my goal. I realize that there are times during the year that I may be unable to read a book a week and don't achieve my goal 100%. But I don't want to start out behind. Besides, the second book I am reading is kicking my butt. Just wait until you hear about it! Anyways, this book is an older book, published in 1968 by Bookcraft. I have a 6 year old that is giving me a run for my money and so I thought it might be worth reading.

Chapter 1 lists mother's objectives, or rather what the author thinks her objectives should be. I agree with him in general.

1. Love for God. – A deep, reverential feeling and love for God.
2. Self-Respect and self-acceptance. – An acceptance and respect for the self, both as it is and as it can become.
3. Compassion for the whole of mankind. – A feeling of respect, kinship, and compassion for mankind.
4. Honesty. – Honesty in their dealings with their fellowmen and with themselves.
5. Reality. – The courage to see life realistically, the evil as well as the good.
6. Courage to progress continually. – The courage and strength for continued growth through a commitment to the principle of repentance.
7. Self-Reliance. – Self reliance and the ability to be relatively independent of their fellow-men, having lives based on principles, not people.
8. Efficiency in solving problems. – A concern with the relevant problems of life rather than the inconsequential tasks that dissipate energy and result in little being accomplished.
9. Openness. – Openness, which enables them to appreciate nature, people, and the meaningful experiences which they have.
10. Moderation in all things. – Sensitivity to a balance in all things and the ability to moderate their lives in such a manner that they can effectively accomplish those tasks what are necessary for successful living.

Chapter 2 deals with the psychology of behavior. “A Child's behavior is purposeful. In order for mother to understand her child she must understand what purpose or goal the child is striving for when he misbehaves. Misbehavior cannot be effectively dealt with unless the one who is attempting to correct it understands the child's goal.”

It goes on to describe that the child's basic need is to belong, “to find a secure place with those people important to him. Mother's influence is unique, for she is generally the most significant person in the young child's life.”

Then the chapter deals with the different factors that influence a child and his behavior. Those factors are:

Past history

Biological Characteristics

Free will, choice and Creativity

Life style

Social interest

Order of Birth

Maladjustment

And then at the end of the chapter it briefly describes the A B C D goals of misbehavior:

A. To get Attention – to keep mother busy with him

B. To Boss mother – to have power over her.

C To Counterhurt – hurt mother because he feels he has been hurt, get revenge.

D. To appear Disabled – get mother to assume this.

Chapter 3 explains that parenthood has a religious foundation. “The purpose of this chapter is to help mother clarify those religious principles that have important bearings on the understanding and techniques she uses in training and disciplining her children.” Sections in the chapter are “Who is Man, Purposes of Human existence, The fundamental principle: Free Agency, Man's responsibility to himself, and Responsibility of Parenthood.” The author sums up that chapter with, “basically the challenge of motherhood is to provide the atmosphere and training for children that will enable them to return to their father in heaven as rightful heirs to their birthright, which is eternal (God-like) life. All very important information but I was ready to get on to the real meat of the matter. How do you do it?

Chapter 4 is titled “Principles for Attaining the Objectives.” Not a very stimulating title, but it got more exciting, by talking about giving your child choices at the earliest possible opportunity. “Johnnie, would you like to stop crying or would you like to take your crying to your bedroom?” Now why didn't I ever think of that? “By allowing and encouraging the child to make choices, mother respects the free agency of the child and encourages him to be responsible for his own behavior”. The chapter then proceeds onward with “Stimulate independence, Stimulate Courageousness, Train for Cooperation, not competition, Respect the child, Train the child to respect the rights of others, Train the child to respect order. I don't know about you but that last little bit about order sets off a little red flare in my brain. But as the section continues, it settled me down. It said, “This does not mean, however, that once a routine is established it is maintained rigidly regardless of the consequences.... A certain amount of order and predictability in the world makes it possible for people to be secure and productive....Rules and regulations, order and routine should be for the benefit of the individual and society. They should not be a prison. They should be seen as devices that give security and free the individual for more meaningful endeavors.”

The chapter continues with practical principles in successful child rearing. 

Now this was what I was waiting for!

First and the most helpful for me with my current challenging child. 

“Train the child when the relationship is good.”

Oh my heavens! You mean all that time I spent yelling at my son while he was throwing a tantrum on the floor wasn't doing any good?” No wonder things didn't get any better. Since reading this little tidbit of information, I have been waiting to talk about things that were bothering me about my son, to times when we were snuggled up together, or had just gotten finished wrestling, or playing a game. When I do, he looks at me calmly and acts as if he understands and then later I KNOW that he understood because he has attempted to do what I asked him to do. Wow! A parenting idea that actually works!

Next Principle: “When requests are made, make them reasonable and sparse.” Hmmm. Does that mean we only get to ask a child to clean his room only once a month, instead of every day? “Continual demanding by mother produces frustration and conflicts between herself and her child. It also tends to produce a dependent adult.” Okay. Not sure I get that one totally but I prefer not to nag my kids, especially when they are teens. I guess the modern definition of this principle would be “Pick your battles.”

Next Principle: Play down bad habits. Also minimize the mistakes made by both the child and yourself. Well, I can see that making an issue of my son cracking his knuckles has not changed the habit, so I will try ignoring it and see if that works. And when one of my children has made a mistake, I often start to jump all over them but then I catch myself and tell them its no big deal, blah, blah, blah. Do you think they believe me?

Next Principle: Pity has many pitfalls. This is geared towards parents of children suffering from a mental or physical handicap. But all children at one time or another try to manipulate their parent into feeling sorry for them in order to get out of a tough spot. Mother should show respect for the child's ability to grow and develop. Encouraging words like, “I know you can do it, I have confidence in you.” should be expressed to the child. I remember receiving an email not too long ago about a family who adopted a child from south America. The boy had no arms or legs. It was an amazing story and a perfect example of how a parent can encourage a child to grow and develop to their full potential. I've included the link here.

http://www.b-roll.net/tv/view_video.php?viewkey=dc2a6340e258630febd5&page=1&viewtype=&category=tf

Next Principle: Don't be panicked by fears. This is a hard one. We mothers are hard wired for empathy. How can we not respond to our children when they are scared? 

“By being impressed and concerned by the child's fears, Mother rewards fear.” 

The book recommends that we say, 

“I understand how you feel, but I know you will get over it.” 

Okay, sure they will. Oh, and try saying it in a calm, matter of fact manner..... 

Then get out the night light.

Then it makes some important points.

Pay attention to your tone of voice, facial expressions, and gestures. After I read this, I began to notice that, as patient as I try to be (act) while I am helping my son with his reading, I often roll my eyes and my facial expressions surely must reveal that I am feeling anything but patient.

Be consistent — follow through with what you say and mean. In other words be careful what you say. Don't say anything that you won't actually do. 

No more, “get over here before I kick your behind to China.”

Watch your pleasing – be courageous enough to say no. “It is suggested by some that one of the greatest problems in American society is that of the pampered child.” When was this book written? In 1968. I wonder if this author is still alive to see the youth now? The youth that walk around in designer clothing, with a cell phone in one hand, and an iPod in the other. Driven to school, or better yet, drives his own car, bought, insured and maintained by mommy and daddy. They play sports, take lessons, play video games, have their own room and TV. They hang out with their friends, have no curfew and are seldom seen by their family. “Sometimes a child will test Mother and, in his own illogical way, feel that if Mother does not say no she does not really love him. Many teenagers seen by psychologists feel that their mothers don't love them.” Once one of my older sons was complaining about his curfew. He whined that his friend didn't have a curfew. I told him, “That only means that his mother doesn't love him as much as I love you.”

Keep social pressures and all needs for prestige from interfering. This begins when we take our toddlers to the grocery store and they begin to scream because we wont get them their favorite kind of cereal. When other shoppers give us a dirty look for the awful noise our child is making, we give in to shut them up. My youngest sister recently told me about being in the store with her twin 4 year old daughters. They started making “that awful noise” and a nearby shopper gave her “the glare” and put her hands over her ears. My sister, bless her outspoken self said, “What's the problem? Kids scream. Deal with it.” And after the grocery store and wanting our child to be the best behaved, it moves on to wanting our child to be the best reader, athlete, dancer, student, etc and the pressure is on. Before you know it we aspire for them to be doctors, lawyers, movie stars and star athletes. Maybe even the president of the United States. When all our child really wants to be is a carpenter, teacher, hair dresser or professional snow boarder!

The last part of the chapter gives us the “Basic Approach to Misbehavior.” Mothers shouldn't feed their child's misbehaving goals. If the child is acting out to get attention, mother should ignore the child. If he is acting up to boss her and exert power over her, mother should sidestep the power struggle. If the child is trying to counter-hurt or get revenge, mother should not act hurt and avoid the struggle. And if her child is acting disabled, mother should not give up on the child and encourage him to try.

There is other advice, like choosing natural and logical consequences in disciplining your child, set limitations, and quit talking and act. Be firm with yourself, do not allow yourself to be manipulated by the child. Avoid punishment (which the author describes as physical or verbal retaliation) and use caution in rewarding. Withdrawal from the child can be effective. That reminded me of reading “The Great Brain” series of children books, by John D. Fitzgerald. If you haven't ever read them to your kids, you should. They are pretty fun. It is based on the author's childhood, growing up in Southern Utah in the late 1800's. He said that his parents had the worst form of punishment ever invented. They would give them the silent treatment. He always said that other kids were lucky because they got a whipping when they misbehaved and got it over with. 

The end of the chapter suggests having enjoyable family times together and having family councils. I know that fun activities, and therefore fun memories, have gone a long way to build relationships with my sons, which in turn seems to help us through the tough times.

Chapter 5 is Applying the Principles.

This chapter starts by discussing how children learn and things to remember while training them. It talks about important characteristics for a mother to have as her child's teacher. Such as, warm, well-organized, flexible, consistent... An interesting part of the chapter focused on establishing identity and worth as a person. Mother should never praise or admire the child for his good looks, but should praise and admire his accomplishments. Mother should help her child become aware of his feelings and accepts whatever feeling the child expresses. It discusses each phase that a child goes through, nursing, weaning, walking, play, toilet training, social skills, communication, playmates, sharing, chores, independence, dressing, eating, getting up, tidiness, self-discipline, sexual roles, giving and accepting affection, belief in God, curiosity, initiative, creativity, bedtime, adding another baby, talents, school and homework, dealing with death and the handicapped. Whew! If we ever thought deeply about the involvement of parenting before we actually became parents, would we actually go through with it?

Chapter 6 is Correcting the Misbehavior. This is an in depth look on what the child's goal is and how mother should respond. The author says, “All children misbehave. Mother's reactions to the child when he is misbehaving determine, in large measure, whether or not the misbehavior becomes more deeply embedded in his behavior repertoire or is discarded in favor of more positive, constructive behavior.” The chapter quickly reviews the four goals of misbehavior. Then it gives 107 pages of specific misbehaviors of children and analyzes what a mother should do. I'm sure you could find something that is similar to what your little darlings are up to. I found it amusing, that as I was reading the analysis of some of the misbehaviors, that I could see where my husband's mother did not nip his naughtiness in the bud when she had the chance. And then I had to wonder what deeply embedded behaviors of my children will drive their wives crazy.

The end of the chapter cautions that “as mother starts responding differently to her misbehaving child, he will often get worse before he gets better. Yeah, have fun with that...

Chapter 7 is a review of the DO's and DON'TS . It is the principles discussed in the book as they might be summarized through the eyes of your child. Here are a few of my favorite.

#4. Realize that one of the best ways for me to correct my misbehaviors is for you to change the way you respond to them.

#9. Watch your tone of voice. It tells me so much more about what you are feeling and thinking about me than the words you use.

#18. Realize that I learn best those things I want to learn.

#28. Apologize to me when you are in the wrong. I will feel warmer toward you and it will set a good example for me to follow.

#50. Stick with me if I ever get into real trouble. Let me know you are with me, but let me work myself out of the jam rather than you doing it for me.

There are 80 of them and they are thought provoking. Kind makes me want to start all over again so that I can do it right. Ha Ha! Just kidding.

Chapter 8 has 6 steps to Getting started. Step one is taking a little examination in the book that checks your knowledge and attitude. Step 2 asks you to take time to observe other parents as they interact with their children and suggests some questions you might ask yourself as you observe. Step 3 is to observe your own behavior with your children for 2 days and step 4 is writing out your observations, using the same questions you used when observing others. Step 5 is to find other parents who are interested in improving their relationships with their children, to associate with. And step 6 would be to visit some family education centers. Sometimes local colleges or community mental health center, hold parenting classes that you could attend.

Then end of the chapter gives you a guide in encouraging your child. “As you begin to work at changing the behavior of your child, it is important that you remember that his level of courage must be fairly high to facilitate his risking change. Just as it will take courage for you to change your behavior with him, it will require courage of him.” I have given a shorten version of the guidelines given for encouraging him.

1. The child must have many more experiences with success than failure.
2. Mother must value the child as he is.
3. Mother must have faith in the child and his ability.
4. Give recognition for effort, as well as for a job well done.
5. Utilize the whole family to provide opportunities for the child to grow and develop.
6. Emphasize cooperation in the family.
7. Emphasize the child's assets and strengths rather than his bad habits and weaknesses.
8. The child will be encouraged if he knows that mother understands him, that she can see through his eyes. Also he will be encouraged when mother uses his interests rather than her own for stimulating his growth.

In summary the author states, “Mother, you have one of the most stimulating, responsible and worthwhile professions ever entrusted to mankind...” I agree with that. Not every day, of course, but most days. If I can just get my youngest raised without strangling him (and without my future daughter-in-law wanting to strangle me!) I will be happy.

So there you go. Hope you weren't bored stiff. See you later. ;o)

Book # 1

Okay. Here we go.
"Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phillip C. McGraw.
You know the guy. Dr. Phil from Oprah fame. Some love him, some hate him, my brother thinks he's annoying, one sister thinks he's wonderful. Personally I don't have much of an opinion about him. I don't watch TV, so I've never seen him in action. The only exposure I have had with him is reading this book, and a friend telling me about something he said on his show. My ex used to often say to me, "Why do you always have to argue with me?"  I was telling this friend about that and she said, "you know Dr. Phil had someone on his show who said that his wife always argued with him. To which Dr. Phil replied, "What are you always saying to your wife that makes her need to argue with you?" Which made me instantly like Dr. Phil because I felt like he understood.

You need to know something about me, I just got a divorce. It was final 2 weeks ago today. I would not have chosen to read this book, however I promised to read it under duress. My ex, when he came to sign the divorce papers made me promise to read it. He wouldn't shut up about it. I finally promised to read it in order to get him to stop. Of course, he still didn't stop, and even had me write down on a piece of paper that I would read it and then he had me sign it and have it notarized the same time as we got the divorce papers notarized. Silly. As if he would have any legal way to force me to read the book. I know that he thought if I read it I would take him back. So I suppose I read it just to prove him wrong. But also, because I promised. I do not take a promise lightly. And I had just broken a big one....to love, honor and cherish; through richer and poorer, through sickness and health, through good times and 9 months of emotional torture.... I suppose keeping this promise eased my conscience a little.

Dr. Phil begins with a prologue that tells you he is going to help you reconnect with your core. He is going to help you clean house inside yourself  first. I liked it when he wrote, "if you are in a relationship that has gone awry, a relationship that is laced with pain, confusion, or emptiness, then by definition I know that you have lost touch with your own personal power, your own dignity, your own standards, and your own self-esteem. You've allowed yourself to accommodate pain and disappointment and self-destructive attitudes. You have rationalized away many of your hopes and dreams, you've settled for so many things you did not want, you've allowed apathy to settle in, and along the way you've probably let your partner mistreat you over the years. But most important, you have mistreated yourself. You've blamed your partner or other circumstances for your place in life rather than making the effort to find the true answers within you. You've lost touch with that part of you that I call your core of consciousness--that place where you are absolutely defined, the place within you where your greatest strengths, instincts, values, talents and wisdom are centered...." Right on, Dr. Phil! But why do we let ourselves get lost like that?

His first chapter talks about how most therapists have it wrong and so if you have been going to counseling you might have come away confused. How our society has it wrong. We see fairy tale movies on the big screen and they are a very distorted version of reality. He talks about how you have to fix yourself first, your attitudes, beliefs, and ideas about marriage. Then he asks the questions that help you determine whether you are ready for his help. Frankly, I was waaaaay past his help.

In chapter 2 he helps you to define the problems. He has you finish some short sentences, like: "I am happiest when___" and "I hate it when___" There are 42 of them and when you have completed them, you then answer questions based on those 42 sentences. First one said, "Look at your response to items 4, 6, 7, .... What do these answers tell you about anger in your life and relationship? Write a 2 paragraph answer in your journal." Then he has you answer 62 true and false questions which profile your relationship health. If your score is above 32, it is likely your relationship is in extreme danger of failing. My score was 42. (That score, I imagine means the corpse is dead and cold.) It runs you through a few more exercises that help you define some specific feelings and problems regarding the relationship. He has you profile the relationship behavior of your partner and yourself individually. Questions like, "List and describe your partners best qualities" List five things which you have asked or scolded or nagged your partner to correct or improve, but which your partner has not corrected or improved."  He has you profile your communication, your lifestyle and your chemistry. And lastly he asks five tough questions that you need to ask yourself to see just how close you are to the danger line of a failed marriage. One question was, "Knowing what you do now about your relationship, would you still get involved with the same person if you had to do it over again? Why?"

In chapter 3, he "blows up" the relationship myths. Which are as follows;
1.   A great relationship depends on a great meeting of the minds.
2.   A great relationship demands a great romance.
3.   A great relationship requires great problem-solving.
4.   A great relationship requires common interests that bond you together forever.
5.   A great relationship is a peaceful one.
6.   A great relationship lets you vent all your feelings.
7.   A great relationship has nothing to do with sex.
8.   A great relationship cannot survive a flawed partner.
9.   There is a right way and a wrong way to make a relationship great.
10. Your relationship can only become great when you get your partner straightened
        out.

Having been married to an imperfect, yet wonderful man for 14 years, I already knew most of that. My ex however, suffered under the delusion that most of those were true. Thus the struggle. Anyway, my favorite part in this chapter was when Dr. Phil was talking about myth #4. He wrote, "You've no doubt attempted some major project with your partner as well, thinking it would make the two of you closer. I'll never forget a woman friend of mine who tried fly fishing one morning with her husband. After an hour of listening to him complain to her about how she wasn't standing in the right place or casting to the correct part of the river, she dropped her rod and said, "It's six a.m., it's cold, you're rude, and I'm going home. In case you haven't heard, you can buy fish at the supermarket in the middle of the afternoon." I laughed out loud at the one, yet I felt sad too, knowing that if only I had spoken out in the beginning, my relationship either would have fizzled out before getting to marriage, or it would have been better in the marriage. I know I made mistakes too. My biggest one being that I didn't address some major issues before we got married.


Chapter 4 focuses on eliminating your bad spirit. He defines the different bad spirits we carry around in our relationships.
1.   You're a scorekeeper.
2.   You're a fault finder.
3.   You think it's your way or the highway.
4.   You turn into an attack dog.

5.   You are a passive warmonger.

6.   You resort to smoke and mirrors. (you make issues out of things which really
       don't matter, instead of focusing on what is really bothering you)

7.   You will not forgive.

8.   You are the bottomless pit. (needy, needy, needy!)

9.   You are too comfortable.
10. You've given up.

Chapter 5 asks you to reclaim your core and defines personal relationship values, which are:
1.   Own your relationship
2.   Accept the risk of vulnerability.
3.   Accept your partner.
4.   Focus on the friendship.
5.   Promote your partner's self-esteem.

6.   Aim your frustrations in the right direction.

7.   Be up front and forthright.

8.   Make yourself happy rather than right.

9.   Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.

10. Put motion into your emotion.

Chapter 6 reveals the formula for success. I'm sure you are just dying to know what Dr. Phil's magic solution is. I know I was. My ex was so excited about this program. He wrote pages and pages in a notebook to try to figure out our relationship and how to save it. Unfortunately, it was already dead. No resuscitation potential. I don't feel I am being dramatic. I had come to the conclusion that this relationship was a mistake. I made a mistake in getting married. I wanted to be married. I wanted my sons to have a father figure. There was chemistry. We had some major lifestyle ideologies that were the same. He made me laugh...in the beginning. But in the end, I realized that there are some things worse than being alone. 

So the magic formula for relationship success is:  (insert drum roll here...) The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved. To make this formula work in your life, you've got two important jobs to complete. Make your needs known and discover the needs of your partner. He then works you through some assignments where you describe your needs and then attempt to discover your partner's needs. This is very complex and intensive and will take some time to accomplish, but I could see that in a relationship that is making an honest attempt to first survive and then become great, how it would be beneficial, however difficult.

Chapter 7 describes how you can reconnect with your partner. Dr. Phil understands that you, the reader, may be in one of three scenarios; One: working with a willing partner, who has been reading the book with you and participating in the assignments. Two: A partner who has not read the book, yet is willing to work with you. Or Three: a partner who is not willing. He then gives the reader who is in the third scenario a strategy for getting that partner to cooperate.

1.   Open the reconnection dialogue.

2.   Describe your work.

3.   Describe working back to your core.

4.   Talk about the myths.

5.   Explain bad spirit

6.   Introduce personal relationship values.

7.   Share the formula for success.

8.   Share partner profile.

9.   Clarify partner needs.

10. Share personal profile.

Of course this must be quite casual, even a covert operation with a partner who is unwilling. He even gives an example of what you might say to an unwilling partner to start the dialoge. It was somewhat amusing to me to read this part because I recognized my ex's similar attempts after I had asked for a divorce. Not to make light of his genuine attempt, but because of my realization that those letters he wrote were not his own original ideas and feelings. And I had been impressed with his sudden eloquence.

The final part of this chapter shared some do's and don't as you try to deal with your partner during this important phase. 

DO: Be patient, Be humble, Be accountable, Be strong, Be specific, Be totally open, and Use "I" statements.

DON'T: Push too hard, Come across as a know-it-all, Be judgmental, Take the bait if provoked, Be mysterious, Hide anything, Use your partner as a bad example. 

As for Chapter 8, had I actually worked through it with my ex, it would have been my worst nightmare. My ex, uhg! would have loved it! It is titled, "Fourteen days of loving with honesty." Dr. Phil is adamant about following this part of the program to the letter. He gives you a morning assignment and an evening assignment. The morning assignments would have been fairly easy for me, as I am an action oriented person. In the evening you are to eliminate all distractions, sit in chairs facing each other, so that you are knee to knee, and make eye contact for 2 silent minutes. Then for 14 consecutive nights you tackle different topics, discussed in a very strict manner. 

Example: Partner A: "I chose you as the person with whom I would form an intimate relationship because____" Then you fill in the blank for three minutes, no more, no less. Then Partner B says, "Thank you for caring enough to share, and I promise to weigh it carefully." Then partner B shares in the same manner about the same topic. Several topics are discussed each night and then you stand up and share a 30 second hug. Not all of it would have been bad for me and I can see the value in the exercise, but I don't share my innermost feelings easily and this exercise would have been difficult for me, especially considering the level of trust I had for my ex at the time. 

Chapter 9 alerts us to the fact that relationships are managed, not cured. Dr. Phil walks you through priority management, behavior managment, goals management, difference management and admiration management.  Which was a very helpful chapter in that it dealt with specifics that we often forget about in our day to day lives, or because the conflict gets too intense. 

Chapter 10 is titled "The Doctor is in". He acknowledges that sometimes couples need some help with some fine tuning and specific issues. So he very helpfully answers some questions that he has heard over and over throughout his years of practice. One of the questions was about arguing and I found his rules of arguing very good, yet sometimes aggravatingly impossible to follow. 

Rule 1.  Take it private and keep it private.

Rule 2.  Keep it relevant.

Rule 3. Avoid character assassination.

Rule 4. Remain task oriented.

Rule 5. Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.

Rule 6. Be proportional in your intensity.

His conclusion was personal letters from him to his female readers and to his male readers, separately. And then his final word is about how we should give ourselves "permission--in fact, demand of yourself--to go forward with hope, optimism, and unbridled passion. Don't be afraid to admit that you want it, and don't be afraid to get excited about having it. Living, loving and laughing are as healthy and natural as anything you could ever do. I believe it is part of God's plan for this world. The only reason more people don't do it is because we, in our infinite wisdom, decided to "fix" the plan...."

So, there you have it. A good book, if that's what you need. I would have liked to apply some of it, maybe all of it to my marriage of 14 years to my first husband, who passed away 7 years ago in an auto accident. Our relationship didn't need rescuing, yet our relationship could have been a little deeper and a little more understanding. We both liked to keep our deepest feelings to ourselves. I don't think that it was because we didn't trust each other, but that it was just in our natures to be private. Yet, now that he is gone, I long to understand him better. To feel closer to him. To feel like we shared more than just a bed, a home, a life and 5 lively boys. Regrets. 

And for you my friendly reader, I hope that this was helpful and that somehow you work through your life so that you have fewer regrets. If you need to leave, leave.
But if you stay, then love your partner. Every day. Kiss them goodbye when they leave and kiss them hello when you see them again. Make their happiness as important as your own. Forgive and forget. Laugh. Make more good memories than bad ones.
And that is my magic formula. 

See you later. ;o)

Brainstorm!

I woke up this morning to a brainstorm.

Actually I have been pondering this blog page since I opened it up last week. I have been inspired by others who have amazing blogs and I wanted to feel like I could do something that said something about me, as well. Mind you, this is an uncomfortable task, as I have a dual personality. Part of me is social, outgoing, aggressive, a showoff who wants to make her mark on the world. But the other part of me is a recluse, shy, timid, and very much inclined to keep her private thoughts to herself. A bit of a conflict.

I've always wanted to be a writer. As a child I enjoyed reading so much that it only seemed natural to want what to do what others had done; to bring my thoughts, ideas and imagination to life. I remember hearing the theme music from Star Wars for the first time as a pre-teen and writing what appeared in my imagination in response to that exhilarating music. Never mind that it didn't have anything to do with Space or Wars or anything similar to the movie. Of course, once I saw the movie, the whole picture changed, but until I did see it, I was writing a story about a rare white stag that is befriended and tamed by a boy who lives near the forest. Funny to think of it now. But my older sister Julia discovered the story and commented. It was a vague, positive comment, but still the attention embarrassed me and I threw the story away.

As a teen, I took a writing class in High School. My teacher, Ms Van was a good friend and mentor. We had an a huge assignment to read books based on a certain philosophy and write a paper on it. I don't remember the details, but the books I read were most of Ayn Rand's works, "1984" by George Orwell and a few others that I can't remember. Just reading "Atlas Shrugged" was a monumental accomplishment, but I devoured it and the others as well. I got an A on the paper and a life long appreciation of my teacher who encouraged me all through the process.

I've written in my journal ever since I was 14 years old. Sometimes regularly, sometimes not. But once on a flight to Utah from Connecticut, where I worked as a nanny at age 19, I wrote for several hours straight. The man sitting next to me commented that I should be a writer, since I obviously had the persistence and desire to do so. That has always stayed with me. Yet, like many people with dreams, I lacked the extra dedication to make my dream a reality.

I took writing classes in college. I took a persuasive writing class my second year, and on the first day we were given an essay to write during class. We were told that if we scored high enough, we would get an A in the class and not have to attend the rest of the semester. Pretty good incentive to do your best, eh? The subject was: If a child is failing in school, should that child be held back to repeat that year, or be allowed to move on to the next grade? I worked like mad and handed it in at the end of the class. At the next class, I arrived late. The teacher was handing out the essays and as he saw me walk in, he said, "Ahhh, this is a perfect opportunity to embarrass those who walk in late. I will read their scores aloud." But then when I told him my name and he found my paper, he said, "But I guess I won't get to embarrass you. You got an A. We won't see you later. Have a nice life." Probably the smart thing to do would have been to stay and continue to attend the class, but I left and never went back. I was 21, with funner things to do. What would you expect?

Later, when I was married, I began attending the writers guild meetings in Delta, UT. We had a diverse group in age, style and ability. I liked going and it challenged me to write lots of different things, but we weren't very good at critiquing each others work. We were all too nice. I would come home and read what I had written to my husband, Adam and he would always praise and encourage me. He was my biggest fan. He would say, "you should write and get published and then I wouldn't have to work so hard." And I would be embarrassed but pleased that he had such confidence in me.

And now, in this stage of my life I don't write creatively much. I still write in my journal but I haven't written a poem or story in ages. Oh, I take that back. I wrote a poem to my now ex-husband Lane. Back in the beginning of our courtship, I got a little notebook and filled it with love letters, songs, pictures and a poem I wrote just for him. He never appreciated any of it. I should have known our relationship wouldn't last.....lol!

So, I know this has been a long explanation in getting to my brainstorm, but bear with me. I have always wanted to start a book club, but not the normal kind where they pick a book, everyone reads it and then they discuss it at the end of the month. I went to the library's book club for a while, but after reading two of the most depressing books ever, two months in a row, I quit. I want to pick my own reading material. Anyway, the book club I would start would be where everyone picks their own book and then when everyone meets, everyone gives a short report and synopsis of the book they read. Seems like a useful idea. There is no way anyone has time to read all the books they want to, or think they want to. After hearing about it, they can decide if that is a book they want to invest their time on. After all there are millions of books out there these days, and we still have the same 24 hours a day.

The second part of the brainstorm was inspired by seeing the movie "Julia and Julia." If you haven't seen it, it is about a woman who decides to cook a recipe from Julia Child's french cookbook every day for a year and blog about it. I quite liked it. 

So this is my idea....One of my goals for this year was to read a book a week. Not fiction, (or maybe just a few) but non-fiction; autobiographies, history, self-help, relationships, parenting, etc. There is so much to learn about in the world. And then I got the idea that I could blog about what I read. That way I can read and improve my mind, write about it and improve my writing skills, and share the information in the book with anyone else who cares to read my blog. What a plan, huh? 

So its the 16th of January and I am obviously behind. But not as bad as you might think. I've read one book already and am halfway through another. I've just got to get a move on. Wish me success!