Book # 9

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
By David Sedaris

Until a few years ago, I had never heard of David Sedaris. This is the short version of how I came into ownership of one of his books. I was on vacation in Portland, visiting my niece. We stopped in a famous used book store, where I introduced her to "Twilight", and she told me about David Sedaris. All she said was that he was"hilarious". So I bought one of his books, brought it home, looked at it for a while and then put it on my shelf, where it has sat for almost three years now. The other day, I decided I needed something fun to read and remembered her hesitant enthusiasm about him. I still didn't know anything about the author until I picked up the book and read it in the last two days. Now I know a lot. More than I really want to. But he is funny at times. Understand, I like to laugh but I have this habit of taking life pretty seriously. Yesterday while I was reading, I hardly laughed at all. Today, I laughed a lot. Hmmmm...Maybe I just needed to remember how.

But for those of you who have no idea who the author is, I've included a short summary of what was written about him in Wikipedia....

David Sedaris (born December 26, 1956) is a Grammy Award-nominated American humorist, writer, comedian, bestselling author, and radio contributor. Sedaris was first publicly recognized in 1992 when National Public Radio broadcast his essay "SantaLand Diaries". He published his first collection of essays and short stories, Barrel Fever, in 1994. His next five subsequent essay collections, Naked (1997), Holidays on Ice (1997), Me Talk Pretty One Day (2000), Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (2004), and When You Are Engulfed in Flames (2008), have become New York Times Best Sellers. In 2010, he released another collection of stories Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary. As of 2008, his books have collectively sold seven million copies. Much of Sedaris's humor is autobiographical and self-deprecating, and often concerns his family life, his middle class upbringing in the suburbs of Raleigh, North Carolina, Greek heritage, various jobs, education, drug use, homosexuality, and his life in France with his boyfriend, Hugh Hamrick.

The book consists of twenty-two essays, written about himself and his family. I don't have any desire to give you an outline of them, certainly humor shouldn't be summarized like a informational book. But I wanted to share my favorite part and then I'm going to move on to another idea. 

In his essay, Repeat After Me, he tells about his older sister Lisa, who loves animals with a fanatical passion. She has a blue fronted Amazon parrot who repeats everything she says, even the positive affirmations that she teaches it to say to her when she is having her down times. One day Lisa and David were out together on a drive and Lisa began telling him about something tragic that happened to her. She had hit an animal while out driving her car and the animal was mortally wounded and suffering. So she stuffed the animal into a pillowcase and held it to the tailpipe of her car in an attempt to end its life quicker and more peacefully. He writes, "She reached the inevitable conclusion and just as I started to laugh, she put her head against the steering wheel and fell apart....Instinctively I reached for the notebook I keep in my pocket and she grabbed my hand to stop me. "If you ever" she said, "ever repeat that story, I will never talk to you again"....He asked her, "What if I use the story but say that it happened to a friend?" Later he relates how he went to the parrot in the middle of the night. "Through everything that's gone before this moment, we understand that the man has something important to say. From his own mouth the words are meaningless, and so he pulls up a chair. The clock reads three am, then four, then five, as he sits before the brilliant bird, repeating slowly and clearly the words "Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me."

Not a particularly funny story but I liked it. I wonder, did you have the same thought as me? Does his sister still speak to him?

So, my challenge for myself this week is this. I grew up with seven sisters and one brother, gave birth to five sons, and married two husbands. Surely there are some funny tales in there to tell. I want to see if I can tell a story from my history that mimics Mr. Sedaris' style. This could be challenging, no, will be challenging, partly because my memory fails me, especially in the humor department, and partly because I am not particularly funny. But the point of this whole blog is to challenge myself. So here I go....

Laugh till you Cry
My family loves to laugh. I'm not particularly funny myself, although I have been known to get into that mood and funny stuff comes from somewhere hidden deep inside. But I do appreciate those who can make me laugh, and my family is number one on my funny list. My family, consisting of Dad, who has now passed on, but loved to tell the jokes that he'd read in the Reader's Digest. Mom, who has a subtle, sarcastic humor but is better at being the butt of our jokes and teasing. Eight of us strong willed girls; some with a wit sharper than a tack, and one brother, who belongs on the melodrama stage. There are a passel of brothers-in-law, most of whom seem to prefer to stay backstage, probably for their own safety. And a wild assortment of twenty-six nieces and nephews, a few of them married to stand up comedians. When we all get together, it is usually bedlam. And when we are in a funny mood, it's hilarity at its best. One person will get us started and hours later we are still going at it. 
 
This last Christmas at our adult family party, somebody brought up the subject of budgie smugglers. If you don't know what a budgie smuggler is, then Google it. That's what my sister did at the party and then, giggling like an adolescent, informed us all....
 
       “Budgie smuggler: Australian slang term for men's tight-fitting Speedo-style swimwear. 
        The 'lump in the front' apparently resembles a budgie when it is stuffed down the front 
        of someone's shorts. Ah, those crazy Aussies!” 
 
Somewhere during the evening the term evolved into budgie “snuggler”, much to the embarrassment of the young newlyweds in the room. The night's festivities were further enlivened with our white elephant gift exchange. The gifts ranged from the hideous pink and lime green toile tablecloth that was surprisingly stolen by my sophisticated brother-in-law. The Rudolph's red nose and antlers costume for your car, which started an argument between my niece and her husband; she wanting to use them on their trip to California to visit his family, and he not thrilled with the idea. The tacky pink and purple candy dish, I being the lucky recipient, and the snow-cone maker, which was opened by one of my nieces. She was enthusiastic about the gift.

       This is so cool! It reminds me of the snow-cone maker I had when I was a little girl!”

Her mother began to laugh, and suddenly she realized that it was the snow-cone maker she had when she was a little girl.

Every year, for the last fifteen years, my mom and the sisters have gotten together for what we call "mom's day away". We escape for a long weekend, usually around Mother's Day. We are running away from our jobs, husbands, homes and children. It is truly bliss. Unless of course, there is one of us that still has a baby semi-attached, then we are unable to pretend that we are 17 and free. We shop, watch movies, get massages or pedicures, and we talk half the night. My favorite part is the laughing. I have some really funny sisters. Add that to the late nights and it is a volatile combination for me. Once I am tired, I am not fully responsible for my behavior. Make me laugh and I will laugh uncontrollably until I cry, with tears streaming down my face. It is an odd sensation and I'm not exactly sure why it occurs, but sometimes it is embarrassing.

The first time I met my ex-husband, he came to visit me for three days. We had spoken on the phone for two months and I wasn't sure if we were a good match because he was always so serious. But when we met in person, I was delighted to find that he had a good sense of humor and seemed to enjoy using it for the purpose of making me laugh. We were both thrilled with our new relationship and we stayed up late every night. But by the third night I'd had it. I am not a night owl, and I need my eight hours to function properly. On that third night I was getting pretty loopy. We were upstairs, sitting on the couch and he was telling me about a medical condition that he had, and the natural treatment he wanted to get, in order to fix it. I was barely conscious, let alone listening. He was droning on and I heard him explaining about the solution that they would inject in order to stimulate tissue growth. Suddenly my brain focused on his words.

       “In laboratory tests, they have grown bird wings in petrie dishes.”

He denies ever having said such a thing, yet I heard it. And suddenly a vision of a flying petri dish flitted through my mind and I began to giggle. The giggle intensified when I saw the look of puzzlement on his face. Soon I was laughing uncontrollably, and then just as quickly I began to cry. Then because I realized how absolutely nuts I must seem, I began to laugh again. It was outrageous! The cycle repeated itself about 5 times before I had myself under control and was able to gasp out that I was okay, I was just very tired. He didn't really believe me and thought that he had gotten himself involved with a mental case and made a quick retreat to the motel where he was staying. The next day, I was surprised to see him again at my door and I'm sure that he was relieved to find that I was once again my calm and composed self.

Unfortunately the laughter did not continue much further into the relationship and I found that I cried more often than I laughed. Which was a good sign that I should never have married him. But I am stubborn and needed to learn the hard way.  In our last desperate days, he would often say, 

        "That was funny stuff, why aren't you laughing?.....I am such a funny guy!"

Now that he is gone, I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is smile.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 8

"Why Men Love Bitches"

By Sherry Argov

The subtitle of this book is: From Doormat to Dreamgirl--

A woman's guide to holding her own in a relationship.

Now I don't know about the dreamgirl part of it, I doubt I will ever be someone's dreamgirl again, but I absolutely refuse to be someone's doormat ever again.

The author talks about 100 attraction principles. I am not going to list all 100 principles for you. I will simply list my favorites. Starting with:

Attraction Principle # 1:

Anything a person chases in life runs away....Good one! I wish my ex would have run a little faster and a little longer.

Attraction Principle # 6 :

It is your attitude about yourself that a man will adopt....Yep!

Attraction Principle # 9 :

If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else....I tried the relationship, but dignity eventually won out.

Attraction Principle # 19 :

He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner....but there are some men that want you to be needy.  Take note; They are not worthy of you.

Attraction Principle # 28 :

If he makes you feel insecure, let your insecurity be your guide....Or if he makes you cry or feel anxiety more than he makes you laugh, then there is a problem.

Attraction Principle # 34 :

When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete....AMEN! My ex made looking for rocks a competition!

Attraction Principle # 38 : 

When a woman acts as though she's capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything....True again! This woman really knows her stuff!

Attraction Principle # 41 : 

Men respect women who communicate in a succinct way, because it's the language men use to talk to one another....Now I know for a fact this isn't always true. My ex was highly emotional and could talk forever, like many women do. I often felt like we had reversed roles. I found it very disorienting and extremely annoying.

Attraction Principle # 50 :

The nice girl gives away too much of herself, when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself....now I know that we often hear in the church that we should always think of our spouse first. That might be effective when both partners are operating on that principle. But when one gives more than the other, it just gets more and more unbalanced as the receiver begins to take advantage. But that's just my perspective.

Attraction Principle # 52 : 

When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention....Hey doe this work with little boys too? 

Attraction Principle # 59 : 

When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don't nag, he deals with the problem....We can always hope anyway. 

Attraction Principle # 77 : 

You have to show that you won't accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.....One thing I did do right; my ex learned to control his temper, even if he didn't learn anything else. He discovered early on that I couldn't and wouldn't stand for it.

Attraction Principle # 81 : 

In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn't bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person....True! True! True! My ex didn't work in the entire 9 months that we were married. He was trying to transition into another business, yet he stalled day after day. And he also didn't do anything to help around the house. I made every meal, his included, even though he ate something different from everyone else. He could have worked in my business but he refused. He felt my disrespect and whined about it all the time. Ick!

Attraction Principle # 85 :

People will show that they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight....I have been divorced for nearly 2 months now, and yet my ex called me the other day in an attempt to get me to pay his tax accounting bill from last year. I told him that I was amazed at his lack of masculine pride.

Attraction Principle # 86 : 

The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be....If this is true, then why did my ex keep dating me? He hated that I was independent and didn't need him.

Attraction Principle # 89 : 

Don't give a reward for bad behavior...LOL!

Attraction Principle # 91 : 

If he doesn't give you a time, you don't have a date....another thing she said, was if he is more than a half hour late and doesn't call, you shouldn't be there when he arrives. ooooooooh! I wish I would have known about this one when I met my ex for the very first time. He was 3 hours late. I hate that! So, why did I keep dating him???

Attraction Principle # 94 : 

You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face....this is something that I will have to work on. I am way too serious!

Attraction Principle # 98 : 

Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way....Oh Yeah!

Attraction Principle # 99 : 

Truly powerful people don't explain why they want respect. They simply don't engage someone who doesn't give it to them....my new philosophy and MO. :o)

Attraction Principle # 100 : 

The most attractive quality of all is dignity....And as of today I am regaining my dignity. Thanks for listening as I used this post as a vent about my ex (and a few of the others as well ). I have been a little undignified the last few weeks. I've felt as if I was possessed by an evil spirit and today an exorcism has occurred. I will not talk about him again.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 7

Dynamic People Skills

Developing Relationships That Develop Success

By Dexter Yager with Ron Ball

This is a book I've had since our Amway days. I was looking for a relationship book that wasn't specific towards the male / female relationship. I have a bunch of success type books, like "How to Win Friends and Influence People" but I haven't read this book before, so I chose this one and it was a quick read.

I wanted to share a little story related about the author in the prologue. Dexter was playing checkers with a man named Bruce. Dexter was winning with 5 black pieces and Bruce had 2 red pieces. After studying the situation, Bruce said, "I can't beat you--the odds are too great against me." Without a word, Dexter turned the board around so that he was playing the 2 red pieces and Bruce had the 5 black. He then said with a twinkle in his eye, "Why don't we keep playing and see how it turns out?" The game continued and after about ten minutes, Dexter won. He always believed that successful  people never ever quit, no matter what the odds appear to be.

The introduction is titled "The key to success in life" and talks about how you can have a degree from a top university, years of experience in your field, you can be a technical expert; but unless you develop your skills with people, you are not going to achieve very much in life. It talks about conflict, about understanding ourselves and others, and about developing people skills; not so that you can get your way with others, but to do it so that you can help other people and to grow in your own life. It also said that getting along with people doesn't always mean giving people what they want.  I've learned that the hard way.....
at least I hope I've learned...lol!

Part one: Developing Dynamic Relationships.

Chapter one: Situations Change When You Change.

A. Growing Up. "If you are going to be a success, you're going to have to be an adult to do it. And to be an adult, you've got to relate to other people as an adult. In order to grow in people skills, you've got to grow up first."  It talks about how many people are still operating like teenagers...ego-centered, vain, narcissistic, stubborn, who get bent out of shape when they don't get what they want.

B. Characteristics of an immature person.

        1.   Living in the immediate.

        2.   Short on discipline.

        3.   Dominated by emotions.

        4.   Limited knowledge without knowledge of the limits.

        5.   Operating from a sentimentality base, not a reality base.

        6.   Sexually absorbed.

        7.   Identity sensitive.

C. Ten obstacles to personal change.

        1.   Get rid of the positive cover...meaning that some people talk positive but

              really aren't. It's just camouflage.

        2.   Avoid the hidden hooks of life....meaning we get into patterns of behavior that

              meet our needs temporarily but do a lot of damage in the long run.

        3.   Get rid of your comfort blanket...meaning that middle of the road, mediocrity

              that keep people feeling safe.

        4.   Give up deceptive desires...meaning all those wishes we have in life that we are

              not willing to back up with action. I understand this one well. For years I wanted

              to run a marathon. After years of being disappointed in myself because it never

              happened, I realized that I don't want to run a marathon. I didn't like

              running that much. I would rather get my exercise in other ways. I just thought

              it sounded cool. Now I don't beat myself up over not running a marathon, I just

              focus on the goals that I have decided are really important to me.

        5.   Quit being suspicious of change. "Experts in mental health say that people who

              are psychologically healthy are people who enjoy the challenge and excitement

              of change. They don't resist it..."   Hmmmmm.......I could be one of those

              unhealthy people.

        6.   Spring the trap of small thinking....."When you let trivial things matter, when

              you care about petty stuff more than important issues and relationships, you've

              been trapped by small thinking.

        7.   Don't ignore the passing of time. "Procrastination is like a narcotic, dulling the

              senses with "down the road" promises that never come true. I love that quote!

        8.   Avoid fantasy filled failure. "A lot of times people who fail create fantasies to

              convince themselves they haven't really failed at all." That is my ex-husband.

              He thought that since he was not the one to ever give up on a relationship, then

              he wasn't the one to blame. You would think that he would get a clue when

              every woman he has been in a relationship with has given up on him.

        9.   Destroy lethal laziness before it destroys you....no explanation necessary.

        10. Quit sabotaging yourself by focusing on yourself. "No matter where you look,

              giving is the basis of all success. Focus on yourself, and over the long haul,

              you will fail in life. Focus on the needs of others and you will meet with great

              success."

    D.      A responsible maturity...."Almost everyone today seems to feel entitled to 

              all sorts of successes, adventures, and joys right now without having to make 

              any great sacrifices to get them....It's definitely time for us all to grow up, to climb 

              over that wall of our overgrown adolescence and get back to the clarity of 

              being personally responsible for our own lives. When we do, we will see some 

              real and lasting changes take place."

Chapter two: Positive Patterns For Success.

A.  Nailing down the Non-Negotiables, which are the things in our lives which we will not sacrifice or compromise for anything else.

 
B.  Personal Non-Negotiables are:

        1.   Health

        2.   Family and Friends

        3.   Morality

        4.   Spiritual Life

C.  Sticking to your Non-Negotiables. "Determine what your non-negotiables are and stick to them... Its a simple decision, but it takes strength to stand tall when the going gets tough. And it always gets tough."

 
D.  Developing principles for successful living.

         1. Behavior builders

             a.  Make friends with the realities of life.

             b.  Take responsibility for your actions, and reactions.

             c.  Choose inspiring role models.

             d.  Get excited by the possibilities.

             e.  Get a direction and a mission.

             f .  Practice forgiveness.

             g.  Maintain sensible security.

             h.  Balance time with people verses time alone.

              i.   Live in obedience to God.

     
         2. Productivity Guidelines.

            a.  Know and control your aggravation scale. This is something that I am 

                 learning....My ex was way off the charts on my aggravation scale. 

                 Homeschooling my 6 year old is pushing the limits on my aggravation 

                 scale, thus he is going to public school in the fall.

            b.  Be willing to stretch.

            c.  Ride the emotional flow of your life....basically this means to give yourself 

                 a break when your having a tough moment.

            d.  Declare war on personal weakness.

            e.  Keep your promises.

     
        3.    The secret of a super-performer....the secret is this...."It's up to you...

                You're responsible for your own choices, your own motivations, your own
                responses."

Chapter 3: Moving Forward with People

A. Twenty-one dynamic people skills

            1.    Practice a friendly flexibility

            2.    Broadcast positive body language.

            3.    Keep your voice pleasant.

            4.    Express convictions appropriately.

            5.    Listen attentively.

            6.    Be prepared.

            7.    Be authentic.

            8.    Find a connection.

            9.    Build bridges.

            10.  Be empathetic

            11.  Stand firm

            12.  Defuse conflict.

            13.  Focus on a solution.

            14.  Use a "can you help me?" approach.

            15.  Practice the "duck" response....don't let things bother you.
                    Let them roll off your back. I wish I were a better duck....

            16.  Develop a sense of humor.

            17.  Express genuine praise and appreciation.

            18.  Exude Happiness.

            19.  Make change easy.

            20.  Become a storyteller.

            21.  Pray with and for people.

Chapter 4: "How to stay motivated forever."

A.  What motivates people?

           1.     Desire for respect

           2.     A sense of legacy.

           3.     A need for financial security.

 
B.  The pursuit of pleasure - we are all motivated by things that bring us pleasure

          1.     Unreached goals of childhood

          2.     Desire for power.

          3.     Desire for good health

          4.     Desire to please God

          5.     Helping others

          6.     The joy of life itself.

 
C. Motivation Murders.

         1.      Withdrawal from relationships

         2.      Loss of energy

         3.      Moral Muck

         4.      Surrendering to doubt

         5.      Trying to be somebody else.

         6.      Gorillas from the past.

         7.      Laziness and pessimism

         8.      Guilt

 
D.  Staying Motivated

         1.      Focus on your dream

         2.      Remember who you influence

         3.      Remember honor and duty

         4.      Keep good role models in front of you.

         5.      Get your daily surge - a power surge from God.

         6.      Just do it!

Part Two: Knocking out negatives that spoil your relationships.

Chapter 5: Deal with regret

 
A.  Sources of regret

         1.     Emotional baggage.

         2.     Halfheartedness

         3.     Deliberately hurting someone

         4.     Missed opportunities

         5.     Not taking care of yourself

         6.     Financial missteps

         7.     Relationship blunders

         8.     Unfulfilled personal expectations

 
B.  Why it's hard to deal with regret

         1.     Fear of personal guilt

         2.     Fear of ingoing damage.

         3.     Fear of emotional exhaustion

         4.     Powerless depression

         5.     Spontaneous anger.

 
C.  How to handle regret

         1.     Make a clean sweep

         2.     Commit to a forward focus

         3.     Be your own best friend

         4.     Develop a disciplined memory - refuse to remember negatives and failures.

         5.     Practice thankfulness

         6.     Get a strong dose of  "so what?" - don't get bent out of shape by the small stuff.

         7.     Concentrate on giving.

         8.     Acknowledge a spiritual base.

         9.     Believe in yourself.

 
D.  Turning your life around - "Here's a challenge. Step out of yourself and look at things as if you were a troubleshooter CEO who had been hired to turn around your own company. You've been given all the money, support, and resources to do your job.You've got permission to make a clean sweep and do anything you want to do, change anything you want to change. What will you do?" 

Chapter 6: Overcoming Rejection

 
A.  Seven reasons people reject you

         1.     You've become a threat to their lack of performance.

         2.     Jealousy.

         3.     Reluctance to change

         4.     Misconceptions.

         5.     Mistrust

         6.     Dislike

         7.     Experiences of personal rejection and disappointments.

 
B.  How rejection affects you

         1.     It cause you to doubt your judgment

         2.     It challenges relationships you thought were secure.

         3.     It feeds your natural insecurity

         4.     It cracks your confidence

         5.     It attacks your most basic motivation.

 
C.  How NOT to respond to rejection

         1.     Rapid retreat

         2.     Sell-out to self-doubt

         3.     Camouflaged compromise

         4.     Approval Pursuit

         5.     Becoming a turtle

         6.     Recycling the rejection

         7.     Rejection reflection

 
D.  Right ways to respond to rejection

         1.     Spiritual clarity

         2.     Battle training

         3.     A love of excellence

         4.     True Grit: gives you three things--emotional control,
                 mental discipline, the power of chosen optimism.

Chapter 7: Get a grip on your ego

 
A. How's your ego doing?

         1.     You feel secretly hurt or resentful when other people are recognized or rewarded.

         2.     You tend to resist new information

         3.     You talk about yourself too much.

         4.     You tend to de-edify other people.

         5.     You resist constructive feedback.

         6.     You treat the laws of God lightly.

 
B.  How to retain humility

         1.     Never lose your sense of wonder at what you're learning from others.

         2.     Cultivate gratefulness

         3.     Pray for a giving attitude

         4.     Make people your priority.

         5.     Learn to see yourself from God's perspective.
  
Chapter 8: Eliminate Negative Patterns

 
A.  Negative Relationship Patterns

         1.     Temperamentalism

         2.     Response laziness

         3.     Reaction ruts

         4.     Relational fantasies

         5.     Operating from assumptions, not facts.

         6.     Pouring negatives onto others

         7.     Manipulation games

         8.     Attack of the raptor

B.  Changing Negative Patterns

         1.     Don't be trapped by perfectionism

         2.     Don't ignore your vulnerabilities

         3.     Be with strong people when you are feeling vulnerable, not those that

                 have the same weaknesses as you are struggling with.

C.  Turning Negative Patterns into positive ones.
         1.     Recognize the specific skill killers you've been using in your own life.
         2.     Realize the negative ways these things have been affecting you and
                 your relationships.
         3.     Understand you don't have to give in to negative patterns, you can
                 still choose.
         4.     Ask God and a few people you trust for help in keeping you
                 accountable as you chip away at the skill killers one by one.
         5.     Keep moving ahead with relationships, not being afraid to
                 make mistakes while you're growing in your people skills.

Part Three: Understanding Who You Are

Chapter 9: Choosing your view of human nature
 
A.  The Humanistic View of People
         1.     Life is primarily a physical phenomenon
         2.     People are simply and advanced form of animal life.
         3.     People are morally neutral
         4.     People are naturally capable of unlimited improvement
         5.     People are environmentally controlled and developed.
 
B.  The Christian View of People
         1.     People are created in God's image.
         2.     We're a flawed creation
         3.     God made recovery possible
         4.     We have abundant life when we obey Him instead of letting our egos rule.
 
C.  Be careful of judgment. "Don't ever let your personal judgments destroy the potential in a relationship. No matter how seriously you disagree with someone else's perspective, deeply respect their right to have it. Treat them with the same kindness and courtesy you desire for yourself."

Chapter Ten: Emotions and how they work

A.  Negative emotions
         1.      Fear
         2.      Worry
         3.      Depression
         4.      Anger
         5.      Hatred

B.  Five positive emotions
         1.      Desire
         2.      Confidence
         3.      Excitement
         4.      Happiness
         5.      Love

C.   How emotions work
         1.      Emotions are responders--not initiators
         2.      Emotions follow and ebb-and-flow pattern
         3.      Emotions have only the power you give them
         4.      Emotions can be mistaken
      
D. Mastering your emotions
         1.      Understand them
         2.      Accept them
         3.      Control them

Part Four: Building a powerful marriage

Chapter Eleven: Looking for a life partner

A.  Wrong reasons for dating
         1.      Sex
         2.      Status
         3.      Social pressure
 
B.  Right reasons for dating
         1.      To honor God
         2.      To build up the other person
         3.      For personal development
         4.      To prepare for marriage

C.  Vital qualities in the person you date
         1.      Respect
         2.      Good manners
         3.      Emotional stability
         4.      Sense of humor
         5.      Things in common
         6.      Strong identity
         7.      Be the right kind of person yourself

D.  How to have a great date.
         1.      Guard your affections
         2.      Plan and organize
         3.      Get to know your date's family
         4.      Pray together

Chapter Twelve: Keys to a fulfilling marriage

A. Communication Blockages
         1.      Controlling
         2.      Crushing
         3.      Ridiculing.... I liked what the author had to say about this and so I'm going to give you a long quote about this one.  He said, "When you're doing it yourself, you usually call it "kidding around"... Its the kind of humor that pokes fun at your spouse (or someone else) using their weaknesses or mistakes as an opportunity to laugh at their expense. It's actually another way to crush a person's dignity. And yet when your spouse resists or reacts negatively, you respond with amazement. "I was only kidding. Can't you even take a joke?" I think its important to understand something that psychologists have discovered: your subconscious can't take a joke. It doesn't know the difference between input that's given in jest and input that's given otherwise. Negative input affects your self image, whether it was a joke or not....Your subconscious accepted it as valid. In marriage its vital to protect the dignity of your partner. Think of yourself as the guardian of his or her self esteem. It's great to have fun together, but whenever you make a personal joke, make sure its about yourself, not anybody else. I can tell you from experience that the camouflaged insults of misdirected humor can do critical damage to your relationship."
         4.      Functionalism
         5.      Negative comparisons
         6.      Extra curricular satisfaction (meeting your needs outside the home)
         7.      Lack of responsibility and discipline
         8.      Inability to accept reality
         9.      Living by lies

B.  How to restore intimacy
         1.      Respect your partner
         2.      Act and speak with honesty
         3.      Lead in Love
         4.      Protect your source
         5.      Dream together and celebrate
         6.      Make sex a priority
         7.      Be united spiritually

I apologize for the boring outline. As I got going I realized that even though it was a fairly short book, it was jam packed with information and I couldn't comment on all of it. So if you are interested in the info in this book, I will loan it to you.

Until next time ;o)

 

Book # 6

Three Against Hitler

by Rudi Wobbe and Jerry Borrowman

This is the true story about 3 LDS teenage German boys who grew up under Hitler's regime; Rudi Wobbe, Helmuth Huebener, and Karl-Heinz Schnibbe. Helmuth was a brilliant young man and believed that Hitler was an evil man. He decided that not only could he not support Hitler, but he felt it his moral duty to oppose him. He illegally listened to the BBC and found out what was really going on, then printed up handbills and his 2 friends Rudi and Karl-Heinz helped to distribute them throughout the city of Hamburg. They were operating fairly successfully until they tried to recruit some others and were overheard by a Nazi sympathizer. They were all arrested. During their trial before the "Blood Tribunal" Helmuth took the spotlight, in an effort to take the focus off of his friends. He spoke bravely against Hitler and the war, which enraged the judges. After a brief sham of a defense by their court appointed attorneys, they were sentenced. Helmuth, age 17, was to be executed by guillotine. Rudi, age 15, was given 10 years imprisonment, and Karl-Heinz, age 16, was sentenced to 5 years imprisonment.

The book follows Rudi (and Karl-Heinz sporadically)  for the next three and a half years as he lives, and suffers in prison camps. The brutality of the Nazi's and the starvation were very disturbing. I can't even imagine it, me in my sheltered little world. It truly amazes me how inhumane man can be to their fellow travelers on this planet. It amazed me even more how skillfully Hitler deceived the German people. Even the bishop of the ward where the three boys attended, believed that Hitler was ordained by God to lead Germany back to glory and power. But there were some decent people who managed to see what was really going on, resist in their own way and still preserve their lives.

There were several such people that Rudi encountered during his ordeal in prison. The first one came to Rudi's aid when he was being brutally beaten by 'der Lange Paul (the tall Paul). "His strikes came so fast and the pain was so great that I thought that this couldn't be happening--that it was a nightmare from which I would awaken. I fell to the ground and he began kicking me viciously. My will to protect myself, to survive left me, and I gave myself up to being kicked to death. Suddenly I felt two strong arms picking me up from the ground, and I was pushed against the wall while someone shielded me from Lange Paul's attack with his own body." This man, named Hans, gave Rudi good advice about how to survive in prison and to deal with the guards, and he told him, "Be strong, don't let them get you down-- remember, you have to survive!" Rudi remembered those words throughout his imprisonment and used them to strengthen his resolve to keep going. After Hans protected him from the guard, Rudi never saw him again, yet he never forgot him.

During his last year of imprisonment, Rudi met another person who stood up for what was right, the best he could under the circumstances. It was the commander of the camp and his name was Dr. Krueger. Rudi was working as a machinist and repairing German aircraft. He did his job well and advanced into trusted positions. He was approached by a member of the Polish underground, who asked him to sabotage the planes he was repairing but Rudi said that he wouldn't do it. He became well liked by the free Germans that he worked with, and one day, one of the test pilots offered to take him on a test flight. Rudi excitedly agreed. A Nazi guard overheard and believed that Rudi was trying to escape. He notified the commander, who didn't believe that it really was Rudi's intention, so the guard went over the commander's head and notified the Gestapo. The Gestapo then tried to get Rudi transferred to a concentration camp, but the commander refused to let them take him. They tried three different times to get Rudi transfered but the commander continued to refuse them. I don't know how he did it, I thought the Gestapo was all powerful. It just goes to show you that someone's reputation isn't necessarily what is true.  Turns out that Rudi was able to return the favor and testify in Dr. Krueger's war crimes trial after the war and help him to get exonerated of inhumane treatment of prisoners and released.

After the war, Rudi found his mother and step-father still alive in Hamburg. They lived together for a time. They did their best to pick up the pieces of their lives. Rudi met a young woman that he decided to marry but before he could do that, he was called on a church mission to another part of the country. He felt like that service to the Lord helped him to get over the post traumatic stress that he and many other soldiers and prisoners were suffering. After his mission, he came home, married, and began working successfully in an electric motor company. In 1953, he and his little family were able to immigrate to America. During that first decade in America, he avoided thinking about the war as much as possible but in 1961, a journalist for the Deseret News approached him and asked if he would discuss his arrest and imprisonment. After the story was published, he was asked to speak in several firesides. He wrote, "I discovered that bringing my experiences out into the open made it easier to deal with the memories. It also gave me a chance to share with people the ideals and beliefs that motivated Helmuth to lead us into the Resistance. In time I would deliver my message to hundreds of audiences, There seemed to be a real interest on the part of Americans to learn about life under the Nazis."

As for Karl-Heinz, he was drafted into military service shortly before the end of the war. He was captured by the Russians and spent several years in a prison camp in Siberia. He later immigrated to America as well. In 1976, their experience was turned into a play at BYU called "Huebener". The play ran for two weeks and Rudi received several phone calls where he would hear a voice calling him a traitor. Apparently there were still some Nazi die-hards alive and well, residing in Utah of all places. 

In 1985, Rudi and Karl-Heinz were invited to the city of Hamburg to be guests of honor at the memorial service being held for Helmuth Huebener, on what would have been his 60th birthday. It was a great experience for them both, however they found some of the tours of the prison camps that they had once suffered in, somewhat depressing, especially the place where Helmuth had been executed. 

One of the last things Rudi wrote in his book was a quote from President Ezra Taft Benson, "I say to you with all the fervor of my soul that God intended for all men to be free. Rebellion against tyranny is a righteous cause." This makes me wonder how things will go in the US in the future. I know the things that we tolerate now from our government, probably wouldn't have been tolerated 50 years ago, and definitely not 150 years ago. But the heat has been turned up very slowly and most of us haven't noticed. Or maybe we would rather have Big Brother look after us, than be free.

In 1989, Rudi began working on a manuscript with Ghost writer Jerry Borrowman. Sometime mid-year in 1991 he contracted cancer. On January 31, 1992, one week after signing a publishing agreement, he passed away. 

Until next time ;o)

Book # 5

How to Read a Person Like a Book

by Gerard I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero

I decided to read this book because I have boys. Teenage boys are notorious for being closed mouthed. So maybe if I knew how to read some body language, I would understand more of what was going on. The book wasn't as helpful, nor as interesting as I had hoped. Nevertheless, here we go.

Chapter one is about "Acquiring the skills for reading gestures."

The authors state that "The art of thoroughly seeing nonverbal communications is a learning process almost as difficult as acquiring fluency in a foreign language. In addition to maintaining a conscious awareness of your own gestures and the meaning you are conveying to your audience, we recommend that you set aside at least 10 minutes a day during which you consciously "read" the gestures of others." 

One of the things that they stress in the book is congruency and  gesture clusters. Sometimes, we may misread a gesture. Maybe it was just an itch. We should look for a cluster of gestures that are all saying the same thing about how that person is feeling. And how does the body language match what the person is saying verbally?

Chapter 2 explores the "Materials for Gesture Reading". These materials are: facial expressions, walking gestures, and shaking hands. "The modern handshake is a gesture of welcome: the palms interlocking signify openness and the touching signifies oneness. Handshake customs vary from country to country....whatever the situation, find out the local custom before making the assumption that your brand of handshake will be acceptable."

Chapter 3 covers the attitudes of "Openness, Defensiveness, Evaluation and Suspicion" and the gesture clusters that often accompany these feelings. For example, a person who is feeling open or trying to show openness will have open hands, an unbuttoned coat. They quoted Charles Darwin when he noted that animals show submissiveness, a form of openness, when they lay on their backs and expose their soft underparts and throats to their opponents. Darwin said that "in such situations even the most hostile animal did not take advantage of the vanquished." Now I don't recommend that you lay on your back or expose your throat, next time you are having an argument with your mother-in-law, but if you are losing, being open can save you from her attack.....(just kidding around.) 

Defensiveness, on the other hand is opposite of openness.. Folded arms, clenched fists, crossed legs, a buttoned coat, are all signs of defensiveness. 

Evaluation is shown by hand to cheek gestures, as in the famous sculpture "The Thinker" by Auguste Rodin. Also sitting forward, a tilted head, pacing, pinching the bridge of the nose and stroking the chin are all signs of evaluation. 

Suspicion and secretiveness can be shown by covering the mouth while speaking, not looking at the person you are speaking to, the sideways glance, and the feet or the entire body pointing toward the exit. Nose rubbing or touching is a good sign of rejection, doubt or "No!"  Rubbing the eye is also a sign of doubt.

Chapter 4 covers the attitudes of Readiness, Reassurance, Cooperation, and Frustration.

Hands on the hips, sitting on the edge of your chair, arms spread while gripping the edge of a table, moving in towards another person and speaking confidently are all body talk for readiness. 

A common gesture of reassurance for a woman is to slowly and gracefully bring her hand to her throat. Also pinching the fleshy part of the hand. "Various finger gestures convey one's anxieties, inner conflicts or apprehension (and thus the need for reassurance). A child needing reassurance sucks his thumb, a teenager concerned about an exam bites his nails, and a taxpayer worried about April 15th picks at his cuticles until they are sore." Some people substitute other objects and use pens, pencils, wood fabric or paper to chew on. 

The gestures of cooperation are similar the gestures of readiness, because we are often showing that we are ready to cooperate. 

The gestures of frustration are rubbing the back of one's neck or running fingers through hair, kicking motions, sighing, short breaths, tightly clenched hands, fist-like gestures, wringing hands, pointing index finger.

Chapter 5 covers the attitudes of Confidence, Nervousness, and Self control. "A confident person is likely to talk without hand-to-face gestures....a proud, erect stance, more frequent eye contact. Confidence also causes the eyes to blink less, hence the person seems to be a better listener." Steepling of the fingers, leaning back with both hands supporting the head, and feet on a desk are also gestures of confidence.
 

Nervousness can be indicated by rapid walking, pointing your body away from the person you are having a conversation with, fidgeting in your chair, hands covering your mouth while speaking, clearing the throat, making the "whew" sound, and even whistling. I was surprised at first when they mentioned whistling as a sign of nervousness. But then I remembered that I often whistled when I was around my now ex husband. I think I was trying to show confidence, even though I was feeling anxiety. I haven't whistled at all since he left.

Some of the self control gestures are holding an arm behind the back and clenching the hand tightly while the other hand grips the wrist or arm, also locked ankles and clenched fists.

Chapter 6 covers the attitudes of Boredom, Acceptance, Courtship, Expectancy. Drumming on a table, tapping with your feet, doodling, a blank stare, and head in the palm of the hand and drooping eyes position, are all signs of boredom. 

Signs of acceptance are a hand to chest gesture, moving closer to another person, and reassuring touches. I like what they said while talking about acceptance. "How we like people who are agreeable and willing to accept us, our ideas and most of what we say and do! The rude awakening comes when they do not see things as we do and resist us. When this happens, rather then think that anything we said or failed to acknowledge was the cause, we believe something has basically changed in our agreeable associate."

Courtship gestures are often preening, straitening your body, arranging your clothes, smoothing or arranging your hair. 

Expectancy or anticipation can be shown by rubbing the palms, crossed fingers, jingling of money (usually by those waiting for a tip).

Chapter 7 is titled "Relations and Circumstances". "Nonverbal meaning can change depending on where, when, who and how." In this chapter they touch on the parent and child relationship, the lover relationship, communication between strangers, the relationship between a superior and subordinate, client and professional, and between the buyer and seller.

Chapter 8 is "Understanding in an Environment". They talk about gestures without an audience, which would be the gestures we make while on the telephone. Then courtroom gestures and social gatherings are discussed and then several illustrations are shown, with which they want you to test yourself to see if you are understanding the basics. 

They ended with a very interesting and insightful comment. "The sharing of any insights that you may have gained, with your family, friends and your opposes will be most rewarding. Others have used this material to manipulate. We prefer that you view it on a larger scope. A person who is able to see only that he can gain a mechanical advantage by putting a long handle on a water pump sees only one application. A long pump handle not only provides a mechanical advantage but also permits two people to work together on the handle."

Being married to my now ex-husband taught me to watch my own non-verbal language. He used to lecture me for hours. Trying to be the good wife, I would attempt to control my body language; avoiding the yawning, tapping, fidgeting, foot wiggling, folded arms, crossed legs, the blank stare. Not always with success.... lol

Since then I have been watching my body language with my kids. Do I show that I am interested in what they are saying, stop what I am doing and look at them when they are speaking, making eye contact? What am I communicating when we are having conflict? That I am interested in a win-win solution or that am I uncompromising?  I am learning to watch them for subtle cues. Are they uncomfortable, lying, angry, unhappy....? 

It is an interesting process but not always easy.

Until next time ;o)

Book # 4

"How Tough Moms Succeed in Tough Times" by Tiffany Berg: 

Recovered Addict, Motivational Speaker, Mrs. Utah United States 2007

Okay, funny story. I picked up this book at a second hand store. The title caught my eye first. I am a tough mom, but truthfully, this last month I have felt like a woman in the boxing ring, fighting to stay up all 15 rounds. Nothing too terrible happened, its just where I'm at. The next thing that caught my eye, was the picture behind the title. My eyes popped out! There was an exposed pregnant belly with $20 bills hanging out of the woman's pants. It looked like a pregnant stripper. And I thought, "What the heck! Is this woman suggesting that we become strippers as a means to succeed? Count me out!" It is really a weird cover. 

But maybe she did it to get people's attention, who knows. I bought it, right?  

Its a short book, just 93 pages. And it wasn't what I expected by a long shot. She tells her story of addiction since she was a young teen, and again as a mother of 5 children. How after she overcame that, she competed in a beauty pageant and won. And then she was in an auto accident where she suffered a traumatic brain injury that left parts of her paralyzed and with major memory loss and dizziness. Slowly most function returned or she learned to compensate. Then as she and her family were settling down to a successful life, her husband discovered he had oral cancer. He was self employed, without health insurance and so they lost their home. He was treated, but it came back several years later, after they had started rebuilding their lives. They lost their home again. And finally, how they started the non-profit charitable organization called the Heart 2 Home Foundation which renovates homes for needy people, such as Stacy Hansen, who was injured in the Trolley Square shootings and needed his home to be made wheelchair accessible.

Her story is an inspiring one but not very well told. I hated the cover and the editing was terrible. But I liked the things she had to say about being tough and raising tough kids. And that is what I want to share.

Chapter 1, "Between a rock and a hard place" deals with the dilemma we face in raising Junior. How can we raise our children to succeed in tough times verses how can we make them comfortable enough so that they aren't negatively affected during tough times? "Sadly, no mother is so powerful as to insulate her child from tough times. Period. The only solution is to train your child with the skills of resiliency so THEY can navigate through tough times, even WITHOUT you, no matter how uncomfortable they are." 

In chapter 2, "Emotionally Shaken Baby Syndrome", Tiffany tells us that kids need connection, connection with us, their parents. "Research on teen bullying, gangs, substance abuse and recovery, youth gambling, sexually transmitted diseases, teen pregnancy, academic failure or success, shows us repeatedly that parent involvement makes a difference in every positive or negative end result." She shared how her mother used to take them to play board games with the kids living in homeless shelters. She said that planted seeds of compassion in her heart and taught her that she was very blessed. And when people raised funds for her husband's cancer surgeries, she used the experience to teach her children how blessed they were. She said, "They knew they weren't the center of the universe, but they knew they were absolutely connected to it." I liked that part. We don't want our kids to grow up believing that they are the most important, but we want them to know that they are important!

Chapter 3 is titled "Down on my luck, not on myself." Tiffany begins by quoting Author Karen Scalf Linamen who wrote, "Due to rising energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off!" She explains that when tough things happen to us, sometimes it is difficult not to take those hard times personally. She tries to help us separate what is happening to us verses what is happening through us. Many bad things that happen to us are not our fault. They just happen. And how we respond to them is the only thing we really have control over. She says that we must be careful, because although our circumstances may be difficult and may change daily, our personal values should never change. She said, "You are not your debt, although it may direct you to better choices. You are not your illness, although it may help you to appreciate life more. You are not your limitations, but they may inspire you to new goals....No matter how down on your luck you are, you still get to choose how you see it and what you will do with it."

Chapter 4 is "Tough cookies don't crumble" This chapter deals with serious life crisis and how we respond. Zig Ziglar wrote, "How we choose to respond, how we choose to move forward in our lives, how we choose to develop and grow spiritually, and how we choose to turn to God in our trust and faith will determine the future effectiveness of our lives." Tiffany continued, "In the face of trouble, crumbling (or the path of least resistance) feels like the easiest path. As a recovered alcoholic, I keep in the forefront of my mind, that in the past I have dealt with stress and grief by self medicating. Knowing this about myself, I am able to ask for help and accountability when I feel overwhelmed.... What keeps you from crumbling?" she asks. "Sometimes what keeps us from crumbling is staying engaged when we want to isolate. Sometimes what keeps us together is telling the truth about our circumstances." I found this to be absolutely true when I experienced life after my husband's death 7 years ago, especially the part about wanting to isolate. Having 4 sons, plus another on the way, it was imperative that I keep functioning, and that is what kept me from crumbling. We donated many of my husbands organs to save the lives of others, and that kept me engaged in a greater cause than just dwelling on my grief. Tiffany said, "when you are going through tough times you must seek out those stories of courage and heroism to give you the how to's that won't come from anywhere else.....Use the grief energy to fuel your hunger for wisdom. Fill that emptiness with the tools to stand up to your challenge. It will make the difference."

Chapter 5 is "When you are going through hell". Tiffany tells the story of when her husband went through his jaw replacement surgery. She said it was truly hell. But she was given an experience where "Suddenly hell, or what I thought was hell; and heaven, a place where angels live and Jesus walks, became the same....God had allowed me a moment of vision into a place and a deepness I never would want to go, yet, I didn't want to leave." She decided that "hell is really a question...How Exactly will you Live and Love? How will you live? What will you do with your time? What will you fight for? And how will you love? Will  you love deeply? Will you love with compassion? Will you love even when it hurts? Will you love even when it is less than glamorous and less than convenient? And will you love people all the way to Jesus? Trust me. That may take you through a little bit of hell. Are you willing to go there?" That last bit was tough on me. After going through my divorce, I realized that sometimes my answer would be "no". And that is confusing to me. Does that make me weak, or strong?  

Chapter 6 is fun. In "Boobs and Barbie" she tells the story of how Barbie was invented. Barbie was created by Ruth and Elliot Handler, along with their friend Harold Matson. "Ruth wanted little girls to imagine being women, all grown up with grown up curves, grown up possibilities, woman's clothing, furnishings, even career choices...She wanted girls to be excited about their physical changes and the lives they could live as women...Years passed and Elliot and Ruth sold their very successful business. Ruth became ill. She had breast cancer....The woman who made the first doll with breasts had breast cancer...(She) created a new product....one of the first prosthetics for women recovering from mastectomies. Her new company, "Nearly Me" fashioned the first comfortable, natural-looking breast prosthetics in familiar bras sizes. Her insights into what females needed for their own self-acceptance and self-esteem inspired Barbie and ironically, breast prosthetics." The author's point was that many people, women especially, criticized Ruth for inventing Barbie. She said that often we are critical of what we see on the outside but we don't know the whole story. Instead we should empathize with each other and have compassion. "Compassion lifts!" 

In Chapter 7, she tells us it is "Time for big girl pants!" She told about the tough times she went through and how after a life time of addiction, she decided "this time, no matter how hard it got, no matter how much pain medication there was in my face (for her husband after his surgery) I would not sell out. It was time to be a big girl....the battles you fight today require you to grow up...we decide as BIG GIRLS that we aren't going to waste our lives, our resources, or waste our talent any longer." I loved that! How many times have you wanted to say something like that to someone you know?

Chapter 8 is titled "Your Inner Bitch". Sarah Palin told this joke, "You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick." Tiffany reminds us that a bitch is a female dog and "tough moms have a pit-bull tenacity when it comes to their kids that brings out fight and aggression that would be uncharacteristic in any other setting....protecting that precious territory against ruthless predators is essential....simply being a hostile mom doesn't make you a wise bodyguard to your child...baring your fangs and growling like a pit bull when drugs, violence, suicidal thinking, pornography, or gangs reach your property line, can ultimately save your child's life...while it may not be popular, tough moms know the safety and souls of their children are at stake." She also mentions that our kids need to understand that we are committed to their safety and success. And I liked it when she said, "it is better to make LESS money, be away from the home LESS and give your child LESS freedom in questionable areas; because in those areas, LESS will always bring your child MORE connection with family, MORE accountability where it matters, MORE direction, MORE security, and MORE of the right kind of safety. Tough moms are LESS worried about their child being popular, and MORE worried about their child having a balanced future. Tough moms would rather give their child LESS amusement and entertainment, LESS comfort and ease if it means MORE strength of character and MORE depth of conviction in their lives." Amen

Chapter 9 is "When Push comes to Shove". This was a hard one for me. Mostly because when I make up my mind about something, I am am like a freight train; Hop on or get out of the way! Unfortunately, sometimes I am like a train without a driver (my brain). Tiffany said, "As we moms look at our circumstances, and we hunger for a good outcome, more success, more stability...sometimes we lose sight of the most important lesson because we inaccurately focus our energy. While our determination to change our lives may be fueled by the frustration we have about our circumstances, the fulfillment we seek won't come if we push in the wrong places. The most valuable part of the success process is who we become THROUGH our trials and challenges, not the end result itself...Anger is only as powerful as the courage it creates: courage then gives you focus, determination, conviction, and insight into HOW to change and overcome your circumstances."

Chapter 10 was the one that I am actively seeking at this moment. It is titled "I'm with Stupid" and deals with stupid parenting. Remember I am dealing with a difficult 6 year old at the moment, and I admit I am guilty of some really stupid parenting the last 6 years. She says, "The key is to raise well-behaved, empathetic children so that in tough times they HELP you, not CHALLENGE you because you are on the same team....Sadly, if you do not teach your child to "play well in the sandbox", society will, and not in ways that you will like."  Sigh........I have decided that I am sending my 6 year old to school next fall. I have home schooled him for his first 2 years of school. It is not going well. His first year I was distracted by a man who was jealous of the time that I spent with my son. Now either because of the lack of focus and discipline that first year, or because of his personality, maybe both, we butt heads constantly. And now I am faced with the fact that he is not socialized to the school environment and I am faced with having to teach him to "play well in the sandbox". We would really be happy if he played nice at home too! "On a daily basis parents have the ability to inventory their children's behavior and make adjustments. Every parent CAN change the course of their child's temperament through incremental enforcement." But believe me, incremental enforcement over 6 years would have been a lot easier on both me and my son, than the crash course in better behavior that I am going to have to teach him in the next 6 months. Wish me luck!

"Cut the fluff. It's not so cute" is the title of chapter 11. Tiffany says, "Sadly, some of us ladies have grown up believing that it is better to be cute and superficial that to be honest and criticized. By doing so, we shortchange ourselves and the people around us by offering them fluff rather than substance. If we perpetually live at the shallow end of the pool, we undermine our own success when tough times come. Having never asserted ourselves, or braved the unknown, we lack direction of purpose and clarity about our own true potential. With tough economic challenges upon us, we have the opportunity to look beyond the "cute" politically correct response and reach deeper inside ourselves for renewed vision and personal discipline." Whew! Ain't that deep! She then goes on to describe how during WWII, "women entered the workforce bringing their ingenuity, their tenacity, their muscles and their commitment....(and) today we are at another crossroads in our country's economy....tough mom's fear what's ahead. It's a precarious time, but it is also an exciting time....This is the time to engage yourself in your purpose and your dreams and create positive change in the world around you!" Makes you really think, doesn't it? And I liked it when she said, "Whether single moms, wives, widows, or never married, we ladies must take responsibility for the state of our own lives; financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically."

Chapter 12 is titled "Nothing changes if nothing changes". This chapter deals with how sometimes our lives feel as if they are stagnated or as if they are at an impasse (a position from which progress is impossible). "If you are at a point of impasse in your life and nothing seems to bring about real fruition, taking a candid assessment can be helpful. Ask yourself these five determining questions:

1. Am I feeling disconnected from my life?

2. Am I lonely?

3. Am I self-medicating in any way? 

4. Am I hiding habits of problems?

5. Am I sharing my feelings on a regular basis?

Impasse or lack of movement in one's life can cause feelings of low self-esteem and depression. Often we reach a feeling of impasse or stagnation not because our lives are unfulfilling, but because we have reached an intersection. Our lack of energy or low passion level comes because we are at a crossroads and we haven't made a decision about which way to go." She tells us that these intersections often come after big changes in our lives, or after we have met an important goal or deadline. Afterward, we wait for something else to happen and when it doesn't we feel depressed, lonely, or trapped. "The reality is that we are not trapped at all. In moments of impasse, we simply need to choose a direction and begin a new path." I agree wholeheartedly with that, but I have learned through personal experience that it doesn't always take away the depression. Sometimes we just have to learn to live with depression as our companion. Our shadow. But that is just my opinion. How I cope.

Chapter 13 is "3 Golden Statements that transform kids" Tiffany said, "I have found that with 3 specific statements you can effectively train your child to see others more respectfully, while at the same time giving them greater vision for their own life and personal power. The secret is this: you must adopt these 3 statements too!" 

1. I CAN DO TOUGH! From a toddler who is frustrated and throwing a tantrum...to a teen who is struggling with Algerbra, speak the words, "You can do tough. You've done tough things in the past. You are a tough cookie! I know you can do tough! I believe in you." She then tells us not to rescue your child but allow them to work through it and learn that they can do it. Then when they succeed, you can tell them that you knew they could do tough...You knew it all along. "You are tough! I'm so proud of you."

2. I AM A PROBLEM SOLVER! "We have the ability as adults to determine the long term outcome of our challenges through our attitudes and choices. Children are ony beginning to learn the power of their intentions and can be taught to transform difficulty into destiny....when our children come to us exasperated and overwhelmed, frustrated by their circumstances, we can encourage them. "You are a problem solver! I'll bet there are several ways you can solve this and turn it around. Can you think of one way?" If we share resolutions too quickly we hinder our children from thinking it through themselves."

3. I AM NOT MY "BLANK". Children (and adults) need to realize that they are not their face, their hair, their body, their house, their furniture, their job, their education, their stuff, their debt, their addiction. Our emphasis should stay on our personal value, our identity, our love. "With the struggles facing our families financially and emotionally, it is essential that our kids understand the hierarchy of value....flashy media images are not going to do that!"

You will get the girl if you drive this car.

You will be cool if you drink this product.

You will be successful if you buy this stock through us.

You will be the hit of the party if you serve this snack.

You will turn boys on if you wear this perfume.

You will be loved by your family if you cook this food.

How stupid is that.....

Chapter 14, "Million Dollar Assets.  "I am just a mom. How am I supposed to get through this?" Anthony Robbins has said, There is no lack of resources, only a lack of resourcefulness" And Tiffany said that "Moms that find themselves in dire straights often become the best researchers for funding, cures, forums, and legislation for change."

TENACITY

HOPE

VISION

STABILITY

CREATIVITY

WISDOM

ENCOURAGEMENT

ORGANIZATION

FUN

LEADERSHIP

COMPASSION. 

"This is just a list of some of the million dollar assests you may possess already. How you package and sell these assests will make all of the difference in your ability to be effective in your life goals....Too often we think small or limit how much we share or stop short of creating positive impact because we doubt the value of our gifts and skills."

Chapter 15...Work it! Own it! This chapter talks about how we need to be good stewards over our bodies. "they are our mobility and our machines. One of the best ways we moms can invest in the success of our families is to take care of ourselves physically...you have a stewardship that includes your mind (what you put in it) your body (how you care for it) your personal space (how you maintain it) and your soul (how you direct it)." For me, this really hit home when I became my children's only living parent. What would happen to them if something happened to me? After I got over the initial depression of being alone, I decided that I wanted to be there for my kids. Not just there, but really there; active and fun and able to do things with them. A few years after my husband's death we stayed in a cabin near a lake. The lake was only a mile up the trail and it wasn't even a very steep trail, but it still took me 4 tries before I made it to the lake. It was sad to be left behind and miss out on the experience of my sons seeing Lake Mary for the first time. I vowed it wouldn't happen again. I have since gotten in shape and am determined to stay in shape until I am 90. I want to hike to Lake Mary with my grandchildren!

"Limit your carry on items" is the title of chapter 16. This chapter explains how so much of  "the emotional garbage that we carry around as moms isn't even ours to carry.... Like sponges, we moms have a tendency to soak up the guilt for our kids, mop up the hurt feelings at the office, and iron the wrinkles out of the extended family clashes....how do we act balanced in our lives when emotionally we are bent over with loads that are so unbalanced?...To be present in a real crisis, and to look into the face of those things that truly need to be addressed, we tough moms can't be packing around extra baggage....The value we attach to trivial emotional baggage distracts us from the truly significant battles that matter...when we calmly acknowledge the circumstances in our lives and maintain healthy boundaries, setting limits on emotional baggage we will carry, we can cultivate a sense of being sovereign, self governing, independent, unmoved by the trivial."  I have a neighbor who is in her 80's. She is a wise, kind woman who I respect highly. She once said to me, while I was telling her about a dilemma I faced, "Elise, you are a very talented woman. There is just one thing that you aren't very good at. And that is saying NO!" Her influence helped me to see what was truly important to ME and helped me weed out the rest.

Chapter 17 is titled "Friends don't let friends shop stupid". What "tough moms need is someone to be blunt and teach us to be smart with our money. When our financial world is crumbling, we need concrete advice, strategy and accountability." Uhg! Not my strongest area... She says, "Ladies, don't live in a fantasy thinking other people will be able to care for you later in life."  Poop. I like that fantasy....lol..."Take responsibility and at least begin to be more money smart."

Chapter 18 is all about "Throw(ing) your hammer over the fence." "Our kids pick up on the things we say, even when we don't think they are listening. Not only do they hear our words, but they also hear our limiting beliefs behind those words....Sadly if we truly believe that we are too small to impact this world, we subconsciously send that message to our kids."  Tiffany asks, "Do you need lifting? Perhaps it is time to throw your hammer over the fence and get on board with a group or project that is bigger than yourself. You may discover that the fulfillment you hungered for in your own life was simply a need to fill the lives of others with something they couldn't do for themselves."

"Being a tough mom requires us to be strong during (these) tough times. It requires us to be tenacious, full of hope, and determination to find solutions because we know what is at stake. When tough times come, remember...everyone just wants to go home. 

Moms--be there."

Well...here I am...

Reading...

Writing...

Until next time...

;o)