Book # 5

How to Read a Person Like a Book

by Gerard I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero

I decided to read this book because I have boys. Teenage boys are notorious for being closed mouthed. So maybe if I knew how to read some body language, I would understand more of what was going on. The book wasn't as helpful, nor as interesting as I had hoped. Nevertheless, here we go.

Chapter one is about "Acquiring the skills for reading gestures."

The authors state that "The art of thoroughly seeing nonverbal communications is a learning process almost as difficult as acquiring fluency in a foreign language. In addition to maintaining a conscious awareness of your own gestures and the meaning you are conveying to your audience, we recommend that you set aside at least 10 minutes a day during which you consciously "read" the gestures of others." 

One of the things that they stress in the book is congruency and  gesture clusters. Sometimes, we may misread a gesture. Maybe it was just an itch. We should look for a cluster of gestures that are all saying the same thing about how that person is feeling. And how does the body language match what the person is saying verbally?

Chapter 2 explores the "Materials for Gesture Reading". These materials are: facial expressions, walking gestures, and shaking hands. "The modern handshake is a gesture of welcome: the palms interlocking signify openness and the touching signifies oneness. Handshake customs vary from country to country....whatever the situation, find out the local custom before making the assumption that your brand of handshake will be acceptable."

Chapter 3 covers the attitudes of "Openness, Defensiveness, Evaluation and Suspicion" and the gesture clusters that often accompany these feelings. For example, a person who is feeling open or trying to show openness will have open hands, an unbuttoned coat. They quoted Charles Darwin when he noted that animals show submissiveness, a form of openness, when they lay on their backs and expose their soft underparts and throats to their opponents. Darwin said that "in such situations even the most hostile animal did not take advantage of the vanquished." Now I don't recommend that you lay on your back or expose your throat, next time you are having an argument with your mother-in-law, but if you are losing, being open can save you from her attack.....(just kidding around.) 

Defensiveness, on the other hand is opposite of openness.. Folded arms, clenched fists, crossed legs, a buttoned coat, are all signs of defensiveness. 

Evaluation is shown by hand to cheek gestures, as in the famous sculpture "The Thinker" by Auguste Rodin. Also sitting forward, a tilted head, pacing, pinching the bridge of the nose and stroking the chin are all signs of evaluation. 

Suspicion and secretiveness can be shown by covering the mouth while speaking, not looking at the person you are speaking to, the sideways glance, and the feet or the entire body pointing toward the exit. Nose rubbing or touching is a good sign of rejection, doubt or "No!"  Rubbing the eye is also a sign of doubt.

Chapter 4 covers the attitudes of Readiness, Reassurance, Cooperation, and Frustration.

Hands on the hips, sitting on the edge of your chair, arms spread while gripping the edge of a table, moving in towards another person and speaking confidently are all body talk for readiness. 

A common gesture of reassurance for a woman is to slowly and gracefully bring her hand to her throat. Also pinching the fleshy part of the hand. "Various finger gestures convey one's anxieties, inner conflicts or apprehension (and thus the need for reassurance). A child needing reassurance sucks his thumb, a teenager concerned about an exam bites his nails, and a taxpayer worried about April 15th picks at his cuticles until they are sore." Some people substitute other objects and use pens, pencils, wood fabric or paper to chew on. 

The gestures of cooperation are similar the gestures of readiness, because we are often showing that we are ready to cooperate. 

The gestures of frustration are rubbing the back of one's neck or running fingers through hair, kicking motions, sighing, short breaths, tightly clenched hands, fist-like gestures, wringing hands, pointing index finger.

Chapter 5 covers the attitudes of Confidence, Nervousness, and Self control. "A confident person is likely to talk without hand-to-face gestures....a proud, erect stance, more frequent eye contact. Confidence also causes the eyes to blink less, hence the person seems to be a better listener." Steepling of the fingers, leaning back with both hands supporting the head, and feet on a desk are also gestures of confidence.
 

Nervousness can be indicated by rapid walking, pointing your body away from the person you are having a conversation with, fidgeting in your chair, hands covering your mouth while speaking, clearing the throat, making the "whew" sound, and even whistling. I was surprised at first when they mentioned whistling as a sign of nervousness. But then I remembered that I often whistled when I was around my now ex husband. I think I was trying to show confidence, even though I was feeling anxiety. I haven't whistled at all since he left.

Some of the self control gestures are holding an arm behind the back and clenching the hand tightly while the other hand grips the wrist or arm, also locked ankles and clenched fists.

Chapter 6 covers the attitudes of Boredom, Acceptance, Courtship, Expectancy. Drumming on a table, tapping with your feet, doodling, a blank stare, and head in the palm of the hand and drooping eyes position, are all signs of boredom. 

Signs of acceptance are a hand to chest gesture, moving closer to another person, and reassuring touches. I like what they said while talking about acceptance. "How we like people who are agreeable and willing to accept us, our ideas and most of what we say and do! The rude awakening comes when they do not see things as we do and resist us. When this happens, rather then think that anything we said or failed to acknowledge was the cause, we believe something has basically changed in our agreeable associate."

Courtship gestures are often preening, straitening your body, arranging your clothes, smoothing or arranging your hair. 

Expectancy or anticipation can be shown by rubbing the palms, crossed fingers, jingling of money (usually by those waiting for a tip).

Chapter 7 is titled "Relations and Circumstances". "Nonverbal meaning can change depending on where, when, who and how." In this chapter they touch on the parent and child relationship, the lover relationship, communication between strangers, the relationship between a superior and subordinate, client and professional, and between the buyer and seller.

Chapter 8 is "Understanding in an Environment". They talk about gestures without an audience, which would be the gestures we make while on the telephone. Then courtroom gestures and social gatherings are discussed and then several illustrations are shown, with which they want you to test yourself to see if you are understanding the basics. 

They ended with a very interesting and insightful comment. "The sharing of any insights that you may have gained, with your family, friends and your opposes will be most rewarding. Others have used this material to manipulate. We prefer that you view it on a larger scope. A person who is able to see only that he can gain a mechanical advantage by putting a long handle on a water pump sees only one application. A long pump handle not only provides a mechanical advantage but also permits two people to work together on the handle."

Being married to my now ex-husband taught me to watch my own non-verbal language. He used to lecture me for hours. Trying to be the good wife, I would attempt to control my body language; avoiding the yawning, tapping, fidgeting, foot wiggling, folded arms, crossed legs, the blank stare. Not always with success.... lol

Since then I have been watching my body language with my kids. Do I show that I am interested in what they are saying, stop what I am doing and look at them when they are speaking, making eye contact? What am I communicating when we are having conflict? That I am interested in a win-win solution or that am I uncompromising?  I am learning to watch them for subtle cues. Are they uncomfortable, lying, angry, unhappy....? 

It is an interesting process but not always easy.

Until next time ;o)