Book # 4

"How Tough Moms Succeed in Tough Times" by Tiffany Berg: 

Recovered Addict, Motivational Speaker, Mrs. Utah United States 2007

Okay, funny story. I picked up this book at a second hand store. The title caught my eye first. I am a tough mom, but truthfully, this last month I have felt like a woman in the boxing ring, fighting to stay up all 15 rounds. Nothing too terrible happened, its just where I'm at. The next thing that caught my eye, was the picture behind the title. My eyes popped out! There was an exposed pregnant belly with $20 bills hanging out of the woman's pants. It looked like a pregnant stripper. And I thought, "What the heck! Is this woman suggesting that we become strippers as a means to succeed? Count me out!" It is really a weird cover. 

But maybe she did it to get people's attention, who knows. I bought it, right?  

Its a short book, just 93 pages. And it wasn't what I expected by a long shot. She tells her story of addiction since she was a young teen, and again as a mother of 5 children. How after she overcame that, she competed in a beauty pageant and won. And then she was in an auto accident where she suffered a traumatic brain injury that left parts of her paralyzed and with major memory loss and dizziness. Slowly most function returned or she learned to compensate. Then as she and her family were settling down to a successful life, her husband discovered he had oral cancer. He was self employed, without health insurance and so they lost their home. He was treated, but it came back several years later, after they had started rebuilding their lives. They lost their home again. And finally, how they started the non-profit charitable organization called the Heart 2 Home Foundation which renovates homes for needy people, such as Stacy Hansen, who was injured in the Trolley Square shootings and needed his home to be made wheelchair accessible.

Her story is an inspiring one but not very well told. I hated the cover and the editing was terrible. But I liked the things she had to say about being tough and raising tough kids. And that is what I want to share.

Chapter 1, "Between a rock and a hard place" deals with the dilemma we face in raising Junior. How can we raise our children to succeed in tough times verses how can we make them comfortable enough so that they aren't negatively affected during tough times? "Sadly, no mother is so powerful as to insulate her child from tough times. Period. The only solution is to train your child with the skills of resiliency so THEY can navigate through tough times, even WITHOUT you, no matter how uncomfortable they are." 

In chapter 2, "Emotionally Shaken Baby Syndrome", Tiffany tells us that kids need connection, connection with us, their parents. "Research on teen bullying, gangs, substance abuse and recovery, youth gambling, sexually transmitted diseases, teen pregnancy, academic failure or success, shows us repeatedly that parent involvement makes a difference in every positive or negative end result." She shared how her mother used to take them to play board games with the kids living in homeless shelters. She said that planted seeds of compassion in her heart and taught her that she was very blessed. And when people raised funds for her husband's cancer surgeries, she used the experience to teach her children how blessed they were. She said, "They knew they weren't the center of the universe, but they knew they were absolutely connected to it." I liked that part. We don't want our kids to grow up believing that they are the most important, but we want them to know that they are important!

Chapter 3 is titled "Down on my luck, not on myself." Tiffany begins by quoting Author Karen Scalf Linamen who wrote, "Due to rising energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off!" She explains that when tough things happen to us, sometimes it is difficult not to take those hard times personally. She tries to help us separate what is happening to us verses what is happening through us. Many bad things that happen to us are not our fault. They just happen. And how we respond to them is the only thing we really have control over. She says that we must be careful, because although our circumstances may be difficult and may change daily, our personal values should never change. She said, "You are not your debt, although it may direct you to better choices. You are not your illness, although it may help you to appreciate life more. You are not your limitations, but they may inspire you to new goals....No matter how down on your luck you are, you still get to choose how you see it and what you will do with it."

Chapter 4 is "Tough cookies don't crumble" This chapter deals with serious life crisis and how we respond. Zig Ziglar wrote, "How we choose to respond, how we choose to move forward in our lives, how we choose to develop and grow spiritually, and how we choose to turn to God in our trust and faith will determine the future effectiveness of our lives." Tiffany continued, "In the face of trouble, crumbling (or the path of least resistance) feels like the easiest path. As a recovered alcoholic, I keep in the forefront of my mind, that in the past I have dealt with stress and grief by self medicating. Knowing this about myself, I am able to ask for help and accountability when I feel overwhelmed.... What keeps you from crumbling?" she asks. "Sometimes what keeps us from crumbling is staying engaged when we want to isolate. Sometimes what keeps us together is telling the truth about our circumstances." I found this to be absolutely true when I experienced life after my husband's death 7 years ago, especially the part about wanting to isolate. Having 4 sons, plus another on the way, it was imperative that I keep functioning, and that is what kept me from crumbling. We donated many of my husbands organs to save the lives of others, and that kept me engaged in a greater cause than just dwelling on my grief. Tiffany said, "when you are going through tough times you must seek out those stories of courage and heroism to give you the how to's that won't come from anywhere else.....Use the grief energy to fuel your hunger for wisdom. Fill that emptiness with the tools to stand up to your challenge. It will make the difference."

Chapter 5 is "When you are going through hell". Tiffany tells the story of when her husband went through his jaw replacement surgery. She said it was truly hell. But she was given an experience where "Suddenly hell, or what I thought was hell; and heaven, a place where angels live and Jesus walks, became the same....God had allowed me a moment of vision into a place and a deepness I never would want to go, yet, I didn't want to leave." She decided that "hell is really a question...How Exactly will you Live and Love? How will you live? What will you do with your time? What will you fight for? And how will you love? Will  you love deeply? Will you love with compassion? Will you love even when it hurts? Will you love even when it is less than glamorous and less than convenient? And will you love people all the way to Jesus? Trust me. That may take you through a little bit of hell. Are you willing to go there?" That last bit was tough on me. After going through my divorce, I realized that sometimes my answer would be "no". And that is confusing to me. Does that make me weak, or strong?  

Chapter 6 is fun. In "Boobs and Barbie" she tells the story of how Barbie was invented. Barbie was created by Ruth and Elliot Handler, along with their friend Harold Matson. "Ruth wanted little girls to imagine being women, all grown up with grown up curves, grown up possibilities, woman's clothing, furnishings, even career choices...She wanted girls to be excited about their physical changes and the lives they could live as women...Years passed and Elliot and Ruth sold their very successful business. Ruth became ill. She had breast cancer....The woman who made the first doll with breasts had breast cancer...(She) created a new product....one of the first prosthetics for women recovering from mastectomies. Her new company, "Nearly Me" fashioned the first comfortable, natural-looking breast prosthetics in familiar bras sizes. Her insights into what females needed for their own self-acceptance and self-esteem inspired Barbie and ironically, breast prosthetics." The author's point was that many people, women especially, criticized Ruth for inventing Barbie. She said that often we are critical of what we see on the outside but we don't know the whole story. Instead we should empathize with each other and have compassion. "Compassion lifts!" 

In Chapter 7, she tells us it is "Time for big girl pants!" She told about the tough times she went through and how after a life time of addiction, she decided "this time, no matter how hard it got, no matter how much pain medication there was in my face (for her husband after his surgery) I would not sell out. It was time to be a big girl....the battles you fight today require you to grow up...we decide as BIG GIRLS that we aren't going to waste our lives, our resources, or waste our talent any longer." I loved that! How many times have you wanted to say something like that to someone you know?

Chapter 8 is titled "Your Inner Bitch". Sarah Palin told this joke, "You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick." Tiffany reminds us that a bitch is a female dog and "tough moms have a pit-bull tenacity when it comes to their kids that brings out fight and aggression that would be uncharacteristic in any other setting....protecting that precious territory against ruthless predators is essential....simply being a hostile mom doesn't make you a wise bodyguard to your child...baring your fangs and growling like a pit bull when drugs, violence, suicidal thinking, pornography, or gangs reach your property line, can ultimately save your child's life...while it may not be popular, tough moms know the safety and souls of their children are at stake." She also mentions that our kids need to understand that we are committed to their safety and success. And I liked it when she said, "it is better to make LESS money, be away from the home LESS and give your child LESS freedom in questionable areas; because in those areas, LESS will always bring your child MORE connection with family, MORE accountability where it matters, MORE direction, MORE security, and MORE of the right kind of safety. Tough moms are LESS worried about their child being popular, and MORE worried about their child having a balanced future. Tough moms would rather give their child LESS amusement and entertainment, LESS comfort and ease if it means MORE strength of character and MORE depth of conviction in their lives." Amen

Chapter 9 is "When Push comes to Shove". This was a hard one for me. Mostly because when I make up my mind about something, I am am like a freight train; Hop on or get out of the way! Unfortunately, sometimes I am like a train without a driver (my brain). Tiffany said, "As we moms look at our circumstances, and we hunger for a good outcome, more success, more stability...sometimes we lose sight of the most important lesson because we inaccurately focus our energy. While our determination to change our lives may be fueled by the frustration we have about our circumstances, the fulfillment we seek won't come if we push in the wrong places. The most valuable part of the success process is who we become THROUGH our trials and challenges, not the end result itself...Anger is only as powerful as the courage it creates: courage then gives you focus, determination, conviction, and insight into HOW to change and overcome your circumstances."

Chapter 10 was the one that I am actively seeking at this moment. It is titled "I'm with Stupid" and deals with stupid parenting. Remember I am dealing with a difficult 6 year old at the moment, and I admit I am guilty of some really stupid parenting the last 6 years. She says, "The key is to raise well-behaved, empathetic children so that in tough times they HELP you, not CHALLENGE you because you are on the same team....Sadly, if you do not teach your child to "play well in the sandbox", society will, and not in ways that you will like."  Sigh........I have decided that I am sending my 6 year old to school next fall. I have home schooled him for his first 2 years of school. It is not going well. His first year I was distracted by a man who was jealous of the time that I spent with my son. Now either because of the lack of focus and discipline that first year, or because of his personality, maybe both, we butt heads constantly. And now I am faced with the fact that he is not socialized to the school environment and I am faced with having to teach him to "play well in the sandbox". We would really be happy if he played nice at home too! "On a daily basis parents have the ability to inventory their children's behavior and make adjustments. Every parent CAN change the course of their child's temperament through incremental enforcement." But believe me, incremental enforcement over 6 years would have been a lot easier on both me and my son, than the crash course in better behavior that I am going to have to teach him in the next 6 months. Wish me luck!

"Cut the fluff. It's not so cute" is the title of chapter 11. Tiffany says, "Sadly, some of us ladies have grown up believing that it is better to be cute and superficial that to be honest and criticized. By doing so, we shortchange ourselves and the people around us by offering them fluff rather than substance. If we perpetually live at the shallow end of the pool, we undermine our own success when tough times come. Having never asserted ourselves, or braved the unknown, we lack direction of purpose and clarity about our own true potential. With tough economic challenges upon us, we have the opportunity to look beyond the "cute" politically correct response and reach deeper inside ourselves for renewed vision and personal discipline." Whew! Ain't that deep! She then goes on to describe how during WWII, "women entered the workforce bringing their ingenuity, their tenacity, their muscles and their commitment....(and) today we are at another crossroads in our country's economy....tough mom's fear what's ahead. It's a precarious time, but it is also an exciting time....This is the time to engage yourself in your purpose and your dreams and create positive change in the world around you!" Makes you really think, doesn't it? And I liked it when she said, "Whether single moms, wives, widows, or never married, we ladies must take responsibility for the state of our own lives; financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically."

Chapter 12 is titled "Nothing changes if nothing changes". This chapter deals with how sometimes our lives feel as if they are stagnated or as if they are at an impasse (a position from which progress is impossible). "If you are at a point of impasse in your life and nothing seems to bring about real fruition, taking a candid assessment can be helpful. Ask yourself these five determining questions:

1. Am I feeling disconnected from my life?

2. Am I lonely?

3. Am I self-medicating in any way? 

4. Am I hiding habits of problems?

5. Am I sharing my feelings on a regular basis?

Impasse or lack of movement in one's life can cause feelings of low self-esteem and depression. Often we reach a feeling of impasse or stagnation not because our lives are unfulfilling, but because we have reached an intersection. Our lack of energy or low passion level comes because we are at a crossroads and we haven't made a decision about which way to go." She tells us that these intersections often come after big changes in our lives, or after we have met an important goal or deadline. Afterward, we wait for something else to happen and when it doesn't we feel depressed, lonely, or trapped. "The reality is that we are not trapped at all. In moments of impasse, we simply need to choose a direction and begin a new path." I agree wholeheartedly with that, but I have learned through personal experience that it doesn't always take away the depression. Sometimes we just have to learn to live with depression as our companion. Our shadow. But that is just my opinion. How I cope.

Chapter 13 is "3 Golden Statements that transform kids" Tiffany said, "I have found that with 3 specific statements you can effectively train your child to see others more respectfully, while at the same time giving them greater vision for their own life and personal power. The secret is this: you must adopt these 3 statements too!" 

1. I CAN DO TOUGH! From a toddler who is frustrated and throwing a tantrum...to a teen who is struggling with Algerbra, speak the words, "You can do tough. You've done tough things in the past. You are a tough cookie! I know you can do tough! I believe in you." She then tells us not to rescue your child but allow them to work through it and learn that they can do it. Then when they succeed, you can tell them that you knew they could do tough...You knew it all along. "You are tough! I'm so proud of you."

2. I AM A PROBLEM SOLVER! "We have the ability as adults to determine the long term outcome of our challenges through our attitudes and choices. Children are ony beginning to learn the power of their intentions and can be taught to transform difficulty into destiny....when our children come to us exasperated and overwhelmed, frustrated by their circumstances, we can encourage them. "You are a problem solver! I'll bet there are several ways you can solve this and turn it around. Can you think of one way?" If we share resolutions too quickly we hinder our children from thinking it through themselves."

3. I AM NOT MY "BLANK". Children (and adults) need to realize that they are not their face, their hair, their body, their house, their furniture, their job, their education, their stuff, their debt, their addiction. Our emphasis should stay on our personal value, our identity, our love. "With the struggles facing our families financially and emotionally, it is essential that our kids understand the hierarchy of value....flashy media images are not going to do that!"

You will get the girl if you drive this car.

You will be cool if you drink this product.

You will be successful if you buy this stock through us.

You will be the hit of the party if you serve this snack.

You will turn boys on if you wear this perfume.

You will be loved by your family if you cook this food.

How stupid is that.....

Chapter 14, "Million Dollar Assets.  "I am just a mom. How am I supposed to get through this?" Anthony Robbins has said, There is no lack of resources, only a lack of resourcefulness" And Tiffany said that "Moms that find themselves in dire straights often become the best researchers for funding, cures, forums, and legislation for change."

TENACITY

HOPE

VISION

STABILITY

CREATIVITY

WISDOM

ENCOURAGEMENT

ORGANIZATION

FUN

LEADERSHIP

COMPASSION. 

"This is just a list of some of the million dollar assests you may possess already. How you package and sell these assests will make all of the difference in your ability to be effective in your life goals....Too often we think small or limit how much we share or stop short of creating positive impact because we doubt the value of our gifts and skills."

Chapter 15...Work it! Own it! This chapter talks about how we need to be good stewards over our bodies. "they are our mobility and our machines. One of the best ways we moms can invest in the success of our families is to take care of ourselves physically...you have a stewardship that includes your mind (what you put in it) your body (how you care for it) your personal space (how you maintain it) and your soul (how you direct it)." For me, this really hit home when I became my children's only living parent. What would happen to them if something happened to me? After I got over the initial depression of being alone, I decided that I wanted to be there for my kids. Not just there, but really there; active and fun and able to do things with them. A few years after my husband's death we stayed in a cabin near a lake. The lake was only a mile up the trail and it wasn't even a very steep trail, but it still took me 4 tries before I made it to the lake. It was sad to be left behind and miss out on the experience of my sons seeing Lake Mary for the first time. I vowed it wouldn't happen again. I have since gotten in shape and am determined to stay in shape until I am 90. I want to hike to Lake Mary with my grandchildren!

"Limit your carry on items" is the title of chapter 16. This chapter explains how so much of  "the emotional garbage that we carry around as moms isn't even ours to carry.... Like sponges, we moms have a tendency to soak up the guilt for our kids, mop up the hurt feelings at the office, and iron the wrinkles out of the extended family clashes....how do we act balanced in our lives when emotionally we are bent over with loads that are so unbalanced?...To be present in a real crisis, and to look into the face of those things that truly need to be addressed, we tough moms can't be packing around extra baggage....The value we attach to trivial emotional baggage distracts us from the truly significant battles that matter...when we calmly acknowledge the circumstances in our lives and maintain healthy boundaries, setting limits on emotional baggage we will carry, we can cultivate a sense of being sovereign, self governing, independent, unmoved by the trivial."  I have a neighbor who is in her 80's. She is a wise, kind woman who I respect highly. She once said to me, while I was telling her about a dilemma I faced, "Elise, you are a very talented woman. There is just one thing that you aren't very good at. And that is saying NO!" Her influence helped me to see what was truly important to ME and helped me weed out the rest.

Chapter 17 is titled "Friends don't let friends shop stupid". What "tough moms need is someone to be blunt and teach us to be smart with our money. When our financial world is crumbling, we need concrete advice, strategy and accountability." Uhg! Not my strongest area... She says, "Ladies, don't live in a fantasy thinking other people will be able to care for you later in life."  Poop. I like that fantasy....lol..."Take responsibility and at least begin to be more money smart."

Chapter 18 is all about "Throw(ing) your hammer over the fence." "Our kids pick up on the things we say, even when we don't think they are listening. Not only do they hear our words, but they also hear our limiting beliefs behind those words....Sadly if we truly believe that we are too small to impact this world, we subconsciously send that message to our kids."  Tiffany asks, "Do you need lifting? Perhaps it is time to throw your hammer over the fence and get on board with a group or project that is bigger than yourself. You may discover that the fulfillment you hungered for in your own life was simply a need to fill the lives of others with something they couldn't do for themselves."

"Being a tough mom requires us to be strong during (these) tough times. It requires us to be tenacious, full of hope, and determination to find solutions because we know what is at stake. When tough times come, remember...everyone just wants to go home. 

Moms--be there."

Well...here I am...

Reading...

Writing...

Until next time...

;o)