Dynamic People Skills
Developing Relationships That Develop Success
By Dexter Yager with Ron Ball
This is a book I've had since our Amway days. I was looking for a relationship book that wasn't specific towards the male / female relationship. I have a bunch of success type books, like "How to Win Friends and Influence People" but I haven't read this book before, so I chose this one and it was a quick read.
I wanted to share a little story related about the author in the prologue. Dexter was playing checkers with a man named Bruce. Dexter was winning with 5 black pieces and Bruce had 2 red pieces. After studying the situation, Bruce said, "I can't beat you--the odds are too great against me." Without a word, Dexter turned the board around so that he was playing the 2 red pieces and Bruce had the 5 black. He then said with a twinkle in his eye, "Why don't we keep playing and see how it turns out?" The game continued and after about ten minutes, Dexter won. He always believed that successful people never ever quit, no matter what the odds appear to be.
The introduction is titled "The key to success in life" and talks about how you can have a degree from a top university, years of experience in your field, you can be a technical expert; but unless you develop your skills with people, you are not going to achieve very much in life. It talks about conflict, about understanding ourselves and others, and about developing people skills; not so that you can get your way with others, but to do it so that you can help other people and to grow in your own life. It also said that getting along with people doesn't always mean giving people what they want. I've learned that the hard way.....
at least I hope I've learned...lol!
at least I hope I've learned...lol!
Part one: Developing Dynamic Relationships.
Chapter one: Situations Change When You Change.
A. Growing Up. "If you are going to be a success, you're going to have to be an adult to do it. And to be an adult, you've got to relate to other people as an adult. In order to grow in people skills, you've got to grow up first." It talks about how many people are still operating like teenagers...ego-centered, vain, narcissistic, stubborn, who get bent out of shape when they don't get what they want.
B. Characteristics of an immature person.
1. Living in the immediate.
2. Short on discipline.
3. Dominated by emotions.
4. Limited knowledge without knowledge of the limits.
5. Operating from a sentimentality base, not a reality base.
6. Sexually absorbed.
7. Identity sensitive.
C. Ten obstacles to personal change.
C. Ten obstacles to personal change.
1. Get rid of the positive cover...meaning that some people talk positive but
really aren't. It's just camouflage.
2. Avoid the hidden hooks of life....meaning we get into patterns of behavior that
meet our needs temporarily but do a lot of damage in the long run.
3. Get rid of your comfort blanket...meaning that middle of the road, mediocrity
that keep people feeling safe.
4. Give up deceptive desires...meaning all those wishes we have in life that we are
not willing to back up with action. I understand this one well. For years I wanted
to run a marathon. After years of being disappointed in myself because it never
happened, I realized that I don't want to run a marathon. I didn't like
running that much. I would rather get my exercise in other ways. I just thought
it sounded cool. Now I don't beat myself up over not running a marathon, I just
focus on the goals that I have decided are really important to me.
5. Quit being suspicious of change. "Experts in mental health say that people who
are psychologically healthy are people who enjoy the challenge and excitement
of change. They don't resist it..." Hmmmmm.......I could be one of those
unhealthy people.
6. Spring the trap of small thinking....."When you let trivial things matter, when
you care about petty stuff more than important issues and relationships, you've
been trapped by small thinking.
7. Don't ignore the passing of time. "Procrastination is like a narcotic, dulling the
senses with "down the road" promises that never come true. I love that quote!
8. Avoid fantasy filled failure. "A lot of times people who fail create fantasies to
convince themselves they haven't really failed at all." That is my ex-husband.
He thought that since he was not the one to ever give up on a relationship, then
he wasn't the one to blame. You would think that he would get a clue when
every woman he has been in a relationship with has given up on him.
9. Destroy lethal laziness before it destroys you....no explanation necessary.
10. Quit sabotaging yourself by focusing on yourself. "No matter where you look,
giving is the basis of all success. Focus on yourself, and over the long haul,
you will fail in life. Focus on the needs of others and you will meet with great
success."
D. A responsible maturity...."Almost everyone today seems to feel entitled to
all sorts of successes, adventures, and joys right now without having to make
any great sacrifices to get them....It's definitely time for us all to grow up, to climb
over that wall of our overgrown adolescence and get back to the clarity of
being personally responsible for our own lives. When we do, we will see some
real and lasting changes take place."
Chapter two: Positive Patterns For Success.
A. Nailing down the Non-Negotiables, which are the things in our lives which we will not sacrifice or compromise for anything else.
B. Personal Non-Negotiables are:
1. Health
2. Family and Friends
3. Morality
4. Spiritual Life
C. Sticking to your Non-Negotiables. "Determine what your non-negotiables are and stick to them... Its a simple decision, but it takes strength to stand tall when the going gets tough. And it always gets tough."
D. Developing principles for successful living.
1. Behavior builders
a. Make friends with the realities of life.
b. Take responsibility for your actions, and reactions.
c. Choose inspiring role models.
d. Get excited by the possibilities.
e. Get a direction and a mission.
f . Practice forgiveness.
g. Maintain sensible security.
h. Balance time with people verses time alone.
i. Live in obedience to God.
2. Productivity Guidelines.
a. Know and control your aggravation scale. This is something that I am
learning....My ex was way off the charts on my aggravation scale.
Homeschooling my 6 year old is pushing the limits on my aggravation
scale, thus he is going to public school in the fall.
b. Be willing to stretch.
c. Ride the emotional flow of your life....basically this means to give yourself
a break when your having a tough moment.
d. Declare war on personal weakness.
e. Keep your promises.
3. The secret of a super-performer....the secret is this...."It's up to you...
You're responsible for your own choices, your own motivations, your own
responses."
responses."
Chapter 3: Moving Forward with People
A. Twenty-one dynamic people skills
1. Practice a friendly flexibility
2. Broadcast positive body language.
3. Keep your voice pleasant.
4. Express convictions appropriately.
5. Listen attentively.
6. Be prepared.
7. Be authentic.
8. Find a connection.
9. Build bridges.
10. Be empathetic
11. Stand firm
12. Defuse conflict.
13. Focus on a solution.
14. Use a "can you help me?" approach.
15. Practice the "duck" response....don't let things bother you.
Let them roll off your back. I wish I were a better duck....
Let them roll off your back. I wish I were a better duck....
16. Develop a sense of humor.
17. Express genuine praise and appreciation.
18. Exude Happiness.
19. Make change easy.
20. Become a storyteller.
21. Pray with and for people.
Chapter 4: "How to stay motivated forever."
A. What motivates people?
1. Desire for respect
2. A sense of legacy.
3. A need for financial security.
B. The pursuit of pleasure - we are all motivated by things that bring us pleasure
1. Unreached goals of childhood
2. Desire for power.
3. Desire for good health
4. Desire to please God
5. Helping others
6. The joy of life itself.
C. Motivation Murders.
1. Withdrawal from relationships
2. Loss of energy
3. Moral Muck
4. Surrendering to doubt
5. Trying to be somebody else.
6. Gorillas from the past.
7. Laziness and pessimism
8. Guilt
D. Staying Motivated
1. Focus on your dream
2. Remember who you influence
3. Remember honor and duty
4. Keep good role models in front of you.
5. Get your daily surge - a power surge from God.
6. Just do it!
Part Two: Knocking out negatives that spoil your relationships.
Chapter 5: Deal with regret
A. Sources of regret
1. Emotional baggage.
2. Halfheartedness
3. Deliberately hurting someone
4. Missed opportunities
5. Not taking care of yourself
6. Financial missteps
7. Relationship blunders
8. Unfulfilled personal expectations
B. Why it's hard to deal with regret
1. Fear of personal guilt
2. Fear of ingoing damage.
3. Fear of emotional exhaustion
4. Powerless depression
5. Spontaneous anger.
C. How to handle regret
1. Make a clean sweep
2. Commit to a forward focus
3. Be your own best friend
4. Develop a disciplined memory - refuse to remember negatives and failures.
5. Practice thankfulness
6. Get a strong dose of "so what?" - don't get bent out of shape by the small stuff.
7. Concentrate on giving.
8. Acknowledge a spiritual base.
9. Believe in yourself.
D. Turning your life around - "Here's a challenge. Step out of yourself and look at things as if you were a troubleshooter CEO who had been hired to turn around your own company. You've been given all the money, support, and resources to do your job.You've got permission to make a clean sweep and do anything you want to do, change anything you want to change. What will you do?"
Chapter 6: Overcoming Rejection
A. Seven reasons people reject you
1. You've become a threat to their lack of performance.
2. Jealousy.
3. Reluctance to change
4. Misconceptions.
5. Mistrust
6. Dislike
7. Experiences of personal rejection and disappointments.
B. How rejection affects you
1. It cause you to doubt your judgment
2. It challenges relationships you thought were secure.
3. It feeds your natural insecurity
4. It cracks your confidence
5. It attacks your most basic motivation.
C. How NOT to respond to rejection
1. Rapid retreat
2. Sell-out to self-doubt
3. Camouflaged compromise
4. Approval Pursuit
5. Becoming a turtle
6. Recycling the rejection
7. Rejection reflection
D. Right ways to respond to rejection
1. Spiritual clarity
2. Battle training
3. A love of excellence
4. True Grit: gives you three things--emotional control,
mental discipline, the power of chosen optimism.
mental discipline, the power of chosen optimism.
Chapter 7: Get a grip on your ego
A. How's your ego doing?
1. You feel secretly hurt or resentful when other people are recognized or rewarded.
2. You tend to resist new information
3. You talk about yourself too much.
4. You tend to de-edify other people.
5. You resist constructive feedback.
6. You treat the laws of God lightly.
B. How to retain humility
1. Never lose your sense of wonder at what you're learning from others.
2. Cultivate gratefulness
3. Pray for a giving attitude
4. Make people your priority.
5. Learn to see yourself from God's perspective.
Chapter 8: Eliminate Negative Patterns
Chapter 8: Eliminate Negative Patterns
A. Negative Relationship Patterns
1. Temperamentalism
2. Response laziness
3. Reaction ruts
4. Relational fantasies
5. Operating from assumptions, not facts.
6. Pouring negatives onto others
7. Manipulation games
8. Attack of the raptor
B. Changing Negative Patterns
1. Don't be trapped by perfectionism
2. Don't ignore your vulnerabilities
3. Be with strong people when you are feeling vulnerable, not those that
have the same weaknesses as you are struggling with.
C. Turning Negative Patterns into positive ones.
1. Recognize the specific skill killers you've been using in your own life.
2. Realize the negative ways these things have been affecting you and
your relationships.
3. Understand you don't have to give in to negative patterns, you can
still choose.
4. Ask God and a few people you trust for help in keeping you
accountable as you chip away at the skill killers one by one.
5. Keep moving ahead with relationships, not being afraid to
make mistakes while you're growing in your people skills.
Part Three: Understanding Who You Are
Chapter 9: Choosing your view of human nature
A. The Humanistic View of People
1. Life is primarily a physical phenomenon
2. People are simply and advanced form of animal life.
3. People are morally neutral
4. People are naturally capable of unlimited improvement
5. People are environmentally controlled and developed.
B. The Christian View of People
1. People are created in God's image.
2. We're a flawed creation
3. God made recovery possible
4. We have abundant life when we obey Him instead of letting our egos rule.
C. Be careful of judgment. "Don't ever let your personal judgments destroy the potential in a relationship. No matter how seriously you disagree with someone else's perspective, deeply respect their right to have it. Treat them with the same kindness and courtesy you desire for yourself."
Chapter Ten: Emotions and how they work
A. Negative emotions
1. Fear
2. Worry
3. Depression
4. Anger
5. Hatred
B. Five positive emotions
1. Desire
2. Confidence
3. Excitement
4. Happiness
5. Love
C. How emotions work
1. Emotions are responders--not initiators
2. Emotions follow and ebb-and-flow pattern
3. Emotions have only the power you give them
4. Emotions can be mistaken
D. Mastering your emotions
1. Understand them
2. Accept them
3. Control them
Part Four: Building a powerful marriage
Chapter Eleven: Looking for a life partner
A. Wrong reasons for dating
1. Sex
2. Status
3. Social pressure
B. Right reasons for dating
1. To honor God
2. To build up the other person
3. For personal development
4. To prepare for marriage
C. Vital qualities in the person you date
1. Respect
2. Good manners
3. Emotional stability
4. Sense of humor
5. Things in common
6. Strong identity
7. Be the right kind of person yourself
D. How to have a great date.
1. Guard your affections
2. Plan and organize
3. Get to know your date's family
4. Pray together
Chapter Twelve: Keys to a fulfilling marriage
A. Communication Blockages
1. Controlling
2. Crushing
3. Ridiculing.... I liked what the author had to say about this and so I'm going to give you a long quote about this one. He said, "When you're doing it yourself, you usually call it "kidding around"... Its the kind of humor that pokes fun at your spouse (or someone else) using their weaknesses or mistakes as an opportunity to laugh at their expense. It's actually another way to crush a person's dignity. And yet when your spouse resists or reacts negatively, you respond with amazement. "I was only kidding. Can't you even take a joke?" I think its important to understand something that psychologists have discovered: your subconscious can't take a joke. It doesn't know the difference between input that's given in jest and input that's given otherwise. Negative input affects your self image, whether it was a joke or not....Your subconscious accepted it as valid. In marriage its vital to protect the dignity of your partner. Think of yourself as the guardian of his or her self esteem. It's great to have fun together, but whenever you make a personal joke, make sure its about yourself, not anybody else. I can tell you from experience that the camouflaged insults of misdirected humor can do critical damage to your relationship."
4. Functionalism
5. Negative comparisons
6. Extra curricular satisfaction (meeting your needs outside the home)
7. Lack of responsibility and discipline
8. Inability to accept reality
9. Living by lies
B. How to restore intimacy
1. Respect your partner
2. Act and speak with honesty
3. Lead in Love
4. Protect your source
5. Dream together and celebrate
6. Make sex a priority
7. Be united spiritually
I apologize for the boring outline. As I got going I realized that even though it was a fairly short book, it was jam packed with information and I couldn't comment on all of it. So if you are interested in the info in this book, I will loan it to you.
Until next time ;o)
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