“Mission For Mother: Guiding The Child” by G. Hugh Allred.
Okay, I am cheating on this one. I read this book at the end of last year. But I am behind and want to keep up with my goal. I realize that there are times during the year that I may be unable to read a book a week and don't achieve my goal 100%. But I don't want to start out behind. Besides, the second book I am reading is kicking my butt. Just wait until you hear about it! Anyways, this book is an older book, published in 1968 by Bookcraft. I have a 6 year old that is giving me a run for my money and so I thought it might be worth reading.
Chapter 1 lists mother's objectives, or rather what the author thinks her objectives should be. I agree with him in general.
- Love for God. – A deep, reverential feeling and love for God.
- Self-Respect and self-acceptance. – An acceptance and respect for the self, both as it is and as it can become.
- Compassion for the whole of mankind. – A feeling of respect, kinship, and compassion for mankind.
- Honesty. – Honesty in their dealings with their fellowmen and with themselves.
- Reality. – The courage to see life realistically, the evil as well as the good.
- Courage to progress continually. – The courage and strength for continued growth through a commitment to the principle of repentance.
- Self-Reliance. – Self reliance and the ability to be relatively independent of their fellow-men, having lives based on principles, not people.
- Efficiency in solving problems. – A concern with the relevant problems of life rather than the inconsequential tasks that dissipate energy and result in little being accomplished.
- Openness. – Openness, which enables them to appreciate nature, people, and the meaningful experiences which they have.
- Moderation in all things. – Sensitivity to a balance in all things and the ability to moderate their lives in such a manner that they can effectively accomplish those tasks what are necessary for successful living.
Chapter 2 deals with the psychology of behavior. “A Child's behavior is purposeful. In order for mother to understand her child she must understand what purpose or goal the child is striving for when he misbehaves. Misbehavior cannot be effectively dealt with unless the one who is attempting to correct it understands the child's goal.”
It goes on to describe that the child's basic need is to belong, “to find a secure place with those people important to him. Mother's influence is unique, for she is generally the most significant person in the young child's life.”
Then the chapter deals with the different factors that influence a child and his behavior. Those factors are:
Past history
Biological Characteristics
Free will, choice and Creativity
Life style
Social interest
Order of Birth
Maladjustment
And then at the end of the chapter it briefly describes the A B C D goals of misbehavior:
A. To get Attention – to keep mother busy with him
B. To Boss mother – to have power over her.
C To Counterhurt – hurt mother because he feels he has been hurt, get revenge.
D. To appear Disabled – get mother to assume this.
Chapter 3 explains that parenthood has a religious foundation. “The purpose of this chapter is to help mother clarify those religious principles that have important bearings on the understanding and techniques she uses in training and disciplining her children.” Sections in the chapter are “Who is Man, Purposes of Human existence, The fundamental principle: Free Agency, Man's responsibility to himself, and Responsibility of Parenthood.” The author sums up that chapter with, “basically the challenge of motherhood is to provide the atmosphere and training for children that will enable them to return to their father in heaven as rightful heirs to their birthright, which is eternal (God-like) life. All very important information but I was ready to get on to the real meat of the matter. How do you do it?
Chapter 4 is titled “Principles for Attaining the Objectives.” Not a very stimulating title, but it got more exciting, by talking about giving your child choices at the earliest possible opportunity. “Johnnie, would you like to stop crying or would you like to take your crying to your bedroom?” Now why didn't I ever think of that? “By allowing and encouraging the child to make choices, mother respects the free agency of the child and encourages him to be responsible for his own behavior”. The chapter then proceeds onward with “Stimulate independence, Stimulate Courageousness, Train for Cooperation, not competition, Respect the child, Train the child to respect the rights of others, Train the child to respect order. I don't know about you but that last little bit about order sets off a little red flare in my brain. But as the section continues, it settled me down. It said, “This does not mean, however, that once a routine is established it is maintained rigidly regardless of the consequences.... A certain amount of order and predictability in the world makes it possible for people to be secure and productive....Rules and regulations, order and routine should be for the benefit of the individual and society. They should not be a prison. They should be seen as devices that give security and free the individual for more meaningful endeavors.”
The chapter continues with practical principles in successful child rearing.
Now this was what I was waiting for!
First and the most helpful for me with my current challenging child.
“Train the child when the relationship is good.”
Oh my heavens! You mean all that time I spent yelling at my son while he was throwing a tantrum on the floor wasn't doing any good?” No wonder things didn't get any better. Since reading this little tidbit of information, I have been waiting to talk about things that were bothering me about my son, to times when we were snuggled up together, or had just gotten finished wrestling, or playing a game. When I do, he looks at me calmly and acts as if he understands and then later I KNOW that he understood because he has attempted to do what I asked him to do. Wow! A parenting idea that actually works!
Next Principle: “When requests are made, make them reasonable and sparse.” Hmmm. Does that mean we only get to ask a child to clean his room only once a month, instead of every day? “Continual demanding by mother produces frustration and conflicts between herself and her child. It also tends to produce a dependent adult.” Okay. Not sure I get that one totally but I prefer not to nag my kids, especially when they are teens. I guess the modern definition of this principle would be “Pick your battles.”
Next Principle: Play down bad habits. Also minimize the mistakes made by both the child and yourself. Well, I can see that making an issue of my son cracking his knuckles has not changed the habit, so I will try ignoring it and see if that works. And when one of my children has made a mistake, I often start to jump all over them but then I catch myself and tell them its no big deal, blah, blah, blah. Do you think they believe me?
Next Principle: Pity has many pitfalls. This is geared towards parents of children suffering from a mental or physical handicap. But all children at one time or another try to manipulate their parent into feeling sorry for them in order to get out of a tough spot. Mother should show respect for the child's ability to grow and develop. Encouraging words like, “I know you can do it, I have confidence in you.” should be expressed to the child. I remember receiving an email not too long ago about a family who adopted a child from south America. The boy had no arms or legs. It was an amazing story and a perfect example of how a parent can encourage a child to grow and develop to their full potential. I've included the link here.
Next Principle: Don't be panicked by fears. This is a hard one. We mothers are hard wired for empathy. How can we not respond to our children when they are scared?
“By being impressed and concerned by the child's fears, Mother rewards fear.”
The book recommends that we say,
“I understand how you feel, but I know you will get over it.”
Okay, sure they will. Oh, and try saying it in a calm, matter of fact manner.....
Then get out the night light.
Then it makes some important points.
Pay attention to your tone of voice, facial expressions, and gestures. After I read this, I began to notice that, as patient as I try to be (act) while I am helping my son with his reading, I often roll my eyes and my facial expressions surely must reveal that I am feeling anything but patient.
Be consistent — follow through with what you say and mean. In other words be careful what you say. Don't say anything that you won't actually do.
No more, “get over here before I kick your behind to China.”
Watch your pleasing – be courageous enough to say no. “It is suggested by some that one of the greatest problems in American society is that of the pampered child.” When was this book written? In 1968. I wonder if this author is still alive to see the youth now? The youth that walk around in designer clothing, with a cell phone in one hand, and an iPod in the other. Driven to school, or better yet, drives his own car, bought, insured and maintained by mommy and daddy. They play sports, take lessons, play video games, have their own room and TV. They hang out with their friends, have no curfew and are seldom seen by their family. “Sometimes a child will test Mother and, in his own illogical way, feel that if Mother does not say no she does not really love him. Many teenagers seen by psychologists feel that their mothers don't love them.” Once one of my older sons was complaining about his curfew. He whined that his friend didn't have a curfew. I told him, “That only means that his mother doesn't love him as much as I love you.”
Keep social pressures and all needs for prestige from interfering. This begins when we take our toddlers to the grocery store and they begin to scream because we wont get them their favorite kind of cereal. When other shoppers give us a dirty look for the awful noise our child is making, we give in to shut them up. My youngest sister recently told me about being in the store with her twin 4 year old daughters. They started making “that awful noise” and a nearby shopper gave her “the glare” and put her hands over her ears. My sister, bless her outspoken self said, “What's the problem? Kids scream. Deal with it.” And after the grocery store and wanting our child to be the best behaved, it moves on to wanting our child to be the best reader, athlete, dancer, student, etc and the pressure is on. Before you know it we aspire for them to be doctors, lawyers, movie stars and star athletes. Maybe even the president of the United States. When all our child really wants to be is a carpenter, teacher, hair dresser or professional snow boarder!
The last part of the chapter gives us the “Basic Approach to Misbehavior.” Mothers shouldn't feed their child's misbehaving goals. If the child is acting out to get attention, mother should ignore the child. If he is acting up to boss her and exert power over her, mother should sidestep the power struggle. If the child is trying to counter-hurt or get revenge, mother should not act hurt and avoid the struggle. And if her child is acting disabled, mother should not give up on the child and encourage him to try.
There is other advice, like choosing natural and logical consequences in disciplining your child, set limitations, and quit talking and act. Be firm with yourself, do not allow yourself to be manipulated by the child. Avoid punishment (which the author describes as physical or verbal retaliation) and use caution in rewarding. Withdrawal from the child can be effective. That reminded me of reading “The Great Brain” series of children books, by John D. Fitzgerald. If you haven't ever read them to your kids, you should. They are pretty fun. It is based on the author's childhood, growing up in Southern Utah in the late 1800's. He said that his parents had the worst form of punishment ever invented. They would give them the silent treatment. He always said that other kids were lucky because they got a whipping when they misbehaved and got it over with.
The end of the chapter suggests having enjoyable family times together and having family councils. I know that fun activities, and therefore fun memories, have gone a long way to build relationships with my sons, which in turn seems to help us through the tough times.
Chapter 5 is Applying the Principles.
This chapter starts by discussing how children learn and things to remember while training them. It talks about important characteristics for a mother to have as her child's teacher. Such as, warm, well-organized, flexible, consistent... An interesting part of the chapter focused on establishing identity and worth as a person. Mother should never praise or admire the child for his good looks, but should praise and admire his accomplishments. Mother should help her child become aware of his feelings and accepts whatever feeling the child expresses. It discusses each phase that a child goes through, nursing, weaning, walking, play, toilet training, social skills, communication, playmates, sharing, chores, independence, dressing, eating, getting up, tidiness, self-discipline, sexual roles, giving and accepting affection, belief in God, curiosity, initiative, creativity, bedtime, adding another baby, talents, school and homework, dealing with death and the handicapped. Whew! If we ever thought deeply about the involvement of parenting before we actually became parents, would we actually go through with it?
Chapter 6 is Correcting the Misbehavior. This is an in depth look on what the child's goal is and how mother should respond. The author says, “All children misbehave. Mother's reactions to the child when he is misbehaving determine, in large measure, whether or not the misbehavior becomes more deeply embedded in his behavior repertoire or is discarded in favor of more positive, constructive behavior.” The chapter quickly reviews the four goals of misbehavior. Then it gives 107 pages of specific misbehaviors of children and analyzes what a mother should do. I'm sure you could find something that is similar to what your little darlings are up to. I found it amusing, that as I was reading the analysis of some of the misbehaviors, that I could see where my husband's mother did not nip his naughtiness in the bud when she had the chance. And then I had to wonder what deeply embedded behaviors of my children will drive their wives crazy.
The end of the chapter cautions that “as mother starts responding differently to her misbehaving child, he will often get worse before he gets better. Yeah, have fun with that...
Chapter 7 is a review of the DO's and DON'TS . It is the principles discussed in the book as they might be summarized through the eyes of your child. Here are a few of my favorite.
#4. Realize that one of the best ways for me to correct my misbehaviors is for you to change the way you respond to them.
#9. Watch your tone of voice. It tells me so much more about what you are feeling and thinking about me than the words you use.
#18. Realize that I learn best those things I want to learn.
#28. Apologize to me when you are in the wrong. I will feel warmer toward you and it will set a good example for me to follow.
#50. Stick with me if I ever get into real trouble. Let me know you are with me, but let me work myself out of the jam rather than you doing it for me.
There are 80 of them and they are thought provoking. Kind makes me want to start all over again so that I can do it right. Ha Ha! Just kidding.
Chapter 8 has 6 steps to Getting started. Step one is taking a little examination in the book that checks your knowledge and attitude. Step 2 asks you to take time to observe other parents as they interact with their children and suggests some questions you might ask yourself as you observe. Step 3 is to observe your own behavior with your children for 2 days and step 4 is writing out your observations, using the same questions you used when observing others. Step 5 is to find other parents who are interested in improving their relationships with their children, to associate with. And step 6 would be to visit some family education centers. Sometimes local colleges or community mental health center, hold parenting classes that you could attend.
Then end of the chapter gives you a guide in encouraging your child. “As you begin to work at changing the behavior of your child, it is important that you remember that his level of courage must be fairly high to facilitate his risking change. Just as it will take courage for you to change your behavior with him, it will require courage of him.” I have given a shorten version of the guidelines given for encouraging him.
- The child must have many more experiences with success than failure.
- Mother must value the child as he is.
- Mother must have faith in the child and his ability.
- Give recognition for effort, as well as for a job well done.
- Utilize the whole family to provide opportunities for the child to grow and develop.
- Emphasize cooperation in the family.
- Emphasize the child's assets and strengths rather than his bad habits and weaknesses.
- The child will be encouraged if he knows that mother understands him, that she can see through his eyes. Also he will be encouraged when mother uses his interests rather than her own for stimulating his growth.
In summary the author states, “Mother, you have one of the most stimulating, responsible and worthwhile professions ever entrusted to mankind...” I agree with that. Not every day, of course, but most days. If I can just get my youngest raised without strangling him (and without my future daughter-in-law wanting to strangle me!) I will be happy.
So there you go. Hope you weren't bored stiff. See you later. ;o)
I loved it. Can I use it on my parenting blog?
ReplyDeleteThanks Angie! Of course you can use it.
ReplyDelete